Life as of late

Life, sweet, exhausting, never a dull moment.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my brain that I don't really know where to start.

We've been good.  Real good.

We have been celebrating my birthday for a week straight now and tomorrow shall be the culmination into 30.  Oh dear, 30.  I'm not scared or sad, just a little awestruck.  My 20's were pretty magical.  I fell deeply in love with my D, was engaged the night before my 21st, got married at 22, had a baby at 25, another one at 28 and now I look back and just see love.  Tonight I am wearing glasses that only see the good.  The last 10 years have been a whirlwind.  The next 10 will be a whirlwind.

I remember feeling so young when I had Riley like I had no business having a baby let alone walking him out of the hospital and taking him home with me.  That's the amazing thing about children.  They can make you feel impossibly small and huge at any given moment.  It never will be about just me and my wants, it will always be about what is best for our family and this is not only easy to swallow but a pill I have wanted to swallow since I was a young girl.

I have everything I have ever wanted.  My family is close.  My children are loved.  I have a boy and a girl.  One the spitting image of me, the other a spitting image of my husband.  We have jobs, a house, two vehicles and food in the fridge.  I feel so content.

Friday my parents had to put down Tuckie.  He would have been 12 in December and it was alot harder on me than I expected.  My kids loved him and it reminded us of Deuce.  So we spent the evening drinking down marg's at our favorite Mexican joint with my parents and we laughed, ate and were generally merry.  Saturday we started packing things up, organizing, cleaning, purging everything out.  Our house will be up on the market soon and just the thought of leaving this house broke my heart.  I have spent the last 10  years in the house.  Both of our children were brought home to this house.  It's not a huge house but it has huge pieces of our lives and hearts in it.  Maybe it won't sell, maybe it will.  The journey will be interesting but whatever happens, well just happens.  I have zero expectations but you have to start somewhere.

My needs did matter alot this last week.  It was odd and felt a little out of order and selfish but I was able to pretty much do whatever I wanted for the most part.  We jet-setted to Vegas and enjoyed 82 degree weather, quiet hotel quarters, lots of adult conversation over dinners and coffee at whatever hour I wanted.  It was pretty chill.  We partied like we were rockstars, took in a Cirque show (The Reve, WOW),  walked and walked and walked and finally came home to a dreary MN day.  My heart felt right, it felt at peace, our kids, our own little house with all the little quirks you would expect from a 60 year old house were together and it was just right.  I took an extra day off to spend with my little ones and we drank eachother up.  Lyssi didn't stop smiling once all day.  She kept touching my face all gently and repeating, "my mommy, my mommy."  Riley was his usual ball of high energy and he once again beat me in our nightly Sorry game.  I went back to work and my new hours 6 to 2:30 were a breeze added to the fact that 2 day work weeks are a piece of cake.  We pulled the trigger on going out again to celebrate more birthdays coupled with mine Saturday, regrettably dropped off our children again and partied once more like rockstars.  We slept late on Sunday and here I am.  Dreaming about how much fun the next three PTO days will be.  Thinking about what is in hold for me over the next 10 years.

My life is reigning in the wild "all boy" and soaking up the thoughtfulness and gentle touch of our baby girl.  It's a good balance and to look into the future seems futile.  I can't bring myself to imagine Riley or Alyssa any differently than they are today.  I had my selfish week and now I am excited as all get-up about our family together on Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas .  This year is going to be epic.  Thirty makes me feel certifiably adult.  I feel like I am going to take this year by the reigns.  This last week has reminded me how important one on one time with my husband is.  No more, we do absolutely everything, everyday, every weekend with our kids.  We will carve out snippets of time for us.  Adult conversation about unimportant things that make us laugh.

I hope my 30's will be less about comparisons and more about what genuinely and authentically makes me happy.  I hope to be less hard on myself and learn to look past my really negative self-image.  D has pointed out to me how very hard I am on myself and I started noted how many times I criticize the way I look or feel.  It's a bad example for our children and I hope to learn in my 30's that it doesn't really matter.  I hope to take a compliment and not immediately reject it.  I hope to sing at the top of my lungs in church when a song moves me and throw my palms up to the ceiling because up to now, I haven't had the guts.  I hope to be silly and embrace myself at any given moment.  I hope the melasma around my eyes won't make me cringe to the point of avoiding looking in any mirrors all day long.  I hope I take a healthier approach to working out that doesn't include the guilt I throw on myself for missing one day.  I hope to eat the good chocolate when I need it and I vouch to shop for myself once in awhile cause the feel and fit of new jeans is incredible! I hope to pull out my big camera more for the everyday moments.  I hope to pull out the camcorder more so we can remember that Riley can't pronounce certain letters and has the cutest little voice still and that Alyssa is a little dictionary of knowledge pronouncing and speaking full sentences at her tender age.  I want to hug my children everyday and make them look me in the eye when I tell them how much I love them.  I want them to feel my attention and love.  I want to be more vocal with my love for my family.  I want to tell my parents more often how much I love them.  How important they are to me and how very, deeply, grateful I am for everything they do for us.  I want to tell my sister more often how funny she is and how much I miss her when I don't see her for a few days.  I want to tell my brother more often that he is the kindest, most giving and loving person I know.

I have hopes, dreams, visions of what the future might hold.  But mostly, I just want to live everyday as it comes to me.  There will be rough moments and shiny ones.

Cheers to 30.  Cheers to life.  Cheers to it all.  It should be noted that I can't get "Good Life" out of my head.  It really is a good life isn't it!?