A little Easter and a little all over the place

There is something so special about my little girl.  I love her so darn much it hurts most of the time.  She just kills me with her blue eyes, blonde hair and perfect little lips.  When I hold her I almost always instinctively walk over to a mirror and stare at her reflection because to hold her is perfection but I still need to drink in her sweet self, full of expressions and smiles.  I remember holding her for the first time nearly everyday and it is still so fresh it feels like just yesterday.  Sweet, delicate, tiny dancer, you are just the perfect ying to Riley's brown haired, brown eyed yang.  You are the calm to his hyper.  You are the gentle to his rough.  You are our girl and we stare at you in awe all the time.  Can you believe the change in her in just a year?  She has so much hair now that it makes her almost unrecognizable to last year at this time.  Every time I see that commercial where the Dad is standing outside the passenger side window talking to his little 4 year old about driving safe and carefully following every road rule only to have her turn into her beautiful 16 year old self I could cry.  Ain't that the truth that it only takes a blink of the eye and they are grown?  I am just really loving being her momma and she is as previously mentioned perfection.  

Easter was good.  We got up and did the basket thing, bathed and completed the shower thing, dressed and primped to complete the polished look thing and then rushed out the door to make it to breakfast.  Our wires got crossed and we went to the wrong place.  Miscommunication seems to be my thing as of late.  It's like my brain is racing a million miles an hour at all times.  Reading takes tremendous effort and I can hardly make it through 2 pages without just putting it down to lose myself in something easier like FB or the TV.  Sitting down and doing absolutely nothing has become some what of a lost art at our house.  See?  There goes my train of thought.  I feel disconnected and unable to string together consecutive, adult thoughts.  So basically you need to bare with me, realize that a person who gets up everyday at 3 a.m. comes up with outrageous ideas and requires a nap everyday now.  I have this constant list of must do's running through my head like visit the new baby born, spend alone time with Riley just walking around and taking spring pictures, spend alone time with Alyssa walking around and taking spring pictures, think and find meaningful mother's day gifts, is Daddy out of town at all this weekend?, invite the neighbors over for dinner in appreciation for everything they do and give to our kids, find/make meaningful gifts for Riley's teacher, spend time getting Sunday school's lesson ready, what time am I working until tomorrow?, is the dog puking?, where is my Target list?, return all of those too big clothes back to Baby Gap, turn in Riley's field trip form and once again ask for the day off, see The Hunger Games, make mom's day out plans with Rach, dinner alone with D, take Riley to a movie, and on and on and on, certainly nothing new, certainly nothing no one else experiences but for some reason quite debilitating as of late.  

I need structure, I need lists, I need a calendar.  I need a day with no plans and a day to stay in cozies all day long.  I need to take pictures like a fat kid eats cake.  Now that I clearly can identify what I "need" I have started a very structured approach to everyday that includes my life planner, my kids and the breathing room to totally fail and still feel very fulfilled even when I can't cross anything off the list.  

It started with a quick night out just D and I.  The kids went to church and were babysat by the teachers, a deal we took advantage of at the last minute.  Win-win really.  The school makes some extra dough, the kids have so much fun they almost burst and we get a dinner out alone...Cue Ruth Chris Steakhouse, the best petite filet my mouth has ever tasted a homey, small, sophisticated room all to ourselves thanks to our elderly eating habits, easy conversation and a race to get back to our kids.  Is it normal to miss them so much you can't get back to them fast enough?  Alyssa was adored on by all and Riley was so excited to tell us "I made 2 new friends, one in a black shirt and one in a white shirt."  

It continues with impromptu car trips to farther away parks to just run around and lose our minds in slides, swings and rolling down hills.  To throw rocks in a pond, to go to the pet store because looking at all kinds of fish swimming around is fun, free and really relaxing.  To just take each day singly and just do the best you can with that day.  It's a constant battle and requires patience and practice.  I hope to get there someday.  

It's also following through with a game plan where Riley is concerned.  He has been a handful lately.  So much energy all wrapped up in a his little body makes for a rough and wild Riley.  He had been walking by Alyssa and just giving her a little push, enough to knock Sister down, or sticking out his legs so she trips, wrestling with her until it's not fun anymore and she is crying.  We did not know how to handle it and appropriately turned to FB for real life advice, kind of ironic eh?  What we learned is that this is pretty normal, experienced by nearly all and totally manageable.  How's that for sucking up your feelings of total parental failure and turning it into something positive, slowly but surely we are all guiding our way through the crazy year that 3 has brought to our boy, we are looking forward to 4 and taking deep breaths when things go awry but doling out mucho praise when things as planned and punishment/persistence pay off.  Needless to say my brain has been pretty much all consumed over worrying about the psyche of my 3 year old.  I was so embarrassed over it all, feeling so clueless and helpless only to find out, hello! this is normal sibling stuff.  My children are not perfect (trust me, I kind of already realized that) and they will be testing boundaries for the next 18 years, along with irritating each other to no end.  

On that note, here's my perfect (oops I am still working on that) children doing life lately.  

Cue the wind, knocked Sister's shoe right off!

tiny dancer, chubby knees <3

Sparkle, sparkle

Alyssa Lu is strong

Riley's Alyssa Lu impression!

Living, learning, loving.  

The skinny: It's been too long.

Hello there, miss me?  Ha, even I only come back to look at the pics of our kids ; )  It's feels like forever since I have sat down to get some words out there so bear with me and if you just can't well then scroll down to find the real goods i.e. the pics, I won't feel bad.

Daddy has been very busy at work these days.  I guess spring really is in the air because the appts are keeping him busy so the kids and I have been loading up on long walks and different parks nearly every night.  We found a duck haven and can't wait to show Daddy!  This last Saturday we all rode together to his home show in Maple Grove and the kids and I snuck away to do some summer shopping on his dime.  Two things I noticed were that Baby Gap is no friend to a shopper.  It's tight, not at all stroller friendly and must run super big because everything we bought Lyssi Lu was 6-12 months and Riley was only able to keep up on his waist 18-24 month old shorts.  

Mommy has been promoted at work and is keeping insane hours these days getting up at 3:00 a.m. (OUCH) and working til 1:30-2:00.  We had a pretty smooth inspection though and lot's of changes are around the corner so the many hours are flying by and keeping me too busy most days.  I also need a haircut but I cannot find the time.  Soon, maybe!?  What has been sucking my time other than work/kids?  The Hunger Games.  I have been utterly obsessed with these 3 books finishing them all in 3 weeks with the last 2 being read in 7 days.  7 days!  I don't even know where to start with a review but you just must read them.  I was pretty drained when I finally finished the last one last night and I may have gone to bed with a few tears in my eyes but I have always been a weeny emotionally and realize tears may not spring up in your eyes.  I will miss these books dearly though as we have been attached at the hands nearly every second of downtime.  I've also been busying myself with a new editing program I finally broke down and bought.  I am not an editor of pics, never have been.  I shoot in manual and try to get it as perfect as possible without having to make any adjustments cause who has time to do that and/or wants to sit editing every single picture!?  Well as you will see some turn out pretty good and some are clearly the work of a beginner who is not at all comfortable tweaking and has yet to find her editing style.  

Riley has been busy at everything.  He is obsessed with nature shows and reading books.  Little man can't get enough of learning and will school you on every animal from piranhas to cheetahs.  He can still be found sorting through his endless amounts of lures and now that we took the boat out of storage he doesn't let a night pass where he won't ask about playing in the boat and I must mention that he can get in there by himself now so keep your boats covered lest you want a tiny pro in it!  He is signed up for 2 sessions of summer camp at school this summer and although I am having a hard time getting him signed up for t-ball (you are supposed to be 4 and he doesn't turn until July) you can bet he already practicing his ferocious swing every chance he gets.  He really enjoys turning on the TV all by himself now in the mornings although I think we might enjoy that extra 30-45 minutes of sleep even more!  He corrects us when we let "stupid" slip with a "hey, we do not use that word in this house."  He knows when we spell something out that it is something bad so he usually reprimands for that also.  Riley and I have a funny connection.  He can say something or give me this look and we both bust out in laughter.  It happens all the time and I usually end up in tears.  He is silly and fun and the best of both D and I.  He continues to entertain and surprise us with his humor, insight and general love of life everyday. 

First fishing trip of the season and guess who's pole caught this nice northern?

Alyssa Lu is what we refer to as a tiny tornado.  Girlfriend officially started walking everywhere March 25th but up until then would only tease us with her walking for 5-6 steps before intentionally switching over to all fours and then turning around to grin at us as if saying "I will do it when I am good and ready."  She is a headache in the bathtub.  If you put her in her bath chair she stands up every 23 seconds  and just waits for you to react.  The more you react the funnier she thinks it all is.  It would be all good except that she needs a bath nearly every night because she gives herself food facials at dinner time and for extra measure uses it as mousse also.  Music and food move her the most.  She can't resist dancing to all music and when there is food in front of her she is at her happiest, throwing her hands in the air to dance, giving big old cheesy smiles and gobbling it up like it's her last meal. It's a wonder that she is only 18.4 lbs.  She walks around "ruffing" like a dog, it is adorbs!  We just love her from her blonde locks to her tiny toesies, she has us all smitten.  She now has 4 top and 4 bottom teeth in with 2 molars coming in that look awfully painful.  She's still in size 3 diapers, going to bed around 7:15 and sleeping all night.  I still have to pinch myself that she is mine.  She looked so much like her Daddy the other night as he was holding her.  They were both looking out the window with their mouths open and the resemblance was striking.  Just when I thought I couldn't love him anymore he scores brownie points over his contribution to our beauty. 

Happiness is peas and pumpkin pancakes.  

Deuce is not doing good.  He can't keep anything down and just after we spent over $600 dollars in Dec thinking that he was doing so much better he continues to get worse.  He eats his breakfast in the garage now and has to be locked up in there until someone gets home as we can no longer handle the puke/bile he throws up daily.  His stomach is hard to look at and we have started to talk to Riley about him being sick and going to heaven.  We go back and forth on putting him down but for now he still has life in his eyes and somewhat of a spring in his step although he doesn't have the stamina for walks anymore.  After every horrible thing I have said about him since we started having kids I regret nearly 95% of it.  He has been an incredible dog and this decision will not be taken lightly or made hastily.  

I feel like there is something more I was meant to type but that's all I've got.  Overworked, overtired, and needing to get back to my kids as naptime is almost done (man I love when I get to leave work at 12:30!!!!). This is where I leave you people looking at the best of me, my kids.  

Food facial of spaghetti!  

The birthday spread

The birthday girl

The birthday fun

The birthday cake

Add caption

This

We have been listening to Country music more and more around here.  It even took me by surprise and I really, really like it.  The fresh country music is pretty and real.  One song really took me by surprise mostly because I was a Hootie fan but also because it struck a chord with me.  "This" by Darius Rucker is right on the money.  Turn it up and grab a baby to hold.  It takes me back to the many endless nights with no sleep spent with both Riley and Alyssa.  It reminds me to hold on tight and remember that one day I will wish for it all back again.  It brings me hope that even though today was hard one day we will only remember the smiles and fun.  It makes all the trips that inevitably wipe us out so worth it cause it's all going to be memories.

I have never lost a child but I know how it feels to want a child so bad that my arms ached to hold one.  I know and understand the utter despair you feel after yet another negative pregnancy test.  I remember all to well the weeks turning into months turning into hopelessness and finally out of nowhere and after tests and dr visits how suddenly I/we had everything we wanted.  My heart just aches at every story I hear about someone struggling to get pregnant.  I want to hug them and tell them that I understand.  I want to tell them that I have loved my children since I was 5 or 6 years old cutting out which stroller and car seat I would use for them from the Sunday ads.  My heart understands.  This song sings to my heart.  It centers me and recharges me to click more pictures, record more memories and say a prayer for all those babies that are waiting to be born to the parents who have dreamed of them for such a long time.

I am thinking about sweet Elly Michelle and how she was born at 25 weeks only to live for a few short hours.  I remember the excitement in her mama's posts and the first time parent questions she asked of me.  I have this picture stuck in my head of Jesus holding her tiny baby self and smiling at how perfect she is.  I have no words for her mama but I want her to know that I think of Elly nearly everyday and that she made an impact on me.  I will remember her name.

It is a reminder that we are not in this alone and we can lean on more than our spouses when we need a break.  It's in taking in a movie with a dear friend to just sit there and get totally lost in it, relaxing in the quietness and calm we rarely get.  It's in pedi's no one will see, dinner and margaritas that have us laughing over the craziness that is our kids.  How we went from wishing, praying, hoping, to frazzled, aged and needing a mommy's day out.

It's waking up this beautiful Sunday morning and feeling so recharged, so refreshed that I am completely  antsy for my daughter to wake up so I kiss her baby cheeks.  It's laughing with my 3.5 year old over his goofiness and the things he says.  We can just look at each other and be found in fits of laughter.  It's hugging my husband goodbye again this morning after hardly seeing him for days and reminding each other that it won't be like this for long.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It take a village: Family ties

It takes a village to raise kids.  Our village is my family.  My parents especially.  Most of you already know that they left for their cruise a few Saturday's ago while us girls ventured out shopping.  I already missed my Mom as I found cute little things that would look great in her new kitchen or when I wanted to hear an opinion (an honest one) on how a shirt looked on me but it goes way beyond shopping opinions and straight to the heart of support.  I have no idea how we would be raising two kids without the support and help from my parents.

I called my dad saturday night to wish him a fun time and I wanted to cry just talking to him.  I have always been a huge homebody and I moved 2.5 miles away from my parents.  I didn't like saying goodbye and it made me uncomfortable knowing they would be out of touch and reach for a week.  I know I am an adult but I certainly didn't feel like one, let alone a parent of two.  I like that my dad calls randomly during the day to "check-in" and I like that he occasionally calls to drop in and see the kids.  I knew I would be missing his laid back, calm attitude at church as he waved hi to all the little kids and greeted them with high fives and jokes.  I love my dad.  He has always been such a softy and one I hate to disappoint.  He usually has great advice and always makes us laugh.  I have one very vivid memory of my dad growing up and it was back when my mom worked at the vineyard in the evenings.  I am not sure how I came to this conclusion but I realized that my dad was not invincible.  I realized that someday he would die and I came downstairs after I was supposed to be sleeping just bawling.  I vividly remember him sitting at the table without a shirt on reading the paper and watching TV on this old set that he would carry around the house and plug into just about anywhere.  He dropped everything and just held me until I was calmed down enough to finally fall asleep.  I had to be about 7 or so, maybe younger and the next time I worried about my dad's invincibility I was sitting in his ICU room as he came out of surgery nearly 12-15 years later.  It still to this day makes me cringe to remember that painful realization and how life is never a guarantee.

I had such a wonderful childhood and now my kids get to experience that everyday, at least one day per week with both of my parents.  They get to snuggle with my softy dad and they get spoiled by my mom's giving attitude that never stops.  They get hugs and kisses and prayers prayed over them everyday.  My mind is completely, totally, utterly at ease when I think about what my children are doing during the daytime while I am away at work.  They are crawling around and hiding in the same spots I did growing up.  My mom watching our kids is a huge, huge blessing and one that we never try to take to for granted.

D and I took the week off to be with the kids and most days it was both of us fumbling around trying to make it through the day, mostly because we all had a nasty unforgiving cold but still it's not easy work.  Everyday it was hard not to call my mom for advice or relief cause I know better than anyone that when one of us kids is sick she is willing to bring over soup and goodies hoping to help us feel better.

We frequently enjoy eating dinner at my parent's house.  My mom is about the best cook ever and our diets this last week they were gone were "each for their own" style.  Sickness played a huge part in that but just knowing I couldn't call up mom to see if we can eat over there was hugely disappointing for the food and the company.  Even after a long day with the kids my mom always goes over board with a 3-4 course meal complete with a Lyssi Lu meal all cut up and ready to go.  We missed that.  It was nice that my siblings were able to meet at my parent's for Lyssi Lu's birthday for pizza and cake.  They are always helping fill in gaps with childcare or quick visits to say hi to the kids.  They are definitely a part of our village.  I value and love my sibs more than ever now that we are older.

It was a relief to hear from my mom wednesday night despite the news that they were on a "sick" ship and turning around to come home.  Being out of communication with someone you literally talk to multiple times each day is unsettling.  D picked them up after cake and they stopped by to say hi the kids on the way home.  The reunion between the four was hilarious.  Let's just say that we didn't get that nice of a reunion when we came home from Vegas.  There is a special bond there.

Family ties really go so deep and are felt so acutely when they are stretched.  Just a little stretch tugs at our insides.  We made dinners yesterday, 4 to be exact.  Now that football is done I have the time to get organized for the week ahead.  Don't worry my husband hasn't starved this last season ; ).  So to celebrate we invited my parents over and they left with our riley.  We settled in by 7:15 with our babe sleeping to watch some TV whilst enjoying the quiet calm in the house.  By 9:00 we missed our boy.  It cracks me up that neither of us can go a night while riley is gone without uttering words of regret at his absence.

Even just the chance to sneak a last peek at him before going to bed is always missed.  Our family operates at it's best when we are together.  Isn't that what it is all about?  Lean/support, feed/eat, give/take, love/hate?  Ha!  Just kidding about the last one!

Anyways love you, my family, my sister and bro, my mom and dad, my husband and of course my son and his sweet sister.  What would I do without my village!?