I have gone from utterly heartbroken to angry and downright pissed in no time flat. I called my sister Saturday night and I let some nasty curse words out as I cried in anger and rage just moments after literally crying in heartache the whole way home. I watched my Mom all night long. I watched Alyssa sneak over to her multiple times to snuggle or get something off her plate. I grew progressively more and more angry until I thought I was going to explode. As someone put it best "this is just really shitty."
I went to church and had one of those floating body experiences. I was there but I wasn't. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to have your hands on my shoulder even for that brief second or that conversation that let me know we are not in this pain alone. I wasn't myself and I don't think my reactions were there but it meant something to me, even if it the acknowledgement of what it meant came later in the day. I eventually left the sanctuary and found God in the library and he guided me to books that caught my eye. The books sit heavy in my purse, I can't quite open them yet.
I'm not sure what the stages of grief are. I think I am currently in denial with a healthy side of angry. I don't want to talk about much of anything. Life's details are not in my radar yet. I am focused on my family, especially my kids. I am trying to just keep one foot stepping after the other without losing my crap.
I do not take anything lightly and I feel things very acutely and sharp. Right now I feel like there's no way this will break down my Mom, it can't. I have hardly seen her sick a day in her life and looking at her on Monday gave me hope that we have this all wrong or that she will be blessed with many, many years ALS free and healed. She told me she feels He has a plan. I felt it too. I don't want to be foolish or blindsided but I felt it.
Maybe I just feel your prayers and love shining through the darkness that surrounded me just days ago, maybe I am so numb that I can't feel anything anymore, maybe I am in survival mode or maybe this is my new normal. Get through the day as quietly as possible, pray hard and reflect on life in moments of silence that go on for way more than moments, go to bed earlier than you ever have, repeat the next day.
My mind is so scattered. I want to personally acknowledge the kindness shown to us already. Even my Mom noted that she is shocked at how many people care enough to call/send a note/walk over. It's a shock to everyone that knows her. The lasagna and cookies, the countless messages via FB or email, the text messages just sending love and thoughts, the shoulder squeezes, the phone calls, you guys, I just can't say enough about how much it all means. I never thought it took a village, I thought it took my Mom and Dad, now I understand the village part.
I just can't get my thoughts together so it's time to sign off but I had the best, most heartfelt, loving, sad conversation with my kids driving home Sunday and I want to eventually share it. Next time, when my brain isn't racing and my tongue isn't so tied up. The kids now know that something is wrong with Nana's muscles. She told them alone on Monday and just asked them to help her out more. Always, always thinking about them first, she told them without fanfare and in the simplest, easiest way for them to understand. There was no fear, no sadness, no worry. Oh to be 5 and 2 again. I love their innocence and their unconditional love.
Jesus Calling, November 19th.
Leave outcomes up to Me. Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.
...
You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to me.
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