Dear Riley, Part Deux

Everyone says it and everyone looks for it...where did the time go?

I remember distinctly marking the day the madness would begin-the last day school was in session in spring.  Ben our little neighbor was over and even though it was finally nice out, you asked if you could just come in and watch a little movie.  I obliged and marked the moment as the day the quiet would end.  In some ways the quiet did end.  Kids once again ruled the road.  You realized your best friend was home everyday and you never wanted to slow down for your mom or your tummy.  Every moment was spent asking if you could go play and trust me, it made my job somewhat easier but sometimes I just wanted to hoard you and remind you that we used to have all kinds of fun together too.  

You growing up on me has been a difficult change.  It's been fun to watch but looking back makes me miss it so.  I have slowly been replaced by friends and yes, you still need your mama but not like you did even a year ago.  It's good but it's change and change has never been particularly easy on me.  Before you had friends you had me and a tiny little Lu.  We walked to a different park every night and we explored ponds and trails as if it was a new adventure.  We spent every moment together and I (and Daddy) was your best friend.  The days were LONG, clearly the years were short.

I expect alot out of you, probably because you have always been such a good kid, a great listener, a caring soul, a respectful and thoughtful little boy.  You really have made parenting so very easy.  You have a special light and energy and we've seen it bloom and explode in epic proportions this last year.  You are social and creative and you like to be around people and engage.  You say "hi" to all the neighbors and you frequently ask if we can have people over.  You have moved over so Alyssa can scoot in right, I mean, right next to me.  You have relinquished the spot on my lap and given it over to her.  It was so gradual that I hardly even noticed it happening and now it's almost too late.  Between your growth spurt and my belly's you don't fit on my lap anymore.  And I regret that.  I miss that.  I understand it but...

In February we visited Twin Lakes together.  You listened very carefully as they explained and talked about sending your child before they are ready to go to kindergarten.  You thoughtfully told me afterwards, "I think I should take that extra year."  I laughed about it and explained that this was "your" year and that we didn't have a choice, next fall you had to start school.  The more I thought about your statement though the more sad I got.  It was really the end of your innocent, no pressures, no worries era.  It was the end of getting upset over spilled milk and worrying about if your friends were playing nicely and not teaching you naughty words.  It was watching you trying to figure out what being a friend was and then striving to fit and mold yourself into being that "friend".  It was everything I never wanted for you and still knew had to come to fruition. It's been a year of learning for both of us.  We have stretched out just a bit from the hovering parenting to the parents that sit at the edge of the yard and strain to hear anything we can pick up.  Mostly, we have said you have to stay in our yard or Aaron's and Ben's yard because honestly the hovering is just too comfortable to let go of just yet.

I'm just not at all ready for this next step.  I know in my heart it will be fine in just a few short weeks but the anticipation and numerous questions that pop into my head at all hours of the night have made it difficult to sleep.  I know you will like it and it breaks our hearts that you have some trepidation over tomorrow morning.  Dude, if you aren't a bit nervous, you are doing it wrong.  I was always a bit nervous and excited even when I was going into another year at the same tiny private school with pretty much the same 10-12 friends I had since 1st grade.  Life isn't easy and these baby steps into independence are necessary and good for growth but know without a doubt that I would keep you sheltered up all cozy and snug at 9101 168th Ave NW for much longer if I could.  I think it's easy to say that this is much harder on your Dad and me than it is you.

My sweet, mirror image of myself...we love you to the moon and back and we will always be there for you and be the softest landing you can find.  We will think of you non-stop in the next few days and probably much longer than that.  We will relish you getting of the bus and back into our house if only for a few minutes before you want to play the fall away.

Riley, we are so very proud of you.  Remember who you are becoming already, kind, gentle, creative, fun, energetic.  When life hurts you, share it with me, I will hurt with you.  Don't ever forget that you are never too big to sit on my lap.  You are the oldest, don't be pushed around.  You make good (mostly good for 6 ;)) decisions, don't let that waver.  And please, eat your lunch fast so I don't have to worry about your tummy rumbling all afternoon when you only have a mere 20 minutes to sit down and eat.  Seek out quiet students and be their friend.

In these last few weeks I have been on edge almost constantly.  The anxiety of Kindergarten has gotten to us all.  I had to slip into the shower last week because the tears kept running down my face and I didn't want the kids to notice.  I sobbed and sobbed and looked terrible when I finally got out.  I must look pathetic on a regular basis because they didn't notice ;).  Thank goodness I am not in this boat alone and that the texts come in at just the right time about how much this sucks and that we can always homeschool if any of us hates this transition too much!  You will see me cry and it's okay, tears aren't anything to be ashamed of.  It's mostly because I am so proud of you and have enjoyed so much of the last 6 years together.  It's also because I have some serious hormones going on and I can so clearly remember holding you for the first time as you looked up intently at Daddy right after you were delivered.  You hardly cried, you just stared and we stared.  I have had these songs stuck in my head for days and these are my honest wishes for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4NS7gChzvk


"My Wish"  Rascal Flatts
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

It's a...

Whew, it feels so surreal to be here at almost 21 weeks!  This pregnancy has just flown by, extremely easy and carefree in regards to the new baby.  I hadn't been at all anxious to know if it was a boy or a girl up until last week when I could hardly wait for this morning.  My heart and head have undergone a complete transformation and I switched from expecting/wanting a boy to wanting a sister bond for my girl.  I thought alot of my own sister and how lucky I am to have her and now her little Jax.  Jax is hers but I love him like he was my own because she's my little sister barely 2 years behind me.  I wanted a best friend for my daughter that was homegrown in love and loyalty.  I still had a small hunch it was a boy but I felt in my bones it probably wasn't going to be so.

We got all set up in the ultrasound room and the first picture that appeared was baby #3 spread eagle and I knew immediately that it was a girl!  She was letting us know loud and clear that she was indeed a "she" and not to mistake that!  Had we said we didn't want to know it would have been impossible to miss.  It was hilarious and I panicked for a sec thinking forward to the teenage years with 2 girls but after that we were so very excited!  We saw her give a big old yawn and then bring her tiny hand up to her face for comfort.  She was so cooperative with all the pictures except for the spine so I have to go back at my 28 week appt for one more ultrasound...bummer :).  Just watching her move around in there and stretching her tiny muscles was an absolute joy.  What a gift to just be still in awe and wonder.  Will she have blonde hair?  Brown hair?  Red?  HA!  We are so excited to see her and touch her and see who she resembles!

sorry for the terrible cell pic of a pic but since moving I have no idea what we did with the scanner!

A boy for Riley would have been great but they would have more than 6 years apart in age and Alyssa is in desperate need of more estrogen in the house with an all boy brother as her influence for the last 3 years!

I went up to the garage attic and rifled through Alyssa's newborn clothes the last few weeks and I desperately wanted to use those again.  Those soft pink sleepers and delicate dresses that my Lu graced for just a short time were needing to be worn again.  I think of our girls sharing a bedroom like my sister and I did and I dream of their budding friendship, dress-up dates and tea parties for two!

Following this appt I have been on cloud 9.  It feels so good to put a "face" to the baby rolling around in there and kicking me good and hard when my early alarm goes off.  She is the one that gets up with me and kicks me to keep me awake for those first very early hours.  She is the one that has slowly but surely put my heart on notice to come together and look forward to the future.  We just want to hold her so badly now and this pregnancy has finally gotten real for both of us.  She is our tiny miracle weighing in at 13 ozs currently.

I'm currently typing with 3 very loud boys playing guns and war behind me meanwhile my daughter is desperately trying to find a foothold with a princess dress on and bangles galore.  She is pleading to stay "alive" and trying to find anyone to pay attention to her femininity.  Poor girl, I cannot wait until Daddy gets home tonight so we can break the news.

Neither has asked me yet what we are having, they are too young, wrapped up in themselves to remember that today was the day.  I imagine Riley will be a little crushed but we talked about it at bedtime the last few nights and I think I have him prepared to be the little man of the house that will be the protector for two precious, pretty girls.

Our all boy starts baseball (coaches pitch) on Monday and our sweet girl starts dance in a few weeks.  This summer is going to fly by and I cannot wait!

Hurry up and keep waiting...

It's very funny how time moves these days.  One day spreads into the next and I marvel at how fast they go and then collectively how slow they go.  I never really escape that time is ticking and ticking time means the 2-5 year window with my Mom is slowing but surely moving towards whatever it is this disease means for her.

I have been reflecting on November and December of last year after finding out.  I don't know if I can ever explain the pain pool I swam in for those 7 dark weeks.  I will never forget the Thursday night after we found out.  Derrick was going to drive me to the office so I could get my team ready for Friday without me and we drove by my neighbors house with a bunch of women in the driveway, laughing and saying goodbye.  I was struck by how just a few hours earlier that could have been me.  There were so many days and nights where all I could do was sob and hit the ground just repeating the same word over and over again.  I remember not being able to sit or stand to sob.  My body just could literally not hold that kind of pain.  I would have to get down and curl up and just let it flow.  How does life take such a jagged and unexpected exit and how do we go about living life even when pain and sorrow are so closely held also?

It's been a learning process.  Each day is easier seen as just that...a new day.  Most are chaotic and messy.  Some are spectacular and some are just a day to get through.  I thought about staying home with my kids many times over the last 5 years.  When I was pushed towards it during the darkest time in my life I went into it with very skewed priorities and a certain set of outcomes.  My priorities at the time were to just keep breathing steady.  At the same time I assumed I was going to be supermom.  I was going to spend everyday being the Mom I always wanted to be.  Lunches thoughtfully made, homework and housecleaning always done on time.  Time for learning in the home and growing up little ambitions carried out each day.  What I set myself up for was utter and complete failure.

I recently lost it.  Riley had school all day a few Tuesdays ago and after a springbreak I never though twice about checking his folders for what he needed.  I met Derrick at school to assume parenting roles while he continued to work and I was so blindsided when other kids were excitedly pulling out there "24 things".  Riley looked just broken and he walked into his classroom, shoulders slumped, defeated.  I piled Alyssa into my truck, took off for a midwife appt and cried all the way to St Louis Park.  I cursed and kicked myself for being so stupid.  Why in 10 days did I not check his bag and write a reminder on the fridge?  Why did I have to get out of bed at 9:30 the evening before because once again I forgot to make his lunch?  Why the hell could I not get this once a week school thing down?  And the kicker, I have one in a seat behind me and one in my belly that were in line for such a failure of a Mom.  I ugly cried and Alyssa, being the sweet little thing she is, only asked once if I was okay and then just thoughtfully looked out the window.

It was not the 24 things that broke me.  It was my perceptions and expectations that failed me.  So that day after getting up at 3:15 a.m. and running around for 5 hours before meeting at church to exchange the kids.  We drove to SLP, back home, packed up Riley's 24 things, drove to church and hung out in his class since by that time it was 12:45 and he was done in 2 hours.  I was going to make up for it big time.  We walked in and my son said, "What are you doing here?"  Ha, he had completely forgotten about his 24 things and when the presentation of 24 things happened he was only 1 of 5 that had them. He enjoyed it and it was fun but not exactly the paramount of projects I had built up in my minds eye.  We finally came home and I sat down for 2 hours only to turn around and go to clean.  It broke me.  The whole day was just one miserably, long, exhausting day.

It was the turning point for me also.  I realized that there is too much time to criticize myself now.  I have too much time to realize my failures and shortcomings and grief.  Before I was working FT and we had a schedule.  I knew I would get done working, get my children, come home for naps and wake up refreshed and excited to spend time with them.  I would have 1 thing in mind that I wanted to do together and we rarely screwed that up.  It wasn't always cotton candy and balloons but we had it down pretty darn well and it was the norm for the last 3 years.

What I have come to finally realize and still struggle with is there is a part of my heart that is in constant sorrow.  I have to acknowledge it and find away to live with it while still living, however unprepared and messy it might be.

This baby that is growing inside of me was for many weeks a crutch.  I was learning to take one day at a time and it was throwing me into the future and what it will look like.  I was disconnected from Him and almost resentful.  Instead of thinking about the gift of life and concentrating on the good, I was concentrating on how God was probably opening a window just as he was ready to close a door in my life.  I was consumed with if my Mom would even be able to hold this baby.  I would find hope in a treatment only to be reminded that it was a bandaid not a cure.  Living in excitement for the future was how my first two babies were, this one was a new norm.  I dare not to look ahead because my family is so intertwined in my everyday and my future but how do you do that with new life expanding and growing right underneath that damaged heart?

I recently went to a play with my Mom and I was struck by how weird it was so be out of the house with no children at my heels.  It has always and will always make me sad, even when I know I needed the break and was probably not too graceful about excepting it.  I went to the bathroom and I felt the new baby moving around and I thought "so this is mercy".  This is God reminding me that throughout the depths of sadness and failures I come face to face with, this new life will be there to remind me that I am not in control and will never be.  It was equally debilitating and renewing.  This baby might be the bandaid that covers my damaged, broken heart.  I would never have chose that this new life possibly replace my Mothers but Someone greater than me realized that without it I might not have survived.  It's equal parts accepting the grace and gift in this baby and realizing that life keeps on drumming out no matter what.  It's the hardest and most difficult lesson I assume I will struggle with for the remainder of our time intertwined together.  I very specifically asked that God help me and take some of that pain away.  Now I need to accept that answer.

I finally saw this new baby and I thought that would make it real but it didn't.  I still find it hard to wrap my head around this as with ALS, but I am excited.  I feel the baby moving, I have seen my stomach warped as it moves and my heart skips around when I hear it's heartbeat at home with the doppler.  Just because I wept and prayed and pleaded with Him over my first two, I think this was just hard to accept.    I can realize that and stop beating myself for being so resentful and so confused about this, #3.  I do love #3 so, it's just a learning process about growing and patience and being completely out of control.

I have had this stewing on my heart for so long.  Putting my deepest fears and resentments out there so I could clear away for the happy and good.  I feel that now.  I never re-read what I write it's just alot of verbal diarrhea.  I feel clean and empty now and that's what I needed.  The post that took a month to write is finally out there and I can pick up the pieces.  It's been a difficult start to this pregnancy.  Not in the physical way.  It makes me feel very vulnerable and dirty to admit that but there it is.

And here He is...we refer to it as He, not sure if that's what we really want or what we perceive would be easiest but Alyssa was a "he" until 20 weeks also so again, here He is.  My most difficult learning process in life thus far.  My grace and mercy, growing inches below my heart.

Life these days on the home front are filled with uncertainties regarding my Mom.  We have prayerfully considered Bejing, Israel, clinical trials here in the US and stem cell therapies in CA.  There is no right/wrong answer.  There is no cure.  My Mom admitted to us that her right hand is showing signs of the ALS.  She has terrible abdominal cramping from ALS.  My Dad is retiring soon and it should be joyous and a triumph but the reality is that he needs to be home for her and they need to enjoy each day as tomorrow could be ugly.  She has an appt at the Mayo on April 7th and we anxiously await the medical opinions that come out of it.  So there we are again, hurry up and wait. 

Jillian Michaels failed me or something like that...

It was post Christmas and being the sweet lover that I am I knew it was time to start getting some motivation to lose the 5 lbs (or more!) that November and December always add on to me.  I was confident in Jillian and her 30 day shred to get me well, shredded and back to 125lbs in no time.  I started early, knowing my body was a year older and that it would not be easy.  I was dedicated and even though many days I felt like throwing the towel in I made it to level 2 and was somehow 23 days in.  I knew I felt stronger but my abdomen and energy were in the toilet.  I was utterly exhausted and couldn't believe that choosing "JOY" (see previous post) and working out were only making my energy sink lower and lower.  I thought nothing of it and proceeded to beg my midwife for one more month of birth control so I could make it through vacation before needed to have the yearly checkup we women enjoy so much. ;)  Ha, she kindly obliged and just asked that I take a precautionary pregnancy test before starting them.  You see, we had decided in July to stop the pill and just see where the year took us.  If we got pregnant, yeah, it was meant to be, if we didn't well-yeah, we are blessed with a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.  Come November after the utter devastation that was ALS entering our lives we had a conversation about being done and I started the last 21 days of pills I could find in my cupboard.  I was so depressed and so overwhelmed with life that I could not fathom bringing another life into the mess that was grief and heartache.  I have never been real good at taking the pill and I know I missed a night or two but after struggling to conceive both kids didn't think anything of it.  I even proceeded to bring up the "V" word (vasectomy) in January because why be on hormones if I don't need to be?!  Anyways, I took the test January 29th and I almost hit the floor in shock and awe.  Turns out we are pregnant.  SURPRISE!  Surprise just barely touches the surface of the utter shock I felt.  I had closed the book on that chapter of life.  I was moving forward confidently er not always so confidently but resolving to be confident in the closure.  I had many talks with different friends about it and my response was always the same, "I'm already in over my head, I'm sad to be done but it's for the best and we don't really want to start over now."  And honestly, my sister only has one so I knew at the least one more baby would be in our futures that we could hold and love on and then give back!

After weeks of not really eating, drinking more than I ever have and intentionally ordering drinks at restaurants and stopping to buy wine for consumption after the kids went to bed I was in a total panic about what the heck I had done to this baby.  I was already 8.5 weeks in and had done nothing healthy in regards to myself except for working out.  I had taken no vitamins, was drinking caffeine like my life depended on it and was lucky if I choked in a bite or two of dinner.  All of this was calmly and confidently pushed aside from my midwife who assured me that if the baby was still in there and doing good that I was okay as long as I started making pushes now to get on a healthy track.  I heard the heartbeat yesterday at 10.5 weeks, 150 BPM and strong.  I left with no ultrasound but have my first one March 4th.  We are due to have our third baby September 12th.  Just 10 days after we send our first baby to Kindergarten.

To say this is a sign for us is a given.  Where there is grief and heartache over the future, He says there is joy and excitement for tomorrow.  Where there is pain and regret over how fast time has flied with one child, He says there is still today with that child and even more I am giving you the chance the do it all again.  When you think you have life figured out, He says, NO, I do, rest soundly in my assurance that I am in charge and you will not be given more than you can handle.  This was a direct answer to my prayer of taking away the pain and replacing it with joy.  I have never felt so taken care of before. It amazes me that just weeks ago the future was black and now it's bright.  It's still shocking, I mean we forget sometimes and have to remind ourselves that this is real.  Florida was interesting, I was so excited to do the rides until I remembered, "if you are pregnant, you should not ride".  I was so excited about the seafood, oops, no shellfish well you are pregnant.  I was so excited for margaritas and sunshine until I remembered, no drinking while pregnant.  I almost ordered a margarita until I had a mental head slap that I was, surprise pregnant.  We've told the kids and my family.  Riley is excited, Alyssa got a little weepy but she is onboard and excited to be the little mama come fall.

We think it's a boy but only because we always envisioned one more boy if ever it happened.  If it's a girl or a boy it's an absolute miracle and we'll take it.

I feel at times completely overwhelmed at the thought of three and at the same time so lucky to get to do it all again.  I have honestly loved pregnancy with both kids and giving birth is so fun and such a rush.  Who cares that it hurts a little, it's the best kind of pain when it's all said and done.  We are trying to figure out where we are going to house the little babe and we think Riley will move down to the 3rd level with some persuasion of bunk beds or a built in bed with a fort/desk area underneath.  We've thought about moving Lyssi and Riley in together and I like that idea but I love her room so much and I just don't want to change it already.  Although some of my best memories are sharing a room with my sister and I think they would really like it.  I know after carrying my Lu around that 40 weeks goes by faster and faster each time.  This time it will be during Derrick's very busy season and it will be a challenge but I am hoping after I hit 12 weeks some energy will reappear and I'll feel almost human again.

Life certainly gives you whiplash and when you least expect it.  It's beautiful and painful and always, always you can find joy when you think it's all but lost.  Baby #3 is a testament to that.  Our beautiful reminder that life goes on.

Whew, it feels good to get that out, we have bursting since January 29th, absolutely bursting with this surprise news.  I have never wanted to blurt out pregnancy news before like I have with this one.

I will find some time soon here to type out some thoughts on our vacation.  It was so good and so tiring and so fun.  I have a few ;) pictures to go through and then I want to get it down for memories sake while the emotions and highs are so fresh.

Love and unexpected joys to you today and tomorrow!

Life will look alot differently come this fall than it did last fall!