Mothers Day delights

Let me preface this by saying that besides Lyssa no one slept much in our house this last week.  Riley was miserably sick with fevers, horrible seal coughing and an endless drip from his little nose which of course seemed to go away with the daylight but reared it's ugly head all night long from Tuesday to Saturday.  Daddy and Riley camped out on the couches which is the only place he seemed to get a little sleep in between incessant coughing.  I quietly snuck out at 4:25 every morning listening to him wheeze and moan. By Saturday night we were on night number five of 2-4 hours of sleep and we were so happy when he made it in his bed past 9:00, then 10:00, then 11:00 and then we were surprisingly awoken by Lyssa who was upset at 12:00 then 1:00, 2:00, 3:30, 5:30 and finally up for the day at 8:30.  She is now sick.  Big surprise.  We haven't had a break from the sick bug for months.  I got it, then D, then Riley and now the poor babe.  Lucky for us she doesn't seem half as bad as the rest of us were but all I wanted for Mother's Day was health and a few extra hugs.

My Mother's Day started on Friday with a client of ours walking in with flowers for everyone.  She had special flowers for me, can you guess which ones?

photo courtesy of: http://www.alphabeticallistofflowers.org/flowers-list-A/Alyssum-flower-meaning.html

Sweet Alyssums.  

It was the most thoughtful and kind gift.  

It continued as we spent a nice day up north with Kathy.  It was cool but sunny out and she was pretty happy we made the trip.

It continued Sunday as I awoke to "Hewwo Mommy, I wove you so much, Happy Mudders day Mommy," from my favorite little guy.  I got to sleep til 8:00.  I had a vanilla white mocha hand delivered hot and yummy from the best husband.  I got a sweet gift from my kids that Riley was so excited to try out.  (It holds rings and necklaces.)  I got a huge breakfast prepared by everyone besides Mom and I of eggs benedict, french toast, crispy bacon, sausages and juice which was the best tasting breakfast ever.  I got a nap with my husband while both of our children finally closed their eyes.  I got to sit back and just breathe in the love.

Last year at this time we didn't know we had a little Lu on the way.  We didn't discover our pregnancy until May 29th when I had my suspicions and ultimately not until May 30th when we took the test together.  I love knowing that my Mother's Day last year was a celebration with 2 children, one tiny microscopic girl was beginning her journey to get to us.

This Mother's Day was not about the gifts or the praise.  It was about togetherness.  No matter how tired we are.  No matter how many colds we get and pass to one another.  No matter how busy we are.  No matter the work stress or the long work days, at the end of the day we kiss and pj two precious children. We brush and floss tiny little teeth.  We read stories and lay in bed together to say prayers.  We sneak final peeks into two rooms before bed and we ask the Lord to watch over and protect both rooms.

I have been a Mommy for nearly 3 years now.  When I look at Riley while I hold Lyssa it brings tears to my eyes.  Not because I am sad but because I remember holding him when he was 3 months old and I can't believe that 3 years has passed.  Because I realize that if I blink Lyssa will be walking around, talking and celebrating yet another birthday.

It's a girls weekend here.  Both of our boys headed up for the fishing opener.  Insert shock here.  I just packed up my baby boy for his first fishing opener.  My almost 3 year old had been talking all things opener for a few days and is now up north with his Nana enjoying some one on one time.  He held a leech, took a boat ride and will hopefully get to touch some big walleyes or crappies.  His new line heading into the weekend was "holy fish bait."  No idea where that came from but when anything surprises him or gets him excited he loudly proclaims "holy fish bait."  If you know our son you know that EVERYTHING about fishing surprises him and gets him excited.  Up north Nana sounded so happy last night when I called as she recounted their Friday together.  She gets to spend 2.5 days with our heart and I was so happy for her.  I miss my boy but alone time with my daughter is glorious.

I have only one child to care for this weekend.  One tiny child.  So far it has been a piece of cake.  I am relishing my time with my Lyssa.  It is so eerie quiet in the house but I am trying to enjoy it and just be still.  We hosted an impromptu girls night with my mom and sister last night to watch a movie and afterwards she fell right asleep and slept till 9:00.  One child is relaxing, peaceful.  One child is enjoying coffee this afternoon with my sister before we head over to a jewelry party.  One child is easy meal prepartion: pour water, mix formula and shake.  One child is eating dinner while it is hot and finishing it without potty breaks or spilled milk.  One child is reading a book while she sits in my lap.  One child is taking a soak in the bathtub and talking girl talk with my daughter.

One child is only half of my story and I miss the other one something fierce but for now...

it is quiet in here and I will enjoy it.  

Happy late Mother's Day.  

Lyssa Lu: 3 months

It has been a whirlwind week since I have been back to work.  How does 3 months feel like it came around so quickly and yet at the same time feel like it has been longer?

Our Little Lu has been an excellent sleeper since her 2 month post.  The next night after typing out and admitting that she had been sleeping in her carseat I put her down all by herself in the crib and she slept like a rockstar.  She is on a great schedule right now and we are pretty happy about it although there is always room for improvement and I am sure this will be short lived as I remember all to well that every new stage with Riley brought on a new and tiresome sleep schedule.

A peek at Lyssa:

You go to be bed around 9:15-9:30.
You wake up at 3:50 looking for a Nuk and although it's probably my ego I insist that you want to get one last peek at your Mama before I leave for the day.
You will sleep until 6:00 ish and have been so kind to your parents and even slept til 9:00 a few Saturdays.
You are wearing size 1 diapers and size 0-3 month clothes.
You are eating every 3-4 hours a good 4 ozs and you request 6 ozs for at least one feeding.
You are such a happy, smiley girl and you beam at us when we look at you.
You love to hold your head up high and scope out a room.
You take in all the details and study everything you see.
You are in LOVE with your brother.  He doesn't have to do anything but walk into a room and can't help but smile and giggle.
You love to watch us do anything.
You have watched me folding clothes, ironing, dusting, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and you are so intent and concentrated that it appears you will be ready to help your Mama out soon.
You LOVE to get undressed and have your diaper changed.  You giggle and smile the entire time.  It's one of my favorite parts of the day.
Your brother has started changing your diaper and getting your pj's on and that is my other favorite part of the day...just laying on your bedroom floor with both my little ones watching the smiles, the secret unspoken exchanges of words through looks, grins and gentle touches...living in the moment and thanking God for this life.
You will pull out your Nuk and stare at it in your hand willing it to go back into your little mouth.  You just haven't mastered that yet but you are aware that your appendages will move at your command your signals just get crossed sending your arms and legs into a fury of kicks.
Your Deuce dog sleeps in your room every night and when Daddy pulled you into bed this morning Deuce was right on his heels sneaking in after Daddy got in the shower.
You draw a crowd.  When I set you on the living room floor within a few minutes the boys will be over, drawn to your giggles and coos.

We love you this much (insert the outstretched arms of our favorite 2 year old) and everyday is a new one with you.

Happy 3 months baby girl!

The more animated you get the more my camera clicks so there is an overload of pics! : )

She loves her girly polka dots!

Studying her precious chub and toesies.  

It is well.

It is well with my heart.

It beats on.

It felt like it was shattering and after countless prayers, tears and encouragement sent my way I have made it through day number 2 at work.

I woke up Monday morning and felt the need to mother so I did the only thing I could, I picked up my sleeping daughter and rocked her.  I filled her bottle with water and set out the pre-measured formula.  I filled up Riley's cup with milk and placed it in the fridge.  I wrote a note to their Daddy and told him how much I need and love him.  I let him know that I cannot do this on my own and that without his endless calm and support I would crumble.  I walked back to my children's room at least 5 times to get one last glimpse of them in their peaceful slumber before I made the short trek to my vehicle.  I got in the truck and felt utterly alone.  I cried softly to myself and I prayed, "Lord, lead me, I cannot do this on my own."  I must have repeated this a hundred times.  I cried when co-workers hugged me and told me how happy it made them to see me.  I cried when they told me how beautiful my children were and how much joy it brings them to see my endless amount of new pictures.

By 6 a.m. my tears were through.  I felt a calm come over me and a peace surround me like I have never felt before.

I surrounded myself with pictures of my sweet babes and I can feel their love when I look at them.  I do not feel alone.  I feel proud.  I feel fulfilled.  I feel happy.  I feel loved.

I stumbled through my first day back trying to remember what the heck I did for a living before I spent 12 magical weeks at home.  It felt kind of like riding a bike after years of no practice.  Eventually my fingers started speeding through the work and I found a rhythm.

I went to lunch and I sat down with goldfish, a Mt Dew and a new book just waiting to be read.  I sat for awhile and just watched the people around me.  I saw a woman crying on her cell as she explained that her husband woke up and had a massive heart attack to the loved one on the other end of the line.  I saw the 'Survivors of a Stroke' group selling hanging baskets for Mother's Day.  I saw a waiting room full of anxious family members waiting to talk to a tech about how their loved one was doing in surgery.  I finally made my way down to my favorite chairs by the fireplace and I was alone.  It was quiet and quite honestly perfect.  I opened up my goldfish and started reading.  I read 3 full, uninterrupted chapters and got completely lost in them.

It was like a breathe of fresh air.

I can still live, work and be a Mommy.  I can read a book happily and not feel guilty about being away from my kids.  I can take the 'me' time and realize that it might even make me a better Mommy.

I have so much to be thankful for, to look forward to and to be happy about.  It all surrounded me, healed my broken heart and carried me effortlessly through the remainder of my day.

I picked up a smiling Riley and and an excited Lyssa from Nana's house and I didn't stop smiling on the drive home.  Riley was so excited that he tried a carrot at lunch and Lyssa talked to me for a good 10 minutes about everything.

We ate dinner as a family and then Daddy took Riley to the batting cages while us girls stayed back to do some ironing.  We turned up the radio and when the ironing was done we danced.  When the boys got back we sat on the couch before bed and we read books.  With our kids sleeping we finished a movie together.

It was perfect.  It was everything I needed.

I can do hard things with help.  I can live for today and not worry about tomorrow.  I can be at work and still be surrounded in love.  My heart doesn't stop when I leave for the day.  It flutters and eventually finds a steady beat.  Life as I know it isn't over it's just another one of the countless new beginnings. 

We were cleaning out the shed and the garage these last few weekends and I found a book from my senior year in high school that asked questions of me like where I thought I would be in 10 years and what I wanted to do with my life.  First off, I graduated nearly 10 years ago this year, wow.  Little did I know that before my senior year was through I would meet my husband : ).  We had fun reading through it but the page that has stuck with me is the page where I talked about wanting to be married, have 4 babies, specifically the first one a boy and just be a Mommy.  I am now a Mommy and I do not lose that part of myself when I leave for work.  I wear it with pride through the bags under my eyes and the extra 5 lbs around my midsection.  When the clock strikes 10:34 tonight I will be having a celebration.  Twelve weeks of getting to hold Alyssa.  On one hand it feels like she has been here forever, on the other it feels like we just delivered her.  Either way today is special. 

I feel a bit like a recovering alcoholic.  One day at a time, celebrating each new day.

Peek-a-boo Lyssa Lu, can you guess how much your Mama loves you?

Broken

Packing up my kids for Nana's house tomorrow feels like I am packing up my heart.  I am shocked at how painful it is and the last few hours I have been shedding tears like Deuce sheds hair.

I have new crisp white clogs for work tomorrow, a new set of grape purple scrubs and a billion butterflies in my stomach as I look ahead to my first day back to reality.

I am a working Mommy.  It does not define me but it is my reality.  I get up at 3:45 and am half way through my day by the time my children are getting to their Nana's daycare.

I will miss my motormouth boy who is so excited to see me in the morning.  I will miss how I have to hand him my deodorant after I put it on so he can pretend to put it on.  I will miss how he tells me how pretty I am as I dress in yet another pair of sweats and put a few quick dabs of concealer on.  I will miss reading him books at naptime and seeing his excited face when he announces "me awake Mommy and me napped weal good."  I will think of him every minute of my 8.5 hours of work.  He will be the last thing I think when I go to sleep tonight and the first thing I think of when I awake.

Last year at this time we didn't even know we were pregnant and now we have a beautiful nearly 12 week old Alyssa to snuggle with.  I carried her for 40.5 weeks, held her in my arms for 11.5 weeks and have to wait to say hello to her until I get home at two tomorrow.  My heart is broken.  She came into this world with her Mama's tears falling on her while I whispered to her my love and today every time I talk to her she is sprinkled with fresh tears of sorrow as I realize that I won't be the one to feed her a morning bottle or pick her up after her morning nap.  She will also be the last thing I think of tonight and the first thing I think in the early morning.  They will be both on my mind nearly every second of my day.

Derrick has been gently drying my tears and telling me how I am their super Mommy and that what I do for our family is so important.  I will be repeating this to myself all day long.  I am a working Mama and I know that even though it is such a fresh wound right now that over time our new 'normal' will get easier and easier.  I also know that even 2.5 years after Riley was born I could still be found with tears in my eyes over how much I missed him when I talked to him on lunch break.

Although I am scared for tomorrow I am filled with an excitement for the future like never before.  I get to come home to two beautiful little babes who fill my heart to the brim.  I am their Mommy and nothing, especially an 8 hour work day can change that.  I get to tuck them in at night and take them to the park to play.  These last 12 weeks have taught me so much about myself and even though I have loved nearly every moment I do not think staying at home full time is a perfect fit for me.  It has been the hardest unpaid work I have ever done and at the same time the most rewarding fun job I have ever undertaken.  I will think about my kids every time I go to the bathroom by myself as I have not actually gone to the bathroom by myself for 12 weeks.  I get to enjoy the benefits of work (money, adult time, money) and still get to have a whole afternoon/evening with just my little family.  I get to use my vacation for fun family days and long relaxing weekends.  I will really like my one hour lunch break to re-focus and enjoy a little me time.  I will get to pick up a real book and read again and even better I am getting a raise the minute I get back since I will be celebrating my 4 year anniversary with Park Nicollet. 

I have so much to be thankful for and the last 12 weeks were a huge gift.  I will cherish every memory and special moment . I have about a thousand pictures to help fill in the sleepless fog that was the present for the first few weeks that will carry me through the day.  I will leave work in a frenzy to get back to my babes who love me whether I work or not.  I am so lucky to know my children are with one of the only people besides D and I who love them as much as we do.  

My heart is in good hands; tiny little baby hands, busy toddler hands and the hands of my husband who is my rock.  

To my sweet children:  I love you so much it hurts.  I will miss you every second of everyday.  I will think of you with a smile on my face and a tear on my cheek.  You make me ridiculously happy and I cannot wait to watch you continue to grow.  Riley, you have been my comic relief the last 12 weeks.  I am so proud of how you adjusted to life with a new sister and you have kept me on my toes, literally every second of everyday.  Alyssa, I would spend many more nights up with you.  You have given me a new reason to smile everyday and I cannot believe it was just 12 weeks ago that your Daddy and I were impatiently awaiting your arrival.  You are my breath of fresh air and I love what you have brought to our life.  One child was wonderful, two feels like family.  

I am a working Mommy and that is only one small piece of who I am.