I remember the start of 2013 clearly. I had just gone back to work on the 2nd, a day earlier than I should have after my Mom had some surgery. I was quite bitter about it and on my way home I rear ended a work truck in front of me because of icy roads and one of those complete slam on the brake sudden stops that 169 is so famous for. How a highway can all of a sudden come to a complete stop right when you get over a hill is beyond me but it was done. I had smacked him and his truck was fine, Derrick's Corolla was not. I was so mad and so scared that I lashed out. It was all Derrick's fault for making me go back to work and this was his birthday, he should have just let me stay home and make a nice dinner. Now 2 hours later in freezing temps I was still sitting in a freezing cold car waiting to be picked up. I could not and would not go into the tow shop because I could just envision the stares from the men about the "stupid" woman who was paying no attention and obviously following too closely to care. When D finally did arrive we were utterly silent. He knew that I was blaming him and because of the person he is he just didn't go there. We spent the next two days in total silence. Ha, can you imagine how awkward it is to move around your new house, try to find things, care for your children together and then go to bed together and still not be talking? I look back on that and just find nothing but Grace. My husband is the most forgiving person I know. He bends over backward to just make things better and stays calm all the while I act a fool. I completely ruined our car, his birthday and the start of a fresh new year. I had so much anger that I couldn't just take it out on myself, it branched out to everyone around me. This was also about the time that my Mom just couldn't seem to muster up any energy. She was exhausted after having the kids for 3.5-4 hours and many times I would rush over there at 12:30 and round them up as fast as I could to be on my way home by 12:40. I kept that up for months. I couldn't understand her change and I was mad about it. Mad enough that I was silent again about it. I let things snowball and eventually we came to a blowout, I believe more than once. I never stopped and listened. I never looked beyond my own circumstance to really, really care what her's might have been. That again is my biggest challenge in life and my biggest regret. I can look back now and see that although 2013 was trying and at times frustrating, it ended with such love and shared passion.
The prospect of a fresh new year for 2014 scared me to the core. I was jealous that everyone else had a fresh, clean slate to look forward to and we had a stained slate full of uncertainties and pain. Each new day potentially bringing us farther and farther away from the woman we knew as Mom. I looked into the future and projected it's appearance. I did this for a few days and then my mind and body just couldn't do it anymore. I started feeling urges and prayers started breaking through my thick head. I had to sit down and do a bible study. I had to start believing, really believing. I had to keep living, enough so that smiling and laugher were the norm, not tears and being alone. When you start to actually glimpse the face of Christ and allow Him to honestly infiltrate your life there is no doubt that a peace that surpasses all understanding finds you. I've never had to do this at 31. I have lived a safe, easy life. The simple, childlike Bible stories were enough for me. I am surrounding myself with glimpses of Heaven. A great book that my husband finally read after years of me telling him he should is "Forever Ours", Real stories of immortality and living from a forensic pathologist. Janis Amatuzio, MD. It is so well written and so compelling. I have read it at least 3 times but this 4th time I feel it. I feel the anticipation and excitement for Heaven. I believe that God's plan is greater than ALS for my Mom. I believe that He can heal her. I believe he is using this to His glory and I have finally stepped in line with that. I also now know that if she does perish any sooner than I thought (95) I will be okay. I will be able to pick myself up and I will see her again. In my dreams, in the stars, in the clouds, in Heaven. No, this does not make everyday so easy but this life will never be easy. That is why you surround yourself with people that have your back when you falter. The day after Christmas Boston's in CR held it's ALS fundraiser with 10% of all food orders going to the ALSA. My Mom's dear friend Jan organized it by sending massive emails out and spreading the word. We walked into the restaurant that night and were surrounded by friends and family. It was overwhelming in a good way. Jan had made necklaces that either had our family picture on it or said "We Love the Hutchinson's". My Alyssa thought Grandma was a celebrity along with her little friend Mila. Every minute someone new seemed to walk through the door. All in all, 83 total people showed up with some kind of connection to my Mom. Some of my dearest friends showed up, Tim, Deb and his whole family, Keith, Sica and Mila, Jeff, Apryl, Avery, and Eric, Kim, Luke, Carter and Graham, Rob, Carrie, Logan and Layla. Countless dear friends to my parents and all the while I watched my Dad shine and feed off of the support that was lavishly handed out to us that night. All it took was showing up and just saying "hi". No words were needed. No sympathies, no awkward pauses. All they did was show up and it said everything to us.
Right now the most common question I receive is "how is your Mom doing?" Honestly, I answer with "really good, she is strong in mind, body and faith." What I have been listening to now is the nitty gritty. She struggles with frequent muscle cramps all over her body, especially her legs and her abdomen. When she finally lays down at night, her muscles twitch and dance all over making it nearly impossible to fall asleep or stay asleep. She has told me that she tires easily and that she can tell when she overdoes immediately. She always has to use the handrails on the stairs. These are very specific prayers that we are adjusting to now. Life isn't the same as it was just a year or so ago. Birthday dinners are now cut down to just the birthday person and their family because she just can't do big, elaborate dinners anymore. And while this was too scary to face just a few weeks ago, I feel strong in knowing now. I feel more compassion and more responsibility to do life better. Not just towards my Mom but to everyone that I call "friend" in life. It's time that I make meaningful connections of my own, ones that require leaving my safe little box that is now 9101 168th Ave.
We went up north and rented a cabin for my birthday this year and I noted to my husband how very adult I felt. I mean, my parents weren't with us! Ha, he quickly noted that we did invite them, they just weren't able to come. I will always want my parents close by. That is reality for most of us. If ALS progresses and starts to tear my Mom down more, it will not be easy, there will be very dark days. There will be self pity and more grieving. I just don't envision them as I did a week ago, it's not just my Dad, Mom, Sister, Brother and I facing this. It's a strong village that seems to come through at just the right moments. It is being held by a mighty hand. It is making a very conscientious choice to live for TODAY, for these three.
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| My nephew Jaxson. |
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| My sweetheart. |
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| My comic relief. |
