Let me hold you longer: Karen Kingsbury

For Christmas Riley's sweet and adorable 2nd (or so) cousin gifted him with a very nice book, hence the title of this post.  I read said book after the Christmas festivities and cried my eyes out.  I was pregnant so I blamed it on hormones or whatever and tucked it away to read again later.  Riley pulled it out this last week and begged me to read it to him before bed.  I didn't really remember it and thought it looked perfect for a Mommy to read to her son just from the front cover so we opened it up and I made it to page 8 before I couldn't hold back the waterworks any longer.  Riley was utterly confused and wanting to keep reading but Daddy whisked him away before I absolutely lost my marbles and started bawling like a big baby.

Long ago you came to me,

a miracle of firsts:

First smiles and teeth and baby steps,

a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away

and leave me to your past,

and I will be left thinking of 

a lifetime of your lasts.

The last time I held a bottle

to you baby lips.

The last time that I lifed you

and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying 

needing to be walked.

When last you crawled up with your blanket,

wanting to be rocked.

Our last adventure to the park,

your final midday nap.

The last time when you wore your favorite

faded baseball cap.

I never said goodbye to all

your yesterdays long passed.

So what about tomorrow-

will I recognize your lasts?

Silly scattered images 

will represent your past.

I keep on taking pictures,

never quite sure of your lasts...  

And this is when the tears started but I continued.

The last time I comb your hair,

or stop a pillow fight.

The last time I pray with you 

and tuck you in at night.

The last time when we cuddle

with a book, just me and you.

The last time you jump in our bed

and sleep between us too.

One last hug, one last good-bye,

one quick and hurried kiss.

One last time to understand 

just how much you'll be missed.

I'll watch you leave and think how fast

our time together passed.

Let me hold on longer God

to every precious last.

...and then I lost it and just abbreviated the book for you.  

It's a book that will slay you.  Especially after you opened the mail earlier to find your first babies preschool enrollment papers with reminders on school supplies, tuition and orientation.  

I believe that when Riley was an infant I had the "I just can't waits."  

I just can't wait for him to sit up.

I just can't wait for him to hold his own bottle.

I just can't wait for him to crawl, walk and be able to run around with me.

I just can't wait for him to sleep through the night.

I just can't wait for him to start talking.

I can't wait for him to be potty trained.

I just can't wait for him to play ball and be able to go fishing.

How silly to look back and realize I wished away his babyhood, his toddlerhood because I was anxious to see the next step, because I was uncertain of the future.  I feel very sad to realize my beautiful baby boy is now 3 and that it has taken his sister to really realize what I have carelessly taken for granted.  Obviously, I enjoyed Riley as a newborn, as an infant, as a toddler but I seriously can't say enough how fast it has all gone.  

When I read this book it made me mourn all the lasts that we have already experienced with him and all the lasts that are coming up so quickly.  I can't even hold back the tears now as they spill effortlessly as I type away.  That is why I obsess over pictures and had to buy a nice camera just so I could obsess over them some more.  That is why I write everything down in his baby book and record nearly everything in "Mom, tell me one more story."  That is why I blog even when I am tired or busy because it's the details that I never want to forget.  It's the seemingly mundane that makes this life so spectacular and I am thankful that right now, in this very moment I am no longer wishing for anything.  I am no longer using the phrase "I can't wait" when it comes to my children.  I am taking the good with the bad, tiring, and everything in between and placing it in my heart, in that special spot that was overtaken by you Riley and you Alyssa.  

I promise to never bring work home with me so that it interferes with my mood.  I promise to let the dishes go once in awhile so we can stay outside longer, build boats out of playdough once more and catch one last imaginary fish out of our backyard.  I promise to scratch your back every night and say prayers with you and for you.  I promise to be the obnoxious camera Mom who even pulls out her camera in Coldstone just so she can remember you ordering your first ice cream.  I promise to hold your hand and be there with you and for you.  I promise to thank God every night for you and for all the joy and love you have brought to my life.  I promise (however unfortunately) that I will be that Mom weeping over your kindergarten graduation, your first homerun, your every birthday and almost everything in between because that is how God made me.  

I know I was made to be your Mom and of that I am 100% certain.  

This does not in anyway mean that I didn't love and cherish my Riley as a baby/toddler but rather that it went by too fast, in a sleepless blurry time warp that has robbed me of memories that D has to sometimes remind me of.  Thank goodness God gave me a chance to learn and live again with Lyssa Lu so that I can appreciate both of our children in a new light.  

I cannot however change that I am so excited for tomorrow but only because I loved everything about today, with you three.  My loves, my life, my family.

How time flies when you are having fun.

and I am done with the pictures for now...I promise!