Nothing routine about this one

We had decided to see the midwives who office right below me in the hospital since this time around I don't have time to go to appts before work and could just use my hour lunch break to run down quickly.  Also we figured Derrick doesn't really have to attend every appt this time around since it's just BP checks, how are you doing questions and peeing in a cup.  So on Wednesday I headed down at 11:40 and saw Amy for the 2nd time.  This time around I was anxious to hear the heartbeat since she couldn't find it at 9 weeks and we both figured at 13 weeks 4 days it should be easy.  Well it wasn't, in fact after 15 minutes she was starting to panic and called in a Perinatologist who also couldn't find the heartbeat.  They stood above me talking as if I wasn't there saying things like "she's skinny and even with a tilted uterus it should be here", "I can feel the uterus plain as day right here nicely swollen so why aren't we hearing your little heartbeat?", and then the kicker "I think it's time to call the husband."  My heart was beating so loudly that the doppler started picking it up and as they exited the room I sat up stunned and terrified.  I immediately called D who was just off of 494 and 100 so he changed plans and came racing to the hospital.  The nurse came in and told me to start drinking water because they were sending me straight to admitting as soon as D got there for a STAT ultrasound.  I almost vomited.  Amy came back in and told me she wanted to see me right away afterwards and that she wouldn't relax until she saw a heartbeat.  I was in a total state of panic by this point and after checking in and making our way up to radiology I just lost it.  I couldn't stop the tears and I had started shaking.  We talked about if there had been anything different with this pregnancy and D questioned the last few weeks over and over again but we couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary.  The ultrasound tech gave us her concerned hello and explained the procedure.  I needed no explanation-just get to IT!  She put the wand on my belly, looked at the screen for a minute and didn't say anything except "let's do this as an internal exam."  We thought it was absurd that she couldn't at least see a heartbeat from this angle or be able to reassure us just a bit but I quickly changed and was ready to go.  Baby #2 wasn't moving at all when he/she finally flashed on the screen but we finally saw the flicker of the tiny heartbeat and after 70 minutes of panic, torture and agony everything in our world was right again.  Baby was apparently in rest mode so we will have another ultrasound at 17 weeks to measure fetal movement again but everything was fine.  We left and went straight home.  I fell asleep and napped for 2 hours and never left my room.  I was emotionally drained, completely exhausted and totally angry and depressed about the situation.  I had horrible nightmares that night and cried as I explained to my co-workers what had happened.  I was pissed off and so disappointed by the way it was handled but after talking/crying to my dear friend Rach who also saw midwives for a short time, realized that they possibly aren't always the best under pressure and are more unsure of themselves and tend to go overboard.  This also happened to her and she switched back to MD's.  We also switched back to MD's so now I will cross Hwy 100 on my breaks and happily sit in the waiting room at Park Clinic and hope it takes less then 60 minutes.

We will still be anxiously awaiting hearing our little babies heartbeat for the first time at the next appt and needless to say D will be present as I am unsure if I can do it by myself again.

For 70 minutes our world completely stopped-we thought the worst had happened, for 70 minutes our hearts shattered and for 70 minutes I wondered what I had done wrong.  I questioned everything from my playing s-ball, to my choice to workout occasionally, to my choice to have mac and cheese 3 days in a row for lunch.  I walked around shaky for the next couple of days but once again feel relaxed and positive about this pregnancy.  I will also feel a lot better about borrowing Rach's doppler for the next 24 weeks and finding the heartbeat on my own-whenever our hearts desire.