I have new crisp white clogs for work tomorrow, a new set of grape purple scrubs and a billion butterflies in my stomach as I look ahead to my first day back to reality.
I am a working Mommy. It does not define me but it is my reality. I get up at 3:45 and am half way through my day by the time my children are getting to their Nana's daycare.
I will miss my motormouth boy who is so excited to see me in the morning. I will miss how I have to hand him my deodorant after I put it on so he can pretend to put it on. I will miss how he tells me how pretty I am as I dress in yet another pair of sweats and put a few quick dabs of concealer on. I will miss reading him books at naptime and seeing his excited face when he announces "me awake Mommy and me napped weal good." I will think of him every minute of my 8.5 hours of work. He will be the last thing I think when I go to sleep tonight and the first thing I think of when I awake.
Last year at this time we didn't even know we were pregnant and now we have a beautiful nearly 12 week old Alyssa to snuggle with. I carried her for 40.5 weeks, held her in my arms for 11.5 weeks and have to wait to say hello to her until I get home at two tomorrow. My heart is broken. She came into this world with her Mama's tears falling on her while I whispered to her my love and today every time I talk to her she is sprinkled with fresh tears of sorrow as I realize that I won't be the one to feed her a morning bottle or pick her up after her morning nap. She will also be the last thing I think of tonight and the first thing I think in the early morning. They will be both on my mind nearly every second of my day.
Derrick has been gently drying my tears and telling me how I am their super Mommy and that what I do for our family is so important. I will be repeating this to myself all day long. I am a working Mama and I know that even though it is such a fresh wound right now that over time our new 'normal' will get easier and easier. I also know that even 2.5 years after Riley was born I could still be found with tears in my eyes over how much I missed him when I talked to him on lunch break.
Although I am scared for tomorrow I am filled with an excitement for the future like never before. I get to come home to two beautiful little babes who fill my heart to the brim. I am their Mommy and nothing, especially an 8 hour work day can change that. I get to tuck them in at night and take them to the park to play. These last 12 weeks have taught me so much about myself and even though I have loved nearly every moment I do not think staying at home full time is a perfect fit for me. It has been the hardest unpaid work I have ever done and at the same time the most rewarding fun job I have ever undertaken. I will think about my kids every time I go to the bathroom by myself as I have not actually gone to the bathroom by myself for 12 weeks. I get to enjoy the benefits of work (money, adult time, money) and still get to have a whole afternoon/evening with just my little family. I get to use my vacation for fun family days and long relaxing weekends. I will really like my one hour lunch break to re-focus and enjoy a little me time. I will get to pick up a real book and read again and even better I am getting a raise the minute I get back since I will be celebrating my 4 year anniversary with Park Nicollet.
I have so much to be thankful for and the last 12 weeks were a huge gift. I will cherish every memory and special moment . I have about a thousand pictures to help fill in the sleepless fog that was the present for the first few weeks that will carry me through the day. I will leave work in a frenzy to get back to my babes who love me whether I work or not. I am so lucky to know my children are with one of the only people besides D and I who love them as much as we do.
My heart is in good hands; tiny little baby hands, busy toddler hands and the hands of my husband who is my rock.
To my sweet children: I love you so much it hurts. I will miss you every second of everyday. I will think of you with a smile on my face and a tear on my cheek. You make me ridiculously happy and I cannot wait to watch you continue to grow. Riley, you have been my comic relief the last 12 weeks. I am so proud of how you adjusted to life with a new sister and you have kept me on my toes, literally every second of everyday. Alyssa, I would spend many more nights up with you. You have given me a new reason to smile everyday and I cannot believe it was just 12 weeks ago that your Daddy and I were impatiently awaiting your arrival. You are my breath of fresh air and I love what you have brought to our life. One child was wonderful, two feels like family.
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