I remember distinctly marking the day the madness would begin-the last day school was in session in spring. Ben our little neighbor was over and even though it was finally nice out, you asked if you could just come in and watch a little movie. I obliged and marked the moment as the day the quiet would end. In some ways the quiet did end. Kids once again ruled the road. You realized your best friend was home everyday and you never wanted to slow down for your mom or your tummy. Every moment was spent asking if you could go play and trust me, it made my job somewhat easier but sometimes I just wanted to hoard you and remind you that we used to have all kinds of fun together too.
You growing up on me has been a difficult change. It's been fun to watch but looking back makes me miss it so. I have slowly been replaced by friends and yes, you still need your mama but not like you did even a year ago. It's good but it's change and change has never been particularly easy on me. Before you had friends you had me and a tiny little Lu. We walked to a different park every night and we explored ponds and trails as if it was a new adventure. We spent every moment together and I (and Daddy) was your best friend. The days were LONG, clearly the years were short.
I expect alot out of you, probably because you have always been such a good kid, a great listener, a caring soul, a respectful and thoughtful little boy. You really have made parenting so very easy. You have a special light and energy and we've seen it bloom and explode in epic proportions this last year. You are social and creative and you like to be around people and engage. You say "hi" to all the neighbors and you frequently ask if we can have people over. You have moved over so Alyssa can scoot in right, I mean, right next to me. You have relinquished the spot on my lap and given it over to her. It was so gradual that I hardly even noticed it happening and now it's almost too late. Between your growth spurt and my belly's you don't fit on my lap anymore. And I regret that. I miss that. I understand it but...
In February we visited Twin Lakes together. You listened very carefully as they explained and talked about sending your child before they are ready to go to kindergarten. You thoughtfully told me afterwards, "I think I should take that extra year." I laughed about it and explained that this was "your" year and that we didn't have a choice, next fall you had to start school. The more I thought about your statement though the more sad I got. It was really the end of your innocent, no pressures, no worries era. It was the end of getting upset over spilled milk and worrying about if your friends were playing nicely and not teaching you naughty words. It was watching you trying to figure out what being a friend was and then striving to fit and mold yourself into being that "friend". It was everything I never wanted for you and still knew had to come to fruition. It's been a year of learning for both of us. We have stretched out just a bit from the hovering parenting to the parents that sit at the edge of the yard and strain to hear anything we can pick up. Mostly, we have said you have to stay in our yard or Aaron's and Ben's yard because honestly the hovering is just too comfortable to let go of just yet.
I'm just not at all ready for this next step. I know in my heart it will be fine in just a few short weeks but the anticipation and numerous questions that pop into my head at all hours of the night have made it difficult to sleep. I know you will like it and it breaks our hearts that you have some trepidation over tomorrow morning. Dude, if you aren't a bit nervous, you are doing it wrong. I was always a bit nervous and excited even when I was going into another year at the same tiny private school with pretty much the same 10-12 friends I had since 1st grade. Life isn't easy and these baby steps into independence are necessary and good for growth but know without a doubt that I would keep you sheltered up all cozy and snug at 9101 168th Ave NW for much longer if I could. I think it's easy to say that this is much harder on your Dad and me than it is you.
My sweet, mirror image of myself...we love you to the moon and back and we will always be there for you and be the softest landing you can find. We will think of you non-stop in the next few days and probably much longer than that. We will relish you getting of the bus and back into our house if only for a few minutes before you want to play the fall away.
Riley, we are so very proud of you. Remember who you are becoming already, kind, gentle, creative, fun, energetic. When life hurts you, share it with me, I will hurt with you. Don't ever forget that you are never too big to sit on my lap. You are the oldest, don't be pushed around. You make good (mostly good for 6 ;)) decisions, don't let that waver. And please, eat your lunch fast so I don't have to worry about your tummy rumbling all afternoon when you only have a mere 20 minutes to sit down and eat. Seek out quiet students and be their friend.
In these last few weeks I have been on edge almost constantly. The anxiety of Kindergarten has gotten to us all. I had to slip into the shower last week because the tears kept running down my face and I didn't want the kids to notice. I sobbed and sobbed and looked terrible when I finally got out. I must look pathetic on a regular basis because they didn't notice ;). Thank goodness I am not in this boat alone and that the texts come in at just the right time about how much this sucks and that we can always homeschool if any of us hates this transition too much! You will see me cry and it's okay, tears aren't anything to be ashamed of. It's mostly because I am so proud of you and have enjoyed so much of the last 6 years together. It's also because I have some serious hormones going on and I can so clearly remember holding you for the first time as you looked up intently at Daddy right after you were delivered. You hardly cried, you just stared and we stared. I have had these songs stuck in my head for days and these are my honest wishes for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4NS7gChzvk
"My Wish" Rascal Flatts
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big
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