And she will be loved...

I can't believe it's been nearly 11 weeks since our sweet little Ava was finally placed in our arms.  The weeks leading up to her eviction were charged with great anticipation and longing on my part.  Derrick was in the midst of his busiest season at work and we actually willed her not to come at all early because he was gone until bedtime each night and sometimes was feared too far away geographically to make it home in time.  I did not particularly like the idea of being in labor and having to drive kids around and then myself to the hospital as I assumed she would come fast and furious.  She certainly showed me!  I had started leave on September 8th and was so much more relaxed when I didn't have to get up and out the door by 3:40 every morning.  I was still not sleeping much being 39+ weeks pregnant but my other fear of having my water break in a nursing home was put to rest! I had been told from my 37 week appt on that I wouldn't make it through the weekend.  I was dilated to 2 cm right away and then moved to 4 cm by 37 weeks which was a Friday.  I laughed when she told me that and then overthought every single twitch my abdomen made.  I was actually having some braxton hicks this time.  I would wake up and think it's time but only to wake up much later and realize I had fallen asleep and that it wasn't time, oh well, I was able to get more sleep!  Derrick was so proud of her when she was still hanging on in there by the night of the 11th.  Having been due on the 12th I thought it only logical to go to the first PTO meeting at 7:00 pm on the 11th.  I sat there for just over an hour listening intently but measuring every move she made, trying to decide what I would do if my water broke in front of the principal.  She never slowed down in utero.  She was my most active baby.  On the 12th her last piece of room art arrived so I thought again, anyday now little one.  The 13th I woke up anxious.  We sat around just waiting all day long, the kids were so bored so we headed to do some shopping and then thought spicy mexican would do the trick.  I ate more than I had been able to eat in a long time and soon after there were some definite signs that we were having a baby so my parents headed over to get the kids and we walked.  It was 9:00 and dark out but we put headlamps on and we walked and walked and walked.  The next morning I woke up thoroughly disappointed but still determined so I was out of bed before the sun came up and I walked some more, this time out in the field thinking some good hiking and sweat will persuade her.

It didn't, so we ate dinner at my parents house and brought our kids back home to start another new week.  Alyssa and I headed up to school on Monday to eat lunch with our kindergartener

and then Tuesday came and then Wednesday and then I was calling my midwife wondering how much longer they were going to let me go.

Thursday we went to a friends house with my bags packed in the truck and then did some shopping just waiting for the call back from the midwives.  She finally called me back that evening and had already scheduled us to be admitted Friday at 11:00.  I was so excited!  I didn't sleep much at all that night just willing her to stay put because we had a schedule all worked out for the big kids over the weekend.  She listened again and we got Riley on the bus, dropped Alyssa off at school, went to eat at IHOP, which oddly enough we had only been to once before but they had me at bacon and cheese stuffed french toast and they were close to Joanns.  We needed an emergency princess crown after an unfortunate dog incident with Alyssa and we thought it would be nice to get it beforehand and give one to both our girls, hence the proximity to Joanns.  We are always early, so we checked in at 10:40 and waited.  We waited and waited and waited.  For the IV bags to come up from pharmacy, for the nurse to then start my IV, for the antibiotics to go through ((and they have to go in slowly because otherwise they sting)(I was strep B+)) and then for my water to be broken.  They kept asking me if I was having contractions yet and I continued to say no, like did they not understand that I was being induced, it was not happening on it's own and it still wasn't but even so I walked around for a good hour just willing it all to start once more! Finally she broke my water at 3:30 and I kept walking and reading until the monitors stopped working properly and I had to stay put in my room.  I was thinking that labor and contractions were a piece of cake but finally, finally I could feel pain and I was excited until I had contraction after contraction with only a 20 second break inbetween each one, literally, 20 seconds with the average contraction lasting about 3 solid minutes.  It was unreal.  By far the worst labor pains I have had so by 6:30 I asked to be checked again at 7:00.  At 7:00 I was still at a 4!  A stupid 4!  So I opted for the epidural.  The whole pregnancy I thought I should just go about labor naturally.  I thought if this is my last, I should feel everything and cherish every single pain.  Needless to say, that was also stupid and after literally squeezing the life out of Derrick's hands for 2 hours I almost kissed the anesthesiologist but I was in too much pain to move.  He was walking out of the room by 7:45 and I should have been more comfortable but I wasn't.  I was having the worst pressure I have ever felt.  I gave it a few more minutes and thought he didn't place it right but turns out, boom, she was ready to come.  Just like that.  My midwife came back and we bragged about how Alyssa was out in 2 pushes so she would surely be able to make it to the other room that was just about ready.  Again, baby girl showed me.  I pushed for 19 minutes which felt like an eternity.  She was literally stuck, I could feel her almost push out and then just be stuck.  She went back and forth, back and forth and then I asked my midwife and Derrick if she was a giant and they both just looked at me and said nothing.  I was sure she was going to be 10+ lbs and that's why she was stuck but finally, finally, oh sweet finally, she was out.  She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice and her hands were also wrapped up by her cheeks so that's why she was stuck.  Every U/S we had, she always had her hands up by her cheeks so I should have known better.  They unwrapped her tiny self and laid her right on me.  Just like her brother, she hardly cried.  She stared up at Daddy and was so calm.

Everyone rushed out of the room to help another laboring mother so it was quiet and calm and perfect.  She was cleaned up and weighed in at 7 lbs 4 ozs, 20 inches long.  Our tiniest baby by a few ounces.  My parents happened to be at a wedding in Minnetonka so they headed over around 10:00 to meet our Ava.  She was either Madeline or Ava or possibly Mallory but in the end Ava fit her best.  She got her middle name from the kids.  Whenever someone asked them what the babies name should be is was always, Rosie.  I don't know where they got that from but after 9 months of them wanting a Rosie, we had to incorporate it somehow so she became Ava Rose.  Derrick went home around 11:00, my brother stayed until she had her first bath and then headed home around midnight and then it was just us.  I think my most precious, sacred moments are the moments when it's just me and my new baby.  I held her, and prayed over her, whispering love and hopes over her.

 I cry now just reliving those moments where all of the fears, excitement, anticipation of 9 months and love finally culminate and spill out onto this tiny human.  I stayed in my huge labor room all night and woke up the next morning in awe that this was real.

Derrick brought Riley and Alyssa up to meet her along with Nana Kathy and we had so much fun watching the love they had stored up for her spill out all over the place.

They love her so well.  We had a full day of visitors after the ALS walk and finally it was just Ava and I again.  We were moved to a smaller, cozy room with a much more comfortable bed and I just couldn't take my eyes off of her.  Daddy called to say the big kids missed her and wanted to say goodnight to her and after that we rocked in the chair together.  They took her for her 24 hour check up and I cried.  I missed her already and I was clearly hormonal.  She returned to me bloody and pissed.

The heelstick and shot put her over the edge and she literally cried all night long.  I was so tired by about 7:00 a.m. that I changed her diaper while she was laying on me and she peed all over me.  It was a great excuse to get out of the hospital gown and into real clothes.  It felt good.  So weird, to be all of a sudden without a belly and into real clothes, real clothes being sweatpants and an oversized shirt but you know.  I was almost ready to leave the hospital but wasn't in a hurry.  Those quiet moments are precious and the food was so good.  I could have stayed for a few more days but we headed home and made a stop at Broadway for pizza to go on the way home.  The next weeks were a blur.  One big, happy, satisfied blur.  We stayed busy.  She from day one, slept in her crib usually around 10:00 pm and would get up every few hours but went right back to sleep until 7:00 or so in the morning.

I was geared up for late, long nights but they never came.  She never cried, she was/is a fantastic nurser, she smiled at 1 week old, not a fake gas smile, but a- look- right- us and genuinely smile, smile.  She didn't like a nuk and we worked hard to get her to take one.  She now likes them when she is tired but otherwise has no need for them.  She continued to go to sleep earlier and earlier and by November she was sleeping in 5 hour stretches.  I have been so well-rested these last 12 weeks.  I have never been more calm or felt like such a satisfied, pretty "good" Mom. It's by far been the easiest transition of child rearing we have had and there have been moments of "what were we thinking" but I can count those moments on one hand.  I cannot count how many moments of "this is how it was meant to be" have occurred.  It feels right, she had a place in our house and in our hearts long before we even knew there was room.  I am almost down to pre-pregnancy weight.  I have 10 lbs to go but I feel good this time.  I feel pretty normal and if I stayed at 140, I could be happy with that. I like my treadmill time though and if nothing else, it gives me a chance to watch Grey's and refresh for a quick 30 minutes.  I'm just going to keep running with this giant paragraph because I don't know where to split it up and I just don't care that much.  I have learned so much this last 12 weeks.  I started a Beth Moore study when she was just 3 weeks old and I thought to myself how stupid I was, carting a newborn back and forth, nursing her in the back of the room, hardly able to pay attention but now we are here with only 1 week left of study and she doesn't come with me anymore.  I have learned so much from Beth and the other ladies in my group and from my tiny Ava.  Life is so short, I learned that the hardest way last fall and it's been reinforced with how fast and furious time flies.  I have been marching to the drum of Phillipians 4:4-6 as I approach going back to work tomorrow.  My heart is tight.  I do not want to go back to overtired, out of patience Mom and Lindsey.  I so want to be what my kids deserve.  I am so scared that I will fall back into that pity party of 1.  Oh, my heart is so tight today.  The tears are ripe and just wanting a place to fall.  I am lucky enough to ease back into work, working just 9 days in December before going back to 24 hour weeks in January but still I am tight and raw today.  I will not sleep much tonight and I will wake up my Ava to nurse at 3:30 so she will sleep until I get home.  We will keep working on bottles and soon enough I will not be having to wake her up anymore.  I pray for sustenance and peace as I face these long days ahead, it's all a gift.  How great would it be if we celebrated everyday like it's a holiday, thankful for our gifts, spending time with family and friends and looking hopefully towards a bright future?  Thankfully for me (and you), love writes an incredible story that started on Christmas and ended on a cross.  I pray to live these long, hard, sleepless days ahead with that in mind.

Riley, Alyssa, Ava, I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine.  I love you past the moon and back.  I love you deep and wide.  I am your momma and I make so many mistakes but my love for you will never waiver.   And now I treadmill to get out those tears and sweat and hopefully do at least one productive thing with so far such a waste of a day.  Till next time.