Monotony madness

Stream of consciousness, vulnerability style.

Now that the Christmas season is behind us I am in a funk.  The mundane everyday life has brought with it a funk.  A funk that says "here we go again."  Wake up, go to work, get home, pick up kids, play in the living room, search for dinner, pj's and baths, brushing/flossing, books, bottles and finally bedtime for all and then we start over and do it all over again.  It's counting down the days til the weekend only to realize that there really is nothing relaxing about the weekend anymore.  It is recognizing that the only time that I make an effort to do something for myself is usually when I chose to go to bed right after Riley and then the realization follows that going to bed early means nothing gets done.  It is getting so consumed with routine that you lose the spontaneity to smile about the hiccups and go with the flow.

It's dreading the same monotony and feeling like a failure that has me fading into the background and not caring about a messy house or the fact that the laundry is still in the basket patiently waiting 2 weeks later to be ironed.  It's taking off the sheets to be washed and then wanting to sleep on the couch just to avoid putting them back on.  Whatever the "it" is, it is sucking out my energy and taking with it the happiness that has always been found in the mundane.  "It" needs to change.

The cold seems to be back and our little escapes outside to take walks and play at the park are over so I need to find a way to bring the JOY back even if we are stuck inside.  I need to find a way to bring organization back so I feel less like a lazy failure of a Mother and more like one that has it almost (ha!) all figured out.

 We dropped my sister off at the bar on Friday and I was struck by how happy I was that those days for me were over.  I was so happy to be going home with my little one's, to snuggle up and read bedtime books before turning off the lights with "i love you's and sleep tights."

The next night I was struck with how badly I wanted to go to the bar and sit on a stool, watching the big games on the screens and being drowned out by the roars of the cheering and jeering.  I just wanted to take off and go.  I didn't want to call for a sitter, set out pj's, write up notes for bedtime routines or worry about being awoken by crib kicks and the crinkling of a pull-up walking in to say goodmorning.  Then the guilt of that fantasy took over and I was feeling just miserable.  What kind of a Mom wishes she had no responsibility because there is a football game she wants to watch?

I think it's a combination of my strong desire as of late to be home full-time with the kids, failing to get all those Christmas activities I had planned crossed off the list and just being worn down and inactive from over-eating for weeks and not being happy with my weight. We Mother's can always find failure in ourselves so easily and the guilt nearly knocks me out as it stares me down.


Enough is enough. I will not let the monotony bring me down any longer. It is time to get active, get involved, get organized. It is time to stop delaying and just do it. I am going to make it a point to wake up and thank God for something new everyday. I am going to make it a point to brighten someone's day everyday. I am going to make it a point to do something special everyday. There is adventure and excitement to be found, I am just going to have to start opening my eyes to the beauty of it.

So even though I am right where I want/need to be there needs to be a balance between the mundane and the exciting.  There needs to be structure and flexibility.  There needs to be give and take and then more give and take to cover.  I am going to throw away the guilt (at least for a few hours) and just trust in my abilities to mother.

My short term goal is going to have to be to take one day at a time.  To re-learn being content.  To forgive myself and understand that I am probably not alone in this.  Today I take back control of myself and the best way I know how to start that is by cleaning, top to bottom.  Pulling out furniture to dust the trim and vacuum where is used to sit.  To clean up the cobwebs literally and figuratively.  Today the Theisen's retake the day.

Good-bye guilt, hello grace.

Good-bye monotony, hello mercy.