And she will be loved...

I can't believe it's been nearly 11 weeks since our sweet little Ava was finally placed in our arms.  The weeks leading up to her eviction were charged with great anticipation and longing on my part.  Derrick was in the midst of his busiest season at work and we actually willed her not to come at all early because he was gone until bedtime each night and sometimes was feared too far away geographically to make it home in time.  I did not particularly like the idea of being in labor and having to drive kids around and then myself to the hospital as I assumed she would come fast and furious.  She certainly showed me!  I had started leave on September 8th and was so much more relaxed when I didn't have to get up and out the door by 3:40 every morning.  I was still not sleeping much being 39+ weeks pregnant but my other fear of having my water break in a nursing home was put to rest! I had been told from my 37 week appt on that I wouldn't make it through the weekend.  I was dilated to 2 cm right away and then moved to 4 cm by 37 weeks which was a Friday.  I laughed when she told me that and then overthought every single twitch my abdomen made.  I was actually having some braxton hicks this time.  I would wake up and think it's time but only to wake up much later and realize I had fallen asleep and that it wasn't time, oh well, I was able to get more sleep!  Derrick was so proud of her when she was still hanging on in there by the night of the 11th.  Having been due on the 12th I thought it only logical to go to the first PTO meeting at 7:00 pm on the 11th.  I sat there for just over an hour listening intently but measuring every move she made, trying to decide what I would do if my water broke in front of the principal.  She never slowed down in utero.  She was my most active baby.  On the 12th her last piece of room art arrived so I thought again, anyday now little one.  The 13th I woke up anxious.  We sat around just waiting all day long, the kids were so bored so we headed to do some shopping and then thought spicy mexican would do the trick.  I ate more than I had been able to eat in a long time and soon after there were some definite signs that we were having a baby so my parents headed over to get the kids and we walked.  It was 9:00 and dark out but we put headlamps on and we walked and walked and walked.  The next morning I woke up thoroughly disappointed but still determined so I was out of bed before the sun came up and I walked some more, this time out in the field thinking some good hiking and sweat will persuade her.

It didn't, so we ate dinner at my parents house and brought our kids back home to start another new week.  Alyssa and I headed up to school on Monday to eat lunch with our kindergartener

and then Tuesday came and then Wednesday and then I was calling my midwife wondering how much longer they were going to let me go.

Thursday we went to a friends house with my bags packed in the truck and then did some shopping just waiting for the call back from the midwives.  She finally called me back that evening and had already scheduled us to be admitted Friday at 11:00.  I was so excited!  I didn't sleep much at all that night just willing her to stay put because we had a schedule all worked out for the big kids over the weekend.  She listened again and we got Riley on the bus, dropped Alyssa off at school, went to eat at IHOP, which oddly enough we had only been to once before but they had me at bacon and cheese stuffed french toast and they were close to Joanns.  We needed an emergency princess crown after an unfortunate dog incident with Alyssa and we thought it would be nice to get it beforehand and give one to both our girls, hence the proximity to Joanns.  We are always early, so we checked in at 10:40 and waited.  We waited and waited and waited.  For the IV bags to come up from pharmacy, for the nurse to then start my IV, for the antibiotics to go through ((and they have to go in slowly because otherwise they sting)(I was strep B+)) and then for my water to be broken.  They kept asking me if I was having contractions yet and I continued to say no, like did they not understand that I was being induced, it was not happening on it's own and it still wasn't but even so I walked around for a good hour just willing it all to start once more! Finally she broke my water at 3:30 and I kept walking and reading until the monitors stopped working properly and I had to stay put in my room.  I was thinking that labor and contractions were a piece of cake but finally, finally I could feel pain and I was excited until I had contraction after contraction with only a 20 second break inbetween each one, literally, 20 seconds with the average contraction lasting about 3 solid minutes.  It was unreal.  By far the worst labor pains I have had so by 6:30 I asked to be checked again at 7:00.  At 7:00 I was still at a 4!  A stupid 4!  So I opted for the epidural.  The whole pregnancy I thought I should just go about labor naturally.  I thought if this is my last, I should feel everything and cherish every single pain.  Needless to say, that was also stupid and after literally squeezing the life out of Derrick's hands for 2 hours I almost kissed the anesthesiologist but I was in too much pain to move.  He was walking out of the room by 7:45 and I should have been more comfortable but I wasn't.  I was having the worst pressure I have ever felt.  I gave it a few more minutes and thought he didn't place it right but turns out, boom, she was ready to come.  Just like that.  My midwife came back and we bragged about how Alyssa was out in 2 pushes so she would surely be able to make it to the other room that was just about ready.  Again, baby girl showed me.  I pushed for 19 minutes which felt like an eternity.  She was literally stuck, I could feel her almost push out and then just be stuck.  She went back and forth, back and forth and then I asked my midwife and Derrick if she was a giant and they both just looked at me and said nothing.  I was sure she was going to be 10+ lbs and that's why she was stuck but finally, finally, oh sweet finally, she was out.  She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice and her hands were also wrapped up by her cheeks so that's why she was stuck.  Every U/S we had, she always had her hands up by her cheeks so I should have known better.  They unwrapped her tiny self and laid her right on me.  Just like her brother, she hardly cried.  She stared up at Daddy and was so calm.

Everyone rushed out of the room to help another laboring mother so it was quiet and calm and perfect.  She was cleaned up and weighed in at 7 lbs 4 ozs, 20 inches long.  Our tiniest baby by a few ounces.  My parents happened to be at a wedding in Minnetonka so they headed over around 10:00 to meet our Ava.  She was either Madeline or Ava or possibly Mallory but in the end Ava fit her best.  She got her middle name from the kids.  Whenever someone asked them what the babies name should be is was always, Rosie.  I don't know where they got that from but after 9 months of them wanting a Rosie, we had to incorporate it somehow so she became Ava Rose.  Derrick went home around 11:00, my brother stayed until she had her first bath and then headed home around midnight and then it was just us.  I think my most precious, sacred moments are the moments when it's just me and my new baby.  I held her, and prayed over her, whispering love and hopes over her.

 I cry now just reliving those moments where all of the fears, excitement, anticipation of 9 months and love finally culminate and spill out onto this tiny human.  I stayed in my huge labor room all night and woke up the next morning in awe that this was real.

Derrick brought Riley and Alyssa up to meet her along with Nana Kathy and we had so much fun watching the love they had stored up for her spill out all over the place.

They love her so well.  We had a full day of visitors after the ALS walk and finally it was just Ava and I again.  We were moved to a smaller, cozy room with a much more comfortable bed and I just couldn't take my eyes off of her.  Daddy called to say the big kids missed her and wanted to say goodnight to her and after that we rocked in the chair together.  They took her for her 24 hour check up and I cried.  I missed her already and I was clearly hormonal.  She returned to me bloody and pissed.

The heelstick and shot put her over the edge and she literally cried all night long.  I was so tired by about 7:00 a.m. that I changed her diaper while she was laying on me and she peed all over me.  It was a great excuse to get out of the hospital gown and into real clothes.  It felt good.  So weird, to be all of a sudden without a belly and into real clothes, real clothes being sweatpants and an oversized shirt but you know.  I was almost ready to leave the hospital but wasn't in a hurry.  Those quiet moments are precious and the food was so good.  I could have stayed for a few more days but we headed home and made a stop at Broadway for pizza to go on the way home.  The next weeks were a blur.  One big, happy, satisfied blur.  We stayed busy.  She from day one, slept in her crib usually around 10:00 pm and would get up every few hours but went right back to sleep until 7:00 or so in the morning.

I was geared up for late, long nights but they never came.  She never cried, she was/is a fantastic nurser, she smiled at 1 week old, not a fake gas smile, but a- look- right- us and genuinely smile, smile.  She didn't like a nuk and we worked hard to get her to take one.  She now likes them when she is tired but otherwise has no need for them.  She continued to go to sleep earlier and earlier and by November she was sleeping in 5 hour stretches.  I have been so well-rested these last 12 weeks.  I have never been more calm or felt like such a satisfied, pretty "good" Mom. It's by far been the easiest transition of child rearing we have had and there have been moments of "what were we thinking" but I can count those moments on one hand.  I cannot count how many moments of "this is how it was meant to be" have occurred.  It feels right, she had a place in our house and in our hearts long before we even knew there was room.  I am almost down to pre-pregnancy weight.  I have 10 lbs to go but I feel good this time.  I feel pretty normal and if I stayed at 140, I could be happy with that. I like my treadmill time though and if nothing else, it gives me a chance to watch Grey's and refresh for a quick 30 minutes.  I'm just going to keep running with this giant paragraph because I don't know where to split it up and I just don't care that much.  I have learned so much this last 12 weeks.  I started a Beth Moore study when she was just 3 weeks old and I thought to myself how stupid I was, carting a newborn back and forth, nursing her in the back of the room, hardly able to pay attention but now we are here with only 1 week left of study and she doesn't come with me anymore.  I have learned so much from Beth and the other ladies in my group and from my tiny Ava.  Life is so short, I learned that the hardest way last fall and it's been reinforced with how fast and furious time flies.  I have been marching to the drum of Phillipians 4:4-6 as I approach going back to work tomorrow.  My heart is tight.  I do not want to go back to overtired, out of patience Mom and Lindsey.  I so want to be what my kids deserve.  I am so scared that I will fall back into that pity party of 1.  Oh, my heart is so tight today.  The tears are ripe and just wanting a place to fall.  I am lucky enough to ease back into work, working just 9 days in December before going back to 24 hour weeks in January but still I am tight and raw today.  I will not sleep much tonight and I will wake up my Ava to nurse at 3:30 so she will sleep until I get home.  We will keep working on bottles and soon enough I will not be having to wake her up anymore.  I pray for sustenance and peace as I face these long days ahead, it's all a gift.  How great would it be if we celebrated everyday like it's a holiday, thankful for our gifts, spending time with family and friends and looking hopefully towards a bright future?  Thankfully for me (and you), love writes an incredible story that started on Christmas and ended on a cross.  I pray to live these long, hard, sleepless days ahead with that in mind.

Riley, Alyssa, Ava, I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine.  I love you past the moon and back.  I love you deep and wide.  I am your momma and I make so many mistakes but my love for you will never waiver.   And now I treadmill to get out those tears and sweat and hopefully do at least one productive thing with so far such a waste of a day.  Till next time.

Awaiting her arrival

I've been rather busy this 3rd time around and haven't documented much with the exception of a few belly shots via IG.  The busyness of having 2 active kids, a bigger house and much bigger yard have kept me going.  We have really enjoyed gardening this year and I am horrified at how bad the weeds have got since I can't comfortably bend down/over since hitting that 36 week mark.  We should have at least 3 watermelons though ready soon, how ironic since baby girl is now the size of a watermelon ;).

Last week I was ready to be done with work.  I was tired of getting up at the ungodly hour of 3:00.  This week I am content and enjoying a few days of playing catch up.  Today I have been up since 4:18, irony again.

16.5 weeks

Nesting is so great and I'm not sure why we can't go through a full year or two or more of enjoying that "nesting energy" when child rearing!?  My house has never been so clean and I'm almost obsessive at it  being clean currently.

Here comes the scatter brain of being uber pregnant and it being 5:34 a.m...

I can hardly comprehend that literally any day now we are having a third child.  The excitement of the 'any day' is palpable but the reality is that this is still unbelievable.  She has been a very easy pregnancy.  I have gained just about 30 lbs (probably in pure sugar) and been measuring small for most of this term.    She is probably my most active in-utero child and has only in the last few days started to slow down enough that you could almost call it a schedule!  The heartburn has been horrific at times to the point of me waking up and not being able to keep it down but instead puking for a hour or so.  This has been on and off the whole time but the last few weeks it's been 1-2 times a week.  I have been dilated to at least a 2 since my 36 week checkup.  Last Friday at 39 weeks I was up to a 4 with her sitting so low (+1 station) and being 80 % effaced.  I know that means nothing after walking around at a 4-5 with Lyssi who we eventually evicted.  But it's nice to know I'm nearly half way there and have done virtually nothing.

22.5 weeks

Virtually nothing is as follows.  The heartburn as listed above.  Cannot wait to not have acid reflux even when I wake up in the morning or after drinking some water!  ;)  The back pain of her sitting so low that only goes away when I immerse myself every.single.night in the tub with the jets full blast.  The constant bathroom breaks which seem so silly after literally tinkling a few drops.  Somewhat off topic, I remember vividly the first time I peed after each child and it was like heaven.  Wow, to go to the bathroom and actually make it worth the trip!  TMI,? oh well.  In the scheme of things, easy peasy as was with my other two except this time I feel completely, 100% satisfied that this is the end of child bearing.  I never felt that after Alyssa.  By the time she was around 2- I was questioning if I really wanted to do it all over again but I never felt the finality that I do now.  She will be the bookend of our family.

32+ weeks

I am so excited to see what she looks like.  I am so excited to see D and Riley surrounded by two little girls.  I am so excited but in no hurry.  This week has been all about adjusting without the tears.  Kindergarten was a doozy.  For me more so than anyone else.  I will say that it was the single hardest day so far of parenting ever for me.  The pain and sheer heartache I felt after leaving that school and sitting alone in my living room was awful.  Riley looked terrified when we found his teacher and class in the cafeteria that first day.  I was trying not to hyperventilate all the while D is telling me to try to not cry because if I do, Riley certainly would have.  They finally took off as a class to their room and when he disappeared behind that door I could not hold it in any longer.  I am crying now just remembering it.  We were one of just a handful of parents there and it was odd.  We didn't want to leave without saying goodbye so we waited for his class to emerge again for 9:20 breakfast and quick said our goodbyes.  It was just the saddest thing I have done.  Leaving him with utter strangers in a strange, huge building.  Thankfully we have so many neighbor kids there and a very special neighbor who sent me a voicemail in the early afternoon letting me know that she had checked up on Riley and that he was smiling and almost dancing down the hallways in line having fun.  She will never understand how much that meant to me!  Wednesday got better but I couldn't believe we had to do it all over again!  I only cried for a few minutes when I missed him.  Thursday was a pretty good day but I still cried a few quick tears at the fact that this was really happening.  Friday was relief.  I had strong urges to pick him up early and just come home to snuggle but we made it and sure enough he dropped his bag in the yard most days and ran next door to play cars.  He is doing awesome.  He loves his class and his teacher.  He has made friends but only remembers Jett and Chase by name.  On Wednesday his funny quote was, "I don't know how much longer I can keep going all day, everyday," to which we tried earnestly to explain that he has weekends off and many days off during the school year but dude, this is why we weren't in a hurry to grow you up!  Thursday I asked him what the favorite part of his day was and he replied, "I'll tell you what it wasn't.  One of the girls puked all over everything."  Ha, great, lice and puke the first week!  He really is enjoying school and we work on "homework" for 5 or so minutes every night just trying to get into a routine.  His homework this weekend was to remember his lunch number and it was a worry of ours but this kid surprised the heck out of me and actually has a fabulous memory!  It only took a mere minute or so and then he was off playing but able to recite it with the "enter" at the end for the rest of the weekend!  Proud, wow, seriously the pride was intense for a lunch number!  Monday, I got up around 8:00 and the surprise and happiness on his face that I could walk him to the bus stop was so cute.  I'm trying to embrace this step with joy and happiness and he's making it easier but it's too fresh to not think about how he was just a few years ago or even as my only baby before I have tears in my eyes again.  It really is just bittersweet.

36 weeks and the end of bike riding and weeding for me.

Speaking of this boy, he is going to be so much fun to watch as a big brother again.  It's going to be so different this time around now that he is 6 and Alyssa is 3.5.  They can dress themselves and are potty trained and so much more independent than when we brought Alyssa home.  He just started giggling when we told him it could be any day now.  A little nervous probably, very excited and very intrigued how this all will play out bodily wise.  :)  Haha, the questions he comes up with!

So, baby girl #2, we are ready for you late Thursday or anytime after!  We cannot wait to see your hair color and I am so ready to hold you outside of holding the bottom of my belly!  I plan on this being fast but since it's my last time I just look forward to the whole experience.  I also want to nail down a name for you but we are waiting til we see your tiny face.

39 weeks, 4 days.  Derrick said he can't remember me ever being this big.  It's lucky I agree and I love him!

Dear Riley, Part Deux

Everyone says it and everyone looks for it...where did the time go?

I remember distinctly marking the day the madness would begin-the last day school was in session in spring.  Ben our little neighbor was over and even though it was finally nice out, you asked if you could just come in and watch a little movie.  I obliged and marked the moment as the day the quiet would end.  In some ways the quiet did end.  Kids once again ruled the road.  You realized your best friend was home everyday and you never wanted to slow down for your mom or your tummy.  Every moment was spent asking if you could go play and trust me, it made my job somewhat easier but sometimes I just wanted to hoard you and remind you that we used to have all kinds of fun together too.  

You growing up on me has been a difficult change.  It's been fun to watch but looking back makes me miss it so.  I have slowly been replaced by friends and yes, you still need your mama but not like you did even a year ago.  It's good but it's change and change has never been particularly easy on me.  Before you had friends you had me and a tiny little Lu.  We walked to a different park every night and we explored ponds and trails as if it was a new adventure.  We spent every moment together and I (and Daddy) was your best friend.  The days were LONG, clearly the years were short.

I expect alot out of you, probably because you have always been such a good kid, a great listener, a caring soul, a respectful and thoughtful little boy.  You really have made parenting so very easy.  You have a special light and energy and we've seen it bloom and explode in epic proportions this last year.  You are social and creative and you like to be around people and engage.  You say "hi" to all the neighbors and you frequently ask if we can have people over.  You have moved over so Alyssa can scoot in right, I mean, right next to me.  You have relinquished the spot on my lap and given it over to her.  It was so gradual that I hardly even noticed it happening and now it's almost too late.  Between your growth spurt and my belly's you don't fit on my lap anymore.  And I regret that.  I miss that.  I understand it but...

In February we visited Twin Lakes together.  You listened very carefully as they explained and talked about sending your child before they are ready to go to kindergarten.  You thoughtfully told me afterwards, "I think I should take that extra year."  I laughed about it and explained that this was "your" year and that we didn't have a choice, next fall you had to start school.  The more I thought about your statement though the more sad I got.  It was really the end of your innocent, no pressures, no worries era.  It was the end of getting upset over spilled milk and worrying about if your friends were playing nicely and not teaching you naughty words.  It was watching you trying to figure out what being a friend was and then striving to fit and mold yourself into being that "friend".  It was everything I never wanted for you and still knew had to come to fruition. It's been a year of learning for both of us.  We have stretched out just a bit from the hovering parenting to the parents that sit at the edge of the yard and strain to hear anything we can pick up.  Mostly, we have said you have to stay in our yard or Aaron's and Ben's yard because honestly the hovering is just too comfortable to let go of just yet.

I'm just not at all ready for this next step.  I know in my heart it will be fine in just a few short weeks but the anticipation and numerous questions that pop into my head at all hours of the night have made it difficult to sleep.  I know you will like it and it breaks our hearts that you have some trepidation over tomorrow morning.  Dude, if you aren't a bit nervous, you are doing it wrong.  I was always a bit nervous and excited even when I was going into another year at the same tiny private school with pretty much the same 10-12 friends I had since 1st grade.  Life isn't easy and these baby steps into independence are necessary and good for growth but know without a doubt that I would keep you sheltered up all cozy and snug at 9101 168th Ave NW for much longer if I could.  I think it's easy to say that this is much harder on your Dad and me than it is you.

My sweet, mirror image of myself...we love you to the moon and back and we will always be there for you and be the softest landing you can find.  We will think of you non-stop in the next few days and probably much longer than that.  We will relish you getting of the bus and back into our house if only for a few minutes before you want to play the fall away.

Riley, we are so very proud of you.  Remember who you are becoming already, kind, gentle, creative, fun, energetic.  When life hurts you, share it with me, I will hurt with you.  Don't ever forget that you are never too big to sit on my lap.  You are the oldest, don't be pushed around.  You make good (mostly good for 6 ;)) decisions, don't let that waver.  And please, eat your lunch fast so I don't have to worry about your tummy rumbling all afternoon when you only have a mere 20 minutes to sit down and eat.  Seek out quiet students and be their friend.

In these last few weeks I have been on edge almost constantly.  The anxiety of Kindergarten has gotten to us all.  I had to slip into the shower last week because the tears kept running down my face and I didn't want the kids to notice.  I sobbed and sobbed and looked terrible when I finally got out.  I must look pathetic on a regular basis because they didn't notice ;).  Thank goodness I am not in this boat alone and that the texts come in at just the right time about how much this sucks and that we can always homeschool if any of us hates this transition too much!  You will see me cry and it's okay, tears aren't anything to be ashamed of.  It's mostly because I am so proud of you and have enjoyed so much of the last 6 years together.  It's also because I have some serious hormones going on and I can so clearly remember holding you for the first time as you looked up intently at Daddy right after you were delivered.  You hardly cried, you just stared and we stared.  I have had these songs stuck in my head for days and these are my honest wishes for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4NS7gChzvk


"My Wish"  Rascal Flatts
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

It's a...

Whew, it feels so surreal to be here at almost 21 weeks!  This pregnancy has just flown by, extremely easy and carefree in regards to the new baby.  I hadn't been at all anxious to know if it was a boy or a girl up until last week when I could hardly wait for this morning.  My heart and head have undergone a complete transformation and I switched from expecting/wanting a boy to wanting a sister bond for my girl.  I thought alot of my own sister and how lucky I am to have her and now her little Jax.  Jax is hers but I love him like he was my own because she's my little sister barely 2 years behind me.  I wanted a best friend for my daughter that was homegrown in love and loyalty.  I still had a small hunch it was a boy but I felt in my bones it probably wasn't going to be so.

We got all set up in the ultrasound room and the first picture that appeared was baby #3 spread eagle and I knew immediately that it was a girl!  She was letting us know loud and clear that she was indeed a "she" and not to mistake that!  Had we said we didn't want to know it would have been impossible to miss.  It was hilarious and I panicked for a sec thinking forward to the teenage years with 2 girls but after that we were so very excited!  We saw her give a big old yawn and then bring her tiny hand up to her face for comfort.  She was so cooperative with all the pictures except for the spine so I have to go back at my 28 week appt for one more ultrasound...bummer :).  Just watching her move around in there and stretching her tiny muscles was an absolute joy.  What a gift to just be still in awe and wonder.  Will she have blonde hair?  Brown hair?  Red?  HA!  We are so excited to see her and touch her and see who she resembles!

sorry for the terrible cell pic of a pic but since moving I have no idea what we did with the scanner!

A boy for Riley would have been great but they would have more than 6 years apart in age and Alyssa is in desperate need of more estrogen in the house with an all boy brother as her influence for the last 3 years!

I went up to the garage attic and rifled through Alyssa's newborn clothes the last few weeks and I desperately wanted to use those again.  Those soft pink sleepers and delicate dresses that my Lu graced for just a short time were needing to be worn again.  I think of our girls sharing a bedroom like my sister and I did and I dream of their budding friendship, dress-up dates and tea parties for two!

Following this appt I have been on cloud 9.  It feels so good to put a "face" to the baby rolling around in there and kicking me good and hard when my early alarm goes off.  She is the one that gets up with me and kicks me to keep me awake for those first very early hours.  She is the one that has slowly but surely put my heart on notice to come together and look forward to the future.  We just want to hold her so badly now and this pregnancy has finally gotten real for both of us.  She is our tiny miracle weighing in at 13 ozs currently.

I'm currently typing with 3 very loud boys playing guns and war behind me meanwhile my daughter is desperately trying to find a foothold with a princess dress on and bangles galore.  She is pleading to stay "alive" and trying to find anyone to pay attention to her femininity.  Poor girl, I cannot wait until Daddy gets home tonight so we can break the news.

Neither has asked me yet what we are having, they are too young, wrapped up in themselves to remember that today was the day.  I imagine Riley will be a little crushed but we talked about it at bedtime the last few nights and I think I have him prepared to be the little man of the house that will be the protector for two precious, pretty girls.

Our all boy starts baseball (coaches pitch) on Monday and our sweet girl starts dance in a few weeks.  This summer is going to fly by and I cannot wait!

Hurry up and keep waiting...

It's very funny how time moves these days.  One day spreads into the next and I marvel at how fast they go and then collectively how slow they go.  I never really escape that time is ticking and ticking time means the 2-5 year window with my Mom is slowing but surely moving towards whatever it is this disease means for her.

I have been reflecting on November and December of last year after finding out.  I don't know if I can ever explain the pain pool I swam in for those 7 dark weeks.  I will never forget the Thursday night after we found out.  Derrick was going to drive me to the office so I could get my team ready for Friday without me and we drove by my neighbors house with a bunch of women in the driveway, laughing and saying goodbye.  I was struck by how just a few hours earlier that could have been me.  There were so many days and nights where all I could do was sob and hit the ground just repeating the same word over and over again.  I remember not being able to sit or stand to sob.  My body just could literally not hold that kind of pain.  I would have to get down and curl up and just let it flow.  How does life take such a jagged and unexpected exit and how do we go about living life even when pain and sorrow are so closely held also?

It's been a learning process.  Each day is easier seen as just that...a new day.  Most are chaotic and messy.  Some are spectacular and some are just a day to get through.  I thought about staying home with my kids many times over the last 5 years.  When I was pushed towards it during the darkest time in my life I went into it with very skewed priorities and a certain set of outcomes.  My priorities at the time were to just keep breathing steady.  At the same time I assumed I was going to be supermom.  I was going to spend everyday being the Mom I always wanted to be.  Lunches thoughtfully made, homework and housecleaning always done on time.  Time for learning in the home and growing up little ambitions carried out each day.  What I set myself up for was utter and complete failure.

I recently lost it.  Riley had school all day a few Tuesdays ago and after a springbreak I never though twice about checking his folders for what he needed.  I met Derrick at school to assume parenting roles while he continued to work and I was so blindsided when other kids were excitedly pulling out there "24 things".  Riley looked just broken and he walked into his classroom, shoulders slumped, defeated.  I piled Alyssa into my truck, took off for a midwife appt and cried all the way to St Louis Park.  I cursed and kicked myself for being so stupid.  Why in 10 days did I not check his bag and write a reminder on the fridge?  Why did I have to get out of bed at 9:30 the evening before because once again I forgot to make his lunch?  Why the hell could I not get this once a week school thing down?  And the kicker, I have one in a seat behind me and one in my belly that were in line for such a failure of a Mom.  I ugly cried and Alyssa, being the sweet little thing she is, only asked once if I was okay and then just thoughtfully looked out the window.

It was not the 24 things that broke me.  It was my perceptions and expectations that failed me.  So that day after getting up at 3:15 a.m. and running around for 5 hours before meeting at church to exchange the kids.  We drove to SLP, back home, packed up Riley's 24 things, drove to church and hung out in his class since by that time it was 12:45 and he was done in 2 hours.  I was going to make up for it big time.  We walked in and my son said, "What are you doing here?"  Ha, he had completely forgotten about his 24 things and when the presentation of 24 things happened he was only 1 of 5 that had them. He enjoyed it and it was fun but not exactly the paramount of projects I had built up in my minds eye.  We finally came home and I sat down for 2 hours only to turn around and go to clean.  It broke me.  The whole day was just one miserably, long, exhausting day.

It was the turning point for me also.  I realized that there is too much time to criticize myself now.  I have too much time to realize my failures and shortcomings and grief.  Before I was working FT and we had a schedule.  I knew I would get done working, get my children, come home for naps and wake up refreshed and excited to spend time with them.  I would have 1 thing in mind that I wanted to do together and we rarely screwed that up.  It wasn't always cotton candy and balloons but we had it down pretty darn well and it was the norm for the last 3 years.

What I have come to finally realize and still struggle with is there is a part of my heart that is in constant sorrow.  I have to acknowledge it and find away to live with it while still living, however unprepared and messy it might be.

This baby that is growing inside of me was for many weeks a crutch.  I was learning to take one day at a time and it was throwing me into the future and what it will look like.  I was disconnected from Him and almost resentful.  Instead of thinking about the gift of life and concentrating on the good, I was concentrating on how God was probably opening a window just as he was ready to close a door in my life.  I was consumed with if my Mom would even be able to hold this baby.  I would find hope in a treatment only to be reminded that it was a bandaid not a cure.  Living in excitement for the future was how my first two babies were, this one was a new norm.  I dare not to look ahead because my family is so intertwined in my everyday and my future but how do you do that with new life expanding and growing right underneath that damaged heart?

I recently went to a play with my Mom and I was struck by how weird it was so be out of the house with no children at my heels.  It has always and will always make me sad, even when I know I needed the break and was probably not too graceful about excepting it.  I went to the bathroom and I felt the new baby moving around and I thought "so this is mercy".  This is God reminding me that throughout the depths of sadness and failures I come face to face with, this new life will be there to remind me that I am not in control and will never be.  It was equally debilitating and renewing.  This baby might be the bandaid that covers my damaged, broken heart.  I would never have chose that this new life possibly replace my Mothers but Someone greater than me realized that without it I might not have survived.  It's equal parts accepting the grace and gift in this baby and realizing that life keeps on drumming out no matter what.  It's the hardest and most difficult lesson I assume I will struggle with for the remainder of our time intertwined together.  I very specifically asked that God help me and take some of that pain away.  Now I need to accept that answer.

I finally saw this new baby and I thought that would make it real but it didn't.  I still find it hard to wrap my head around this as with ALS, but I am excited.  I feel the baby moving, I have seen my stomach warped as it moves and my heart skips around when I hear it's heartbeat at home with the doppler.  Just because I wept and prayed and pleaded with Him over my first two, I think this was just hard to accept.    I can realize that and stop beating myself for being so resentful and so confused about this, #3.  I do love #3 so, it's just a learning process about growing and patience and being completely out of control.

I have had this stewing on my heart for so long.  Putting my deepest fears and resentments out there so I could clear away for the happy and good.  I feel that now.  I never re-read what I write it's just alot of verbal diarrhea.  I feel clean and empty now and that's what I needed.  The post that took a month to write is finally out there and I can pick up the pieces.  It's been a difficult start to this pregnancy.  Not in the physical way.  It makes me feel very vulnerable and dirty to admit that but there it is.

And here He is...we refer to it as He, not sure if that's what we really want or what we perceive would be easiest but Alyssa was a "he" until 20 weeks also so again, here He is.  My most difficult learning process in life thus far.  My grace and mercy, growing inches below my heart.

Life these days on the home front are filled with uncertainties regarding my Mom.  We have prayerfully considered Bejing, Israel, clinical trials here in the US and stem cell therapies in CA.  There is no right/wrong answer.  There is no cure.  My Mom admitted to us that her right hand is showing signs of the ALS.  She has terrible abdominal cramping from ALS.  My Dad is retiring soon and it should be joyous and a triumph but the reality is that he needs to be home for her and they need to enjoy each day as tomorrow could be ugly.  She has an appt at the Mayo on April 7th and we anxiously await the medical opinions that come out of it.  So there we are again, hurry up and wait. 

Jillian Michaels failed me or something like that...

It was post Christmas and being the sweet lover that I am I knew it was time to start getting some motivation to lose the 5 lbs (or more!) that November and December always add on to me.  I was confident in Jillian and her 30 day shred to get me well, shredded and back to 125lbs in no time.  I started early, knowing my body was a year older and that it would not be easy.  I was dedicated and even though many days I felt like throwing the towel in I made it to level 2 and was somehow 23 days in.  I knew I felt stronger but my abdomen and energy were in the toilet.  I was utterly exhausted and couldn't believe that choosing "JOY" (see previous post) and working out were only making my energy sink lower and lower.  I thought nothing of it and proceeded to beg my midwife for one more month of birth control so I could make it through vacation before needed to have the yearly checkup we women enjoy so much. ;)  Ha, she kindly obliged and just asked that I take a precautionary pregnancy test before starting them.  You see, we had decided in July to stop the pill and just see where the year took us.  If we got pregnant, yeah, it was meant to be, if we didn't well-yeah, we are blessed with a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.  Come November after the utter devastation that was ALS entering our lives we had a conversation about being done and I started the last 21 days of pills I could find in my cupboard.  I was so depressed and so overwhelmed with life that I could not fathom bringing another life into the mess that was grief and heartache.  I have never been real good at taking the pill and I know I missed a night or two but after struggling to conceive both kids didn't think anything of it.  I even proceeded to bring up the "V" word (vasectomy) in January because why be on hormones if I don't need to be?!  Anyways, I took the test January 29th and I almost hit the floor in shock and awe.  Turns out we are pregnant.  SURPRISE!  Surprise just barely touches the surface of the utter shock I felt.  I had closed the book on that chapter of life.  I was moving forward confidently er not always so confidently but resolving to be confident in the closure.  I had many talks with different friends about it and my response was always the same, "I'm already in over my head, I'm sad to be done but it's for the best and we don't really want to start over now."  And honestly, my sister only has one so I knew at the least one more baby would be in our futures that we could hold and love on and then give back!

After weeks of not really eating, drinking more than I ever have and intentionally ordering drinks at restaurants and stopping to buy wine for consumption after the kids went to bed I was in a total panic about what the heck I had done to this baby.  I was already 8.5 weeks in and had done nothing healthy in regards to myself except for working out.  I had taken no vitamins, was drinking caffeine like my life depended on it and was lucky if I choked in a bite or two of dinner.  All of this was calmly and confidently pushed aside from my midwife who assured me that if the baby was still in there and doing good that I was okay as long as I started making pushes now to get on a healthy track.  I heard the heartbeat yesterday at 10.5 weeks, 150 BPM and strong.  I left with no ultrasound but have my first one March 4th.  We are due to have our third baby September 12th.  Just 10 days after we send our first baby to Kindergarten.

To say this is a sign for us is a given.  Where there is grief and heartache over the future, He says there is joy and excitement for tomorrow.  Where there is pain and regret over how fast time has flied with one child, He says there is still today with that child and even more I am giving you the chance the do it all again.  When you think you have life figured out, He says, NO, I do, rest soundly in my assurance that I am in charge and you will not be given more than you can handle.  This was a direct answer to my prayer of taking away the pain and replacing it with joy.  I have never felt so taken care of before. It amazes me that just weeks ago the future was black and now it's bright.  It's still shocking, I mean we forget sometimes and have to remind ourselves that this is real.  Florida was interesting, I was so excited to do the rides until I remembered, "if you are pregnant, you should not ride".  I was so excited about the seafood, oops, no shellfish well you are pregnant.  I was so excited for margaritas and sunshine until I remembered, no drinking while pregnant.  I almost ordered a margarita until I had a mental head slap that I was, surprise pregnant.  We've told the kids and my family.  Riley is excited, Alyssa got a little weepy but she is onboard and excited to be the little mama come fall.

We think it's a boy but only because we always envisioned one more boy if ever it happened.  If it's a girl or a boy it's an absolute miracle and we'll take it.

I feel at times completely overwhelmed at the thought of three and at the same time so lucky to get to do it all again.  I have honestly loved pregnancy with both kids and giving birth is so fun and such a rush.  Who cares that it hurts a little, it's the best kind of pain when it's all said and done.  We are trying to figure out where we are going to house the little babe and we think Riley will move down to the 3rd level with some persuasion of bunk beds or a built in bed with a fort/desk area underneath.  We've thought about moving Lyssi and Riley in together and I like that idea but I love her room so much and I just don't want to change it already.  Although some of my best memories are sharing a room with my sister and I think they would really like it.  I know after carrying my Lu around that 40 weeks goes by faster and faster each time.  This time it will be during Derrick's very busy season and it will be a challenge but I am hoping after I hit 12 weeks some energy will reappear and I'll feel almost human again.

Life certainly gives you whiplash and when you least expect it.  It's beautiful and painful and always, always you can find joy when you think it's all but lost.  Baby #3 is a testament to that.  Our beautiful reminder that life goes on.

Whew, it feels good to get that out, we have bursting since January 29th, absolutely bursting with this surprise news.  I have never wanted to blurt out pregnancy news before like I have with this one.

I will find some time soon here to type out some thoughts on our vacation.  It was so good and so tiring and so fun.  I have a few ;) pictures to go through and then I want to get it down for memories sake while the emotions and highs are so fresh.

Love and unexpected joys to you today and tomorrow!

Life will look alot differently come this fall than it did last fall!

Darkness lifted

When I look back on the last few months of last year all I see is utter despair and gut wrenching heartache.  I take note that I needed that time to grieve and grow at the same time.  Sadness still finds me but it's a far cry from what it was even a week or two ago.  I have been lifted out of that darkness by  my Mom especially but by my personal devotion time and through the devotion and love that has been shown to her and our family.  It is absolutely inspiring to see and feel that we are not alone in this.  We are not alone in the pain or shock.  We are not alone in being resolute to finding a way around this.  I will expound on that a little later.

I remember the start of 2013 clearly.  I had just gone back to work on the 2nd, a day earlier than I should have after my Mom had some surgery.  I was quite bitter about it and on my way home I rear ended a work truck in front of me because of icy roads and one of those complete slam on the brake sudden stops that 169 is so famous for.  How a highway can all of a sudden come to a complete stop right when you get over a hill is beyond me but it was done.  I had smacked him and his truck was fine, Derrick's Corolla was not.  I was so mad and so scared that I lashed out.  It was all Derrick's fault for making me go back to work and this was his birthday, he should have just let me stay home and make a nice dinner.  Now 2 hours later in freezing temps I was still sitting in a freezing cold car waiting to be picked up.  I could not and would not go into the tow shop because I could just envision the stares from the men about the "stupid" woman who was paying no attention and obviously following too closely to care.  When D finally did arrive we were utterly silent.  He knew that I was blaming him and because of the person he is he just didn't go there.  We spent the next two days in total silence.  Ha, can you imagine how awkward it is to move around your new house, try to find things, care for your children together and then go to bed together and still not be talking?  I look back on that and just find nothing but Grace.  My husband is the most forgiving person I know.  He bends over backward to just make things better and stays calm all the while I act a fool.  I completely ruined our car, his birthday and the start of a fresh new year.  I had so much anger that I couldn't just take it out on myself, it branched out to everyone around me.  This was also about the time that my Mom just couldn't seem to muster up any energy.  She was exhausted after having the kids for 3.5-4 hours and many times I would rush over there at 12:30 and round them up as fast as I could to be on my way home by 12:40.  I kept that up for months.  I couldn't understand her change and I was mad about it.  Mad enough that I was silent again about it.  I let things snowball and eventually we came to a blowout, I believe more than once.  I never stopped and listened.  I never looked beyond my own circumstance to really, really care what her's might have been.  That again is my biggest challenge in life and my biggest regret.  I can look back now and see that although 2013 was trying and at times frustrating, it ended with such love and shared passion.

The prospect of a fresh new year for 2014 scared me to the core.  I was jealous that everyone else had a fresh, clean slate to look forward to and we had a stained slate full of uncertainties and pain.  Each new day potentially bringing us farther and farther away from the woman we knew as Mom.  I looked into the future and projected it's appearance.  I did this for a few days and then my mind and body just couldn't do it anymore.  I started feeling urges and prayers started breaking through my thick head.  I had to sit down and do a bible study.  I had to start believing, really believing.  I had to keep living, enough so that smiling and laugher were the norm, not tears and being alone.  When you start to actually glimpse the face of Christ and allow Him to honestly infiltrate your life there is no doubt that a peace that surpasses all understanding finds you.  I've never had to do this at 31.  I have lived a safe, easy life.  The simple, childlike Bible stories were enough for me.  I am surrounding myself with glimpses of Heaven.  A great book that my husband finally read after years of me telling him he should is "Forever Ours", Real stories of immortality and living from a forensic pathologist.  Janis Amatuzio, MD.  It is so well written and so compelling.  I have read it at least 3 times but this 4th time I feel it.  I feel the anticipation and excitement for Heaven.  I believe that God's plan is greater than ALS for my Mom.  I believe that He can heal her.  I believe he is using this to His glory and I have finally stepped in line with that.  I also now know that if she does perish any sooner than I thought (95) I will be okay. I will be able to pick myself up and I will see her again.  In my dreams, in the stars, in the clouds, in Heaven.  No, this does not make everyday so easy but this life will never be easy.  That is why you surround yourself with people that have your back when you falter.  The day after Christmas Boston's in CR held it's ALS fundraiser with 10% of all food orders going to the ALSA.  My Mom's dear friend Jan organized it by sending massive emails out and spreading the word.  We walked into the restaurant that night and were surrounded by friends and family.  It was overwhelming in a good way.  Jan had made necklaces that either had our family picture on it or said "We Love the Hutchinson's".  My Alyssa thought Grandma was a celebrity along with her little friend Mila.  Every minute someone new seemed to walk through the door.  All in all, 83 total people showed up with some kind of connection to my Mom.  Some of my dearest friends showed up, Tim, Deb and his whole family, Keith, Sica and Mila, Jeff, Apryl, Avery, and Eric, Kim, Luke, Carter and Graham, Rob, Carrie, Logan and Layla.  Countless dear friends to my parents and all the while I watched my Dad shine and feed off of the support that was lavishly handed out to us that night.  All it took was showing up and just saying "hi".  No words were needed.  No sympathies, no awkward pauses.  All they did was show up and it said everything to us.

Right now the most common question I receive is "how is your Mom doing?"  Honestly, I answer with "really good, she is strong in mind, body and faith."  What I have been listening to now is the nitty gritty.  She struggles with frequent muscle cramps all over her body, especially her legs and her abdomen.  When she finally lays down at night, her muscles twitch and dance all over making it nearly impossible to fall asleep or stay asleep.  She has told me that she tires easily and that she can tell when she overdoes immediately.  She always has to use the handrails on the stairs.  These are very specific prayers that we are adjusting to now.  Life isn't the same as it was just a year or so ago.  Birthday dinners are now cut down to just the birthday person and their family because she just can't do big, elaborate dinners anymore.  And while this was too scary to face just a few weeks ago, I feel strong in knowing now.  I feel more compassion and more responsibility to do life better.  Not just towards my Mom but to everyone that I call "friend" in life.  It's time that I make meaningful connections of my own, ones that require leaving my safe little box that is now 9101 168th Ave.

We went up north and rented a cabin for my birthday this year and I noted to my husband how very adult I felt.  I mean, my parents weren't with us!  Ha, he quickly noted that we did invite them, they just weren't able to come.  I will always want my parents close by.  That is reality for most of us.  If ALS progresses and starts to tear my Mom down more, it will not be easy, there will be very dark days.  There will be self pity and more grieving.  I just don't envision them as I did a week ago, it's not just my Dad, Mom, Sister, Brother and I facing this.  It's a strong village that seems to come through at just the right moments.  It is being held by a mighty hand.  It is making a very conscientious choice to live for TODAY, for these three.

My nephew Jaxson.

My sweetheart.

My comic relief.