It's a love story, baby just say YES.

Valentine's day has me feeling mushy.  Mushier than usual which is really saying something.  I woke up super happy, ready to face the day and looking forward to whatever it brought.  It brought goodness in the form of a health fair that allowed me to interact with willing patients and in between each one I had a nice break to pick up my book and read away.  They asked me about my kids, I willingly and happily presented them with pictures and they agreed that indeed I have a few things to love on this the day of love.

I love this place we are in right now.  Right in the middle of content and headed to look and see what comes.  It's all about the present, smiling at the past and not worrying or wondering about the future.  I am no longer worried about having babies.  I worried for a year before we became pregnant with Riley and for over a year before we got pregnant with Lyssi lu lu.  It was not fun always having getting pregnant on the back of my mind and now I am just reveling in the goodness that is 2 babies (or not so much babies) and everything they are, filling my day with diapers and dinner fights.  It's not always pretty and it's not always easy but it's mine.

I have a husband who makes marriage so dang easy.  Seriously easy.  After just over 10.5 years together we love, we hug, we kiss goodnight and we call each other numerous times each day.  We talk, we laugh, we sleep and we do it all over again.  I am a lucky lady.  So lucky that I finally joined the ranks of the 21st century with a smartphone.  Be.like.whoa.  D is happy to have me off of his and I am loving everything about it.  Plus I am way less teased about my pre-historic purple toilet phone who lasted a few years too long.  Toilet only because Riley dropped it in there and it spent 3 days in a bag of rice heroically turning on after the hiatus and working once again.  Best v-day present for me was getting the whole house's carpet cleaned. I walked in today and was in awe at how fresh and perky the carpet looked.  Like before the dog matted it all down with his long lazy naps and before 2 babies puked and drooled all over it.  It's purdy and clean.

Love is all about the here and now today.  So here is my two children who have a hard time sitting still for anything these days and this is the best I could do.  Cute idea but way hard to execute.  I get to spend all weekend with these two little loves sans Daddy and I am excited.  It presents the challenges of tiredness and exhaustion but it begs for fun and adventure.  By adventure I mean glow-in-the-dark-hide-and-go-seek and a playdate but for me on my own that is adventurous!

Sister is tired of pics, not nearly as tired as I am after this little session though!

Happy Valentine's Day and may we all find ways to be more lovey dovey everyday!

She's 1!

Whew, has it really been so long since I have posted?!  Can you tell that this preparing for a one-year-old girl has become all consuming for me!?

Enough with the pseudo questions and onto the fun.

Our girl is 1 tomorrow.  One years old.  I don't even really know what to say except that you probably already know that I always have something to say and usually tears to cry.  This is no exception.  I have been living, breathing, sleeping, dreaming, all things one-years-old for the last 2-3 weeks.  I have been consumed and obsessed with making everything just perfect.  I have not taken a picture in the last 2 weeks because it's been busy around here preparing and creating.  I finally finished up with the fabric letters, the pennant banner, the skirts (in all fairness I didn't make the tulle tutu), the invites and most importantly with the presents and the cake, neither of which I made.

I went back and forth between a retro kitchen, a dollhouse, a doll with stroller and crib and finally settled on the doll, stroller and high chair.  Seriously, the cuteness just never stops when your baby girl picks up a baby kisses it and then throws it into the pink stroller and walks (she actually looks like she is running) around the living room.  Girlfriend went from 0-60 on the walking thing and she appears to be rather obsessed with walking behind anything even turning stationary toys like her stand and play table into a walker.  And watch out cause she is fast and probably going to take a tumble soon but so far is very graceful in her falls and always lands gently and very lady-like.

But I digress.

What does it mean to be staring this birthday in the face tonight.  Well, for starters I have been sobbing on and off for the last few weeks.  I will come across a newborn picture of her and just start bawling.  I think of our year together and the quickness with which it came and went and start bawling again.  I usually do this alone and take pride in the fact that the water works haven't appeared in front of anyone yet but tomorrow might be a different story.  It's not that I am sad that she is growing up because it's exciting.  She gives kisses now and claps when things are done right, she signs all done (she is a bit lazy with the signing thing) and eats like a champ laughing and clapping the whole time.  At the same time I am sad because this one beautiful child will never be a baby again.  She is my baby and in the matter of 12 hours she really is not a baby anymore and that makes me sad.

On the other hand I am crazy excited because this girl of ours is tenacious and vibrant and her little personality shines through more and more everyday.  It's really a celebration of surviving the 1st year with 2 kids.  We came, we saw, we conquered, or not so much.  It is an accomplishment and the older she gets, the busier and more work the 2 of them together are.

I see pink kitchens and doll furniture in my future and it is so much fun to imagine.

This last weekend the girls hit the town.  My Auntie Jean, her friend (the lady in the log cabin), my sister, my cousin, Lyssi Lu and I went shopping in small town America and we came up big.  It was an early morning since we had to be out the door by 7:40 and it was a bit of a drive but it was so worth it.  We sipped real coffee in what was the most beautiful and perfectly decorated log cabin while we chatted with one of Auntie's best friends.  She was welcoming, fun and energetic and we hit the stores with gusto as we walked in and out many doors, oohing and ahhing at little things here and there.  Making purchases and finally ended up at yet another coffee shop to sit and chat about how much fun it all was.  My girl was a shopping professional.  She never whined, never cried, never so much as made a squeak as the day grew long and a nap was missed.  She is a bona fide tiny shopper and we had a blast together.  I smiled all night long as I looked over at her and realized again that she is indeed mine, forever and ever,  okay I might need to readjust my thinking in a few years.  Derrick was talking to her as he dressed her that early morning and he told her that Mommy was taking her shopping and he said that her eyes lit up and she was seriously excited.  I love that.  I love her.  I love this Mom/Daughter thing.

So tomorrow is a celebration as much for us as for her.  It's a long look down memory lane remembering that at 40 weeks she was still holding ranks on the inside and not showing signs of releasing the control.  It is remembering seeing her and holding her for the first time.  7.5 lbs of the most perfect newborn-ness (not a word, deal) baby girl we had ever seen.  Her lips were perfectly formed, her eyes a clear blue and her hair was well kind of like an olds mans but cute.  She loved to be held, she smiled all the time sleeping or awake and she grew up from the newborn-ness way too fast.

Happy Birthday Alyssa my Lu.  I love you so much it hurts, it actually does.  I have always felt my heart break during intense pain or happiness and she is again no exception.  I can feel my lungs tighten and my heart beats irregularly and I can really feel my heart break and I am just thankful it's over happiness and not heartache.

A peeksy at Lyssi Lu: 12 months

*Size 3 diapers.
*9-12 month old clothing.
*4 teeth still, but 2 are just starting to push there way up.
*Height and weight coming on Monday.
*Drinking her breakfast and bedtime snack of 6 ozs of formula but for lunch and din din it's on with anything from banana's, carrots, peas, green beans, cheese, chicken, celery, spaghetti, mac and cheese, basically you name it she will eat it.  We also just started whole milk this week and sista loves it!
*She is a fast little crawler, walking along furniture and starting to stand up for a good minute+ at a time before trust falling into us.
*She goes to bed usually by 7:30 but her schedule has been a bit dicey these last few weeks and it's either the teething, the cold or the all consuming walking trick that has her staying up later a few nights here and there.
*She still takes her morning and afternoon nap and when she doesn't get that afternoon nap sister is out of her mind tired by 6:45 and it is not advisable to try and hold off the bedtime bottle til 7:00, just sayin.
*She gives high fives and kisses, she is a lover.
*She yells at Riley when he takes something from her and that surprises him every time.  He thinks he should get away with it because he's big and she's a baby but girlfriend screams at him and occasionally throws an arm out connecting a few times hopefully causing him to think twice about being the bully.
*She is a good cleaner-upper.  She loves to put toys away and then clap and then take them out and then put them back and then clap some more and well that's what we do most nights.
*She loves dogs and points them out all the time and she also loves deer heads.  She seriously gets so excited when she goes to cabella's.
*She is counting to 10 and we are going to think about potty training soon.  Okay, just kidding, it's late and I am tired so onto the pictures.

First memory lane and then sweaty city.  By sweaty I mean-holy crap it's alot of work to take pictures of your own kids at age 1.  She had me sweating up a storm and I am really out of practice with the old cam so be kind and understand that there will be a re-shoot when I forget how hard the first shoot was!

A day in the life

I have been meaning to get around to these photos for awhile and finally did.  This was one sick day I could get used to.  If there is any regret in my life it is that I was meant to be a pre-k teacher.  Spending the morning with these 3 year old was pure bliss.  The excitement, concentration, hugs and happiness that flowed easily around the room was infectious.  Riley was pretty proud that I was one of the helpers for the day and I was pretty proud to be taking it all in at a different vantage point 25 years later.  We are so lucky to have Mt. Olive Christian Preschool still be up and running 30 years later and these are some of the best teachers and aide's you will ever have the privilege of leaving your children with.

Show and Tell...this boy loves him some nature books!

Monotony madness

Stream of consciousness, vulnerability style.

Now that the Christmas season is behind us I am in a funk.  The mundane everyday life has brought with it a funk.  A funk that says "here we go again."  Wake up, go to work, get home, pick up kids, play in the living room, search for dinner, pj's and baths, brushing/flossing, books, bottles and finally bedtime for all and then we start over and do it all over again.  It's counting down the days til the weekend only to realize that there really is nothing relaxing about the weekend anymore.  It is recognizing that the only time that I make an effort to do something for myself is usually when I chose to go to bed right after Riley and then the realization follows that going to bed early means nothing gets done.  It is getting so consumed with routine that you lose the spontaneity to smile about the hiccups and go with the flow.

It's dreading the same monotony and feeling like a failure that has me fading into the background and not caring about a messy house or the fact that the laundry is still in the basket patiently waiting 2 weeks later to be ironed.  It's taking off the sheets to be washed and then wanting to sleep on the couch just to avoid putting them back on.  Whatever the "it" is, it is sucking out my energy and taking with it the happiness that has always been found in the mundane.  "It" needs to change.

The cold seems to be back and our little escapes outside to take walks and play at the park are over so I need to find a way to bring the JOY back even if we are stuck inside.  I need to find a way to bring organization back so I feel less like a lazy failure of a Mother and more like one that has it almost (ha!) all figured out.

 We dropped my sister off at the bar on Friday and I was struck by how happy I was that those days for me were over.  I was so happy to be going home with my little one's, to snuggle up and read bedtime books before turning off the lights with "i love you's and sleep tights."

The next night I was struck with how badly I wanted to go to the bar and sit on a stool, watching the big games on the screens and being drowned out by the roars of the cheering and jeering.  I just wanted to take off and go.  I didn't want to call for a sitter, set out pj's, write up notes for bedtime routines or worry about being awoken by crib kicks and the crinkling of a pull-up walking in to say goodmorning.  Then the guilt of that fantasy took over and I was feeling just miserable.  What kind of a Mom wishes she had no responsibility because there is a football game she wants to watch?

I think it's a combination of my strong desire as of late to be home full-time with the kids, failing to get all those Christmas activities I had planned crossed off the list and just being worn down and inactive from over-eating for weeks and not being happy with my weight. We Mother's can always find failure in ourselves so easily and the guilt nearly knocks me out as it stares me down.


Enough is enough. I will not let the monotony bring me down any longer. It is time to get active, get involved, get organized. It is time to stop delaying and just do it. I am going to make it a point to wake up and thank God for something new everyday. I am going to make it a point to brighten someone's day everyday. I am going to make it a point to do something special everyday. There is adventure and excitement to be found, I am just going to have to start opening my eyes to the beauty of it.

So even though I am right where I want/need to be there needs to be a balance between the mundane and the exciting.  There needs to be structure and flexibility.  There needs to be give and take and then more give and take to cover.  I am going to throw away the guilt (at least for a few hours) and just trust in my abilities to mother.

My short term goal is going to have to be to take one day at a time.  To re-learn being content.  To forgive myself and understand that I am probably not alone in this.  Today I take back control of myself and the best way I know how to start that is by cleaning, top to bottom.  Pulling out furniture to dust the trim and vacuum where is used to sit.  To clean up the cobwebs literally and figuratively.  Today the Theisen's retake the day.

Good-bye guilt, hello grace.

Good-bye monotony, hello mercy.