Theisen Trio: It is well.

It is well with my heart.

It beats on.

It felt like it was shattering and after countless prayers, tears and encouragement sent my way I have made it through day number 2 at work.

I woke up Monday morning and felt the need to mother so I did the only thing I could, I picked up my sleeping daughter and rocked her. I filled her bottle with water and set out the pre-measured formula. I filled up Riley's cup with milk and placed it in the fridge. I wrote a note to their Daddy and told him how much I need and love him. I let him know that I cannot do this on my own and that without his endless calm and support I would crumble. I walked back to my children's room at least 5 times to get one last glimpse of them in their peaceful slumber before I made the short trek to my vehicle. I got in the truck and felt utterly alone. I cried softly to myself and I prayed, "Lord, lead me, I cannot do this on my own." I must have repeated this a hundred times. I cried when co-workers hugged me and told me how happy it made them to see me. I cried when they told me how beautiful my children were and how much joy it brings them to see my endless amount of new pictures.

By 6 a.m. my tears were through. I felt a calm come over me and a peace surround me like I have never felt before.

I surrounded myself with pictures of my sweet babes and I can feel their love when I look at them. I do not feel alone. I feel proud. I feel fulfilled. I feel happy. I feel loved.

I stumbled through my first day back trying to remember what the heck I did for a living before I spent 12 magical weeks at home. It felt kind of like riding a bike after years of no practice. Eventually my fingers started speeding through the work and I found a rhythm.

I went to lunch and I sat down with goldfish, a Mt Dew and a new book just waiting to be read. I sat for awhile and just watched the people around me. I saw a woman crying on her cell as she explained that her husband woke up and had a massive heart attack to the loved one on the other end of the line. I saw the 'Survivors of a Stroke' group selling hanging baskets for Mother's Day. I saw a waiting room full of anxious family members waiting to talk to a tech about how their loved one was doing in surgery. I finally made my way down to my favorite chairs by the fireplace and I was alone. It was quiet and quite honestly perfect. I opened up my goldfish and started reading. I read 3 full, uninterrupted chapters and got completely lost in them.

It was like a breathe of fresh air.

I can still live, work and be a Mommy. I can read a book happily and not feel guilty about being away from my kids. I can take the 'me' time and realize that it might even make me a better Mommy.

I have so much to be thankful for, to look forward to and to be happy about. It all surrounded me, healed my broken heart and carried me effortlessly through the remainder of my day.

I picked up a smiling Riley and and an excited Lyssa from Nana's house and I didn't stop smiling on the drive home. Riley was so excited that he tried a carrot at lunch and Lyssa talked to me for a good 10 minutes about everything.

We ate dinner as a family and then Daddy took Riley to the batting cages while us girls stayed back to do some ironing. We turned up the radio and when the ironing was done we danced. When the boys got back we sat on the couch before bed and we read books. With our kids sleeping we finished a movie together.

It was perfect. It was everything I needed.

I can do hard things with help. I can live for today and not worry about tomorrow. I can be at work and still be surrounded in love. My heart doesn't stop when I leave for the day. It flutters and eventually finds a steady beat. Life as I know it isn't over it's just another one of the countless new beginnings.

We were cleaning out the shed and the garage these last few weekends and I found a book from my senior year in high school that asked questions of me like where I thought I would be in 10 years and what I wanted to do with my life. First off, I graduated nearly 10 years ago this year, wow. Little did I know that before my senior year was through I would meet my husband : ). We had fun reading through it but the page that has stuck with me is the page where I talked about wanting to be married, have 4 babies, specifically the first one a boy and just be a Mommy. I am now a Mommy and I do not lose that part of myself when I leave for work. I wear it with pride through the bags under my eyes and the extra 5 lbs around my midsection. When the clock strikes 10:34 tonight I will be having a celebration. Twelve weeks of getting to hold Alyssa. On one hand it feels like she has been here forever, on the other it feels like we just delivered her. Either way today is special.

I feel a bit like a recovering alcoholic. One day at a time, celebrating each new day.