It is well.

It is well with my heart.

It beats on.

It felt like it was shattering and after countless prayers, tears and encouragement sent my way I have made it through day number 2 at work.

I woke up Monday morning and felt the need to mother so I did the only thing I could, I picked up my sleeping daughter and rocked her.  I filled her bottle with water and set out the pre-measured formula.  I filled up Riley's cup with milk and placed it in the fridge.  I wrote a note to their Daddy and told him how much I need and love him.  I let him know that I cannot do this on my own and that without his endless calm and support I would crumble.  I walked back to my children's room at least 5 times to get one last glimpse of them in their peaceful slumber before I made the short trek to my vehicle.  I got in the truck and felt utterly alone.  I cried softly to myself and I prayed, "Lord, lead me, I cannot do this on my own."  I must have repeated this a hundred times.  I cried when co-workers hugged me and told me how happy it made them to see me.  I cried when they told me how beautiful my children were and how much joy it brings them to see my endless amount of new pictures.

By 6 a.m. my tears were through.  I felt a calm come over me and a peace surround me like I have never felt before.

I surrounded myself with pictures of my sweet babes and I can feel their love when I look at them.  I do not feel alone.  I feel proud.  I feel fulfilled.  I feel happy.  I feel loved.

I stumbled through my first day back trying to remember what the heck I did for a living before I spent 12 magical weeks at home.  It felt kind of like riding a bike after years of no practice.  Eventually my fingers started speeding through the work and I found a rhythm.

I went to lunch and I sat down with goldfish, a Mt Dew and a new book just waiting to be read.  I sat for awhile and just watched the people around me.  I saw a woman crying on her cell as she explained that her husband woke up and had a massive heart attack to the loved one on the other end of the line.  I saw the 'Survivors of a Stroke' group selling hanging baskets for Mother's Day.  I saw a waiting room full of anxious family members waiting to talk to a tech about how their loved one was doing in surgery.  I finally made my way down to my favorite chairs by the fireplace and I was alone.  It was quiet and quite honestly perfect.  I opened up my goldfish and started reading.  I read 3 full, uninterrupted chapters and got completely lost in them.

It was like a breathe of fresh air.

I can still live, work and be a Mommy.  I can read a book happily and not feel guilty about being away from my kids.  I can take the 'me' time and realize that it might even make me a better Mommy.

I have so much to be thankful for, to look forward to and to be happy about.  It all surrounded me, healed my broken heart and carried me effortlessly through the remainder of my day.

I picked up a smiling Riley and and an excited Lyssa from Nana's house and I didn't stop smiling on the drive home.  Riley was so excited that he tried a carrot at lunch and Lyssa talked to me for a good 10 minutes about everything.

We ate dinner as a family and then Daddy took Riley to the batting cages while us girls stayed back to do some ironing.  We turned up the radio and when the ironing was done we danced.  When the boys got back we sat on the couch before bed and we read books.  With our kids sleeping we finished a movie together.

It was perfect.  It was everything I needed.

I can do hard things with help.  I can live for today and not worry about tomorrow.  I can be at work and still be surrounded in love.  My heart doesn't stop when I leave for the day.  It flutters and eventually finds a steady beat.  Life as I know it isn't over it's just another one of the countless new beginnings. 

We were cleaning out the shed and the garage these last few weekends and I found a book from my senior year in high school that asked questions of me like where I thought I would be in 10 years and what I wanted to do with my life.  First off, I graduated nearly 10 years ago this year, wow.  Little did I know that before my senior year was through I would meet my husband : ).  We had fun reading through it but the page that has stuck with me is the page where I talked about wanting to be married, have 4 babies, specifically the first one a boy and just be a Mommy.  I am now a Mommy and I do not lose that part of myself when I leave for work.  I wear it with pride through the bags under my eyes and the extra 5 lbs around my midsection.  When the clock strikes 10:34 tonight I will be having a celebration.  Twelve weeks of getting to hold Alyssa.  On one hand it feels like she has been here forever, on the other it feels like we just delivered her.  Either way today is special. 

I feel a bit like a recovering alcoholic.  One day at a time, celebrating each new day.

Peek-a-boo Lyssa Lu, can you guess how much your Mama loves you?

Broken

Packing up my kids for Nana's house tomorrow feels like I am packing up my heart.  I am shocked at how painful it is and the last few hours I have been shedding tears like Deuce sheds hair.

I have new crisp white clogs for work tomorrow, a new set of grape purple scrubs and a billion butterflies in my stomach as I look ahead to my first day back to reality.

I am a working Mommy.  It does not define me but it is my reality.  I get up at 3:45 and am half way through my day by the time my children are getting to their Nana's daycare.

I will miss my motormouth boy who is so excited to see me in the morning.  I will miss how I have to hand him my deodorant after I put it on so he can pretend to put it on.  I will miss how he tells me how pretty I am as I dress in yet another pair of sweats and put a few quick dabs of concealer on.  I will miss reading him books at naptime and seeing his excited face when he announces "me awake Mommy and me napped weal good."  I will think of him every minute of my 8.5 hours of work.  He will be the last thing I think when I go to sleep tonight and the first thing I think of when I awake.

Last year at this time we didn't even know we were pregnant and now we have a beautiful nearly 12 week old Alyssa to snuggle with.  I carried her for 40.5 weeks, held her in my arms for 11.5 weeks and have to wait to say hello to her until I get home at two tomorrow.  My heart is broken.  She came into this world with her Mama's tears falling on her while I whispered to her my love and today every time I talk to her she is sprinkled with fresh tears of sorrow as I realize that I won't be the one to feed her a morning bottle or pick her up after her morning nap.  She will also be the last thing I think of tonight and the first thing I think in the early morning.  They will be both on my mind nearly every second of my day.

Derrick has been gently drying my tears and telling me how I am their super Mommy and that what I do for our family is so important.  I will be repeating this to myself all day long.  I am a working Mama and I know that even though it is such a fresh wound right now that over time our new 'normal' will get easier and easier.  I also know that even 2.5 years after Riley was born I could still be found with tears in my eyes over how much I missed him when I talked to him on lunch break.

Although I am scared for tomorrow I am filled with an excitement for the future like never before.  I get to come home to two beautiful little babes who fill my heart to the brim.  I am their Mommy and nothing, especially an 8 hour work day can change that.  I get to tuck them in at night and take them to the park to play.  These last 12 weeks have taught me so much about myself and even though I have loved nearly every moment I do not think staying at home full time is a perfect fit for me.  It has been the hardest unpaid work I have ever done and at the same time the most rewarding fun job I have ever undertaken.  I will think about my kids every time I go to the bathroom by myself as I have not actually gone to the bathroom by myself for 12 weeks.  I get to enjoy the benefits of work (money, adult time, money) and still get to have a whole afternoon/evening with just my little family.  I get to use my vacation for fun family days and long relaxing weekends.  I will really like my one hour lunch break to re-focus and enjoy a little me time.  I will get to pick up a real book and read again and even better I am getting a raise the minute I get back since I will be celebrating my 4 year anniversary with Park Nicollet. 

I have so much to be thankful for and the last 12 weeks were a huge gift.  I will cherish every memory and special moment . I have about a thousand pictures to help fill in the sleepless fog that was the present for the first few weeks that will carry me through the day.  I will leave work in a frenzy to get back to my babes who love me whether I work or not.  I am so lucky to know my children are with one of the only people besides D and I who love them as much as we do.  

My heart is in good hands; tiny little baby hands, busy toddler hands and the hands of my husband who is my rock.  

To my sweet children:  I love you so much it hurts.  I will miss you every second of everyday.  I will think of you with a smile on my face and a tear on my cheek.  You make me ridiculously happy and I cannot wait to watch you continue to grow.  Riley, you have been my comic relief the last 12 weeks.  I am so proud of how you adjusted to life with a new sister and you have kept me on my toes, literally every second of everyday.  Alyssa, I would spend many more nights up with you.  You have given me a new reason to smile everyday and I cannot believe it was just 12 weeks ago that your Daddy and I were impatiently awaiting your arrival.  You are my breath of fresh air and I love what you have brought to our life.  One child was wonderful, two feels like family.  

I am a working Mommy and that is only one small piece of who I am.

Growing pains

I signed Riley up for 2 year old school with parents because he was an only child with a stay at home Grandma who provides him daycare.  I wanted him to learn how to play with others, to share and see how to put others first, to have fun exploring and learning about himself along the way.  Most importantly I wanted to continue to nurture his spiritual growth and I look back at the last year completely blown away by the progression of my 2 year old.  The explosion of words, understanding and joy that has resulted from his 2 hours a week on Thursday is remarkable and I owe a huge THANKS and a debt of gratitude to my Mom for taking him for 5 months, to Mrs Penny and Mrs Passe for loving him and being so good with him, to all of the cute kids and their wonderful parents who we attended with and of course to my wonderful daughter for being born and allowing this very proud Mama to finally attend and LOVE everything about 2 year old school.  Thursdays at work were always a little blue for me.  I would sit and wonder what he was doing while he was at school and I would anxiously look through his backpack for the cute artwork and announcements that came home with him.  I was so happy to finally be able to participate and I am now the one experiencing the growing pains.

Today was our last day of school.  I am weepy and teary eyed that my 2 year old is soon to be a 3 year old and that next fall he will be walking into a classroom all by himself.  I am so heartbroken at how much growing up he has done this last year.  It makes me so proud to see him counting to 10, reading to me books that I have always read to him and understanding enough to stop asking the numerous why questions he used to ask incessantly.  I know that the best is yet to be but for now in this moment I sit and think that time has gone entirely too fast.

One of the most humbling moments in Motherhood for me was when he saw that Alyssa was sick with a cold.  He asked me to fold my hands and then continued with "Dear Ward, peese help Lyssa feel better cause Jesus woves Lyssa."  I am thankful that he has an understanding of God and knows that he can take all worries small and big in front of Him.  This is a direct reflection on not only us as parents but also on the caring and loving guidance by his teachers.  He lights up with joy when he sees Mrs Penny or Mrs Passe in church and he runs up to them as fast as his skinny legs will take him to give them big bear hugs.  They always bend down to him and give him their full attention, for this I am thankful.  He is always happy and excited to go to school because of how wonderfully carefree and fun these ladies have made it for all the kids, for this I am thankful.  He has a great Pre-K and Kindergarten school to attend for the next 4 years and for this I am so very thankful.

He/all the kids are so much fun to watch and one of the other Mom's told me last week that Riley is one of the happiest and most smiley kids she has ever seen.  She wondered if he was ever in a bad mood...never ; )  One of the Grandma's to a cute classmate told me that the she can't believe how outgoing and talkative he is compared to where he was back in September.

I am sad to say goodbye to 2 year old school but I realize that this is just the beginning and I am so thankful for all the memories and for my boy who has grown up and will continue to do so with me as his Mommy.

Mrs. Passe, Riley's gentle and caring teacher aide.

 Mrs. Penny, Riley's fun, loving, hands-on, not at all afraid of messes and best bubble blowing Teacher for his first year of school.  

Happy Easter 2011

This Mommy figured that her children get up by 7 a.m. and banked on that for Easter Sunday.  Of course they picked this special day to sleep until 7:40 so I was able to get everything just about perfect before having to eventually wake Riley up so we could all get showered and ready for church.

He was apparently expecting the Easter Bunny and or Jesus to be in our living room so he was a bit confused but was pleasantly happy to find the goodies that were in his basket.  He kept asking "where's the Easter bunny Mommy and where's Jesus?"  After a long week of egg hunts, a birthday party for Uncle Kevin and a playdate complete with a fishing trip I was worried he was overtired but he proved to have one more burst of energy for the celebration on what was a gorgeous Sunday!  

We rushed around trying to get out the door in time and Daddy actually had to dress Lyssa since I was so behind (huge kuddos to D for putting on bloomers and a dress with snaps in the back!) but we made it with barely enough time to get a seat!  Easter is always packed at church (Hallelujah!) but that means that we are tightly packed into each pew like sardines so Riley was so excited when he got to break out and usher with Papa for offering and then communion.  He waved and winked to me as he excused our pew but otherwise was a total pro!  Besides a wonderful service we enjoyed an Easter brunch afterwards put on by the youth group and Riley tried and loved his first piece of bacon!  Derrick was a proud Daddy!  Our Lyssa smiled and cooed in her Easter attire and was the cutest little thing with her pink dress and flower headband.  How much fun Easter is when you have twice the amount of Easter blessings to dress!

We were able to relax at home with naps before heading to my parents for a delicious dinner, bocce ball, 31(I was the winner winner chicken dinner of the $24!), an egg hunt and a special scavenger hunt for Riley.  Riley was super excited about his clues that lead to his basket (my Mom always makes things so special!) and he was an eagle eye for finding the eggs outside!

First clue was on his bed, second clue in his cash register and third taped to his big red ball and they lead to his basket in the crib room filled with bunny money, chocolate and playdough!

He LOVES his Twins hat and it didn't come off the rest of the day!

We all had a blast soaking in the vitamin D, eating like piggies and laughing alot (possibly at how 'white' Katie and I are at dancing on the Kinect?).  It was a perfect day and a great kick-off to my last week at home where I am enjoying every last minute with my two beautiful babes.  Happy late Easter to you and yours!