It's a...

Whew, it feels so surreal to be here at almost 21 weeks!  This pregnancy has just flown by, extremely easy and carefree in regards to the new baby.  I hadn't been at all anxious to know if it was a boy or a girl up until last week when I could hardly wait for this morning.  My heart and head have undergone a complete transformation and I switched from expecting/wanting a boy to wanting a sister bond for my girl.  I thought alot of my own sister and how lucky I am to have her and now her little Jax.  Jax is hers but I love him like he was my own because she's my little sister barely 2 years behind me.  I wanted a best friend for my daughter that was homegrown in love and loyalty.  I still had a small hunch it was a boy but I felt in my bones it probably wasn't going to be so.

We got all set up in the ultrasound room and the first picture that appeared was baby #3 spread eagle and I knew immediately that it was a girl!  She was letting us know loud and clear that she was indeed a "she" and not to mistake that!  Had we said we didn't want to know it would have been impossible to miss.  It was hilarious and I panicked for a sec thinking forward to the teenage years with 2 girls but after that we were so very excited!  We saw her give a big old yawn and then bring her tiny hand up to her face for comfort.  She was so cooperative with all the pictures except for the spine so I have to go back at my 28 week appt for one more ultrasound...bummer :).  Just watching her move around in there and stretching her tiny muscles was an absolute joy.  What a gift to just be still in awe and wonder.  Will she have blonde hair?  Brown hair?  Red?  HA!  We are so excited to see her and touch her and see who she resembles!

sorry for the terrible cell pic of a pic but since moving I have no idea what we did with the scanner!

A boy for Riley would have been great but they would have more than 6 years apart in age and Alyssa is in desperate need of more estrogen in the house with an all boy brother as her influence for the last 3 years!

I went up to the garage attic and rifled through Alyssa's newborn clothes the last few weeks and I desperately wanted to use those again.  Those soft pink sleepers and delicate dresses that my Lu graced for just a short time were needing to be worn again.  I think of our girls sharing a bedroom like my sister and I did and I dream of their budding friendship, dress-up dates and tea parties for two!

Following this appt I have been on cloud 9.  It feels so good to put a "face" to the baby rolling around in there and kicking me good and hard when my early alarm goes off.  She is the one that gets up with me and kicks me to keep me awake for those first very early hours.  She is the one that has slowly but surely put my heart on notice to come together and look forward to the future.  We just want to hold her so badly now and this pregnancy has finally gotten real for both of us.  She is our tiny miracle weighing in at 13 ozs currently.

I'm currently typing with 3 very loud boys playing guns and war behind me meanwhile my daughter is desperately trying to find a foothold with a princess dress on and bangles galore.  She is pleading to stay "alive" and trying to find anyone to pay attention to her femininity.  Poor girl, I cannot wait until Daddy gets home tonight so we can break the news.

Neither has asked me yet what we are having, they are too young, wrapped up in themselves to remember that today was the day.  I imagine Riley will be a little crushed but we talked about it at bedtime the last few nights and I think I have him prepared to be the little man of the house that will be the protector for two precious, pretty girls.

Our all boy starts baseball (coaches pitch) on Monday and our sweet girl starts dance in a few weeks.  This summer is going to fly by and I cannot wait!

Hurry up and keep waiting...

It's very funny how time moves these days.  One day spreads into the next and I marvel at how fast they go and then collectively how slow they go.  I never really escape that time is ticking and ticking time means the 2-5 year window with my Mom is slowing but surely moving towards whatever it is this disease means for her.

I have been reflecting on November and December of last year after finding out.  I don't know if I can ever explain the pain pool I swam in for those 7 dark weeks.  I will never forget the Thursday night after we found out.  Derrick was going to drive me to the office so I could get my team ready for Friday without me and we drove by my neighbors house with a bunch of women in the driveway, laughing and saying goodbye.  I was struck by how just a few hours earlier that could have been me.  There were so many days and nights where all I could do was sob and hit the ground just repeating the same word over and over again.  I remember not being able to sit or stand to sob.  My body just could literally not hold that kind of pain.  I would have to get down and curl up and just let it flow.  How does life take such a jagged and unexpected exit and how do we go about living life even when pain and sorrow are so closely held also?

It's been a learning process.  Each day is easier seen as just that...a new day.  Most are chaotic and messy.  Some are spectacular and some are just a day to get through.  I thought about staying home with my kids many times over the last 5 years.  When I was pushed towards it during the darkest time in my life I went into it with very skewed priorities and a certain set of outcomes.  My priorities at the time were to just keep breathing steady.  At the same time I assumed I was going to be supermom.  I was going to spend everyday being the Mom I always wanted to be.  Lunches thoughtfully made, homework and housecleaning always done on time.  Time for learning in the home and growing up little ambitions carried out each day.  What I set myself up for was utter and complete failure.

I recently lost it.  Riley had school all day a few Tuesdays ago and after a springbreak I never though twice about checking his folders for what he needed.  I met Derrick at school to assume parenting roles while he continued to work and I was so blindsided when other kids were excitedly pulling out there "24 things".  Riley looked just broken and he walked into his classroom, shoulders slumped, defeated.  I piled Alyssa into my truck, took off for a midwife appt and cried all the way to St Louis Park.  I cursed and kicked myself for being so stupid.  Why in 10 days did I not check his bag and write a reminder on the fridge?  Why did I have to get out of bed at 9:30 the evening before because once again I forgot to make his lunch?  Why the hell could I not get this once a week school thing down?  And the kicker, I have one in a seat behind me and one in my belly that were in line for such a failure of a Mom.  I ugly cried and Alyssa, being the sweet little thing she is, only asked once if I was okay and then just thoughtfully looked out the window.

It was not the 24 things that broke me.  It was my perceptions and expectations that failed me.  So that day after getting up at 3:15 a.m. and running around for 5 hours before meeting at church to exchange the kids.  We drove to SLP, back home, packed up Riley's 24 things, drove to church and hung out in his class since by that time it was 12:45 and he was done in 2 hours.  I was going to make up for it big time.  We walked in and my son said, "What are you doing here?"  Ha, he had completely forgotten about his 24 things and when the presentation of 24 things happened he was only 1 of 5 that had them. He enjoyed it and it was fun but not exactly the paramount of projects I had built up in my minds eye.  We finally came home and I sat down for 2 hours only to turn around and go to clean.  It broke me.  The whole day was just one miserably, long, exhausting day.

It was the turning point for me also.  I realized that there is too much time to criticize myself now.  I have too much time to realize my failures and shortcomings and grief.  Before I was working FT and we had a schedule.  I knew I would get done working, get my children, come home for naps and wake up refreshed and excited to spend time with them.  I would have 1 thing in mind that I wanted to do together and we rarely screwed that up.  It wasn't always cotton candy and balloons but we had it down pretty darn well and it was the norm for the last 3 years.

What I have come to finally realize and still struggle with is there is a part of my heart that is in constant sorrow.  I have to acknowledge it and find away to live with it while still living, however unprepared and messy it might be.

This baby that is growing inside of me was for many weeks a crutch.  I was learning to take one day at a time and it was throwing me into the future and what it will look like.  I was disconnected from Him and almost resentful.  Instead of thinking about the gift of life and concentrating on the good, I was concentrating on how God was probably opening a window just as he was ready to close a door in my life.  I was consumed with if my Mom would even be able to hold this baby.  I would find hope in a treatment only to be reminded that it was a bandaid not a cure.  Living in excitement for the future was how my first two babies were, this one was a new norm.  I dare not to look ahead because my family is so intertwined in my everyday and my future but how do you do that with new life expanding and growing right underneath that damaged heart?

I recently went to a play with my Mom and I was struck by how weird it was so be out of the house with no children at my heels.  It has always and will always make me sad, even when I know I needed the break and was probably not too graceful about excepting it.  I went to the bathroom and I felt the new baby moving around and I thought "so this is mercy".  This is God reminding me that throughout the depths of sadness and failures I come face to face with, this new life will be there to remind me that I am not in control and will never be.  It was equally debilitating and renewing.  This baby might be the bandaid that covers my damaged, broken heart.  I would never have chose that this new life possibly replace my Mothers but Someone greater than me realized that without it I might not have survived.  It's equal parts accepting the grace and gift in this baby and realizing that life keeps on drumming out no matter what.  It's the hardest and most difficult lesson I assume I will struggle with for the remainder of our time intertwined together.  I very specifically asked that God help me and take some of that pain away.  Now I need to accept that answer.

I finally saw this new baby and I thought that would make it real but it didn't.  I still find it hard to wrap my head around this as with ALS, but I am excited.  I feel the baby moving, I have seen my stomach warped as it moves and my heart skips around when I hear it's heartbeat at home with the doppler.  Just because I wept and prayed and pleaded with Him over my first two, I think this was just hard to accept.    I can realize that and stop beating myself for being so resentful and so confused about this, #3.  I do love #3 so, it's just a learning process about growing and patience and being completely out of control.

I have had this stewing on my heart for so long.  Putting my deepest fears and resentments out there so I could clear away for the happy and good.  I feel that now.  I never re-read what I write it's just alot of verbal diarrhea.  I feel clean and empty now and that's what I needed.  The post that took a month to write is finally out there and I can pick up the pieces.  It's been a difficult start to this pregnancy.  Not in the physical way.  It makes me feel very vulnerable and dirty to admit that but there it is.

And here He is...we refer to it as He, not sure if that's what we really want or what we perceive would be easiest but Alyssa was a "he" until 20 weeks also so again, here He is.  My most difficult learning process in life thus far.  My grace and mercy, growing inches below my heart.

Life these days on the home front are filled with uncertainties regarding my Mom.  We have prayerfully considered Bejing, Israel, clinical trials here in the US and stem cell therapies in CA.  There is no right/wrong answer.  There is no cure.  My Mom admitted to us that her right hand is showing signs of the ALS.  She has terrible abdominal cramping from ALS.  My Dad is retiring soon and it should be joyous and a triumph but the reality is that he needs to be home for her and they need to enjoy each day as tomorrow could be ugly.  She has an appt at the Mayo on April 7th and we anxiously await the medical opinions that come out of it.  So there we are again, hurry up and wait. 

Jillian Michaels failed me or something like that...

It was post Christmas and being the sweet lover that I am I knew it was time to start getting some motivation to lose the 5 lbs (or more!) that November and December always add on to me.  I was confident in Jillian and her 30 day shred to get me well, shredded and back to 125lbs in no time.  I started early, knowing my body was a year older and that it would not be easy.  I was dedicated and even though many days I felt like throwing the towel in I made it to level 2 and was somehow 23 days in.  I knew I felt stronger but my abdomen and energy were in the toilet.  I was utterly exhausted and couldn't believe that choosing "JOY" (see previous post) and working out were only making my energy sink lower and lower.  I thought nothing of it and proceeded to beg my midwife for one more month of birth control so I could make it through vacation before needed to have the yearly checkup we women enjoy so much. ;)  Ha, she kindly obliged and just asked that I take a precautionary pregnancy test before starting them.  You see, we had decided in July to stop the pill and just see where the year took us.  If we got pregnant, yeah, it was meant to be, if we didn't well-yeah, we are blessed with a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.  Come November after the utter devastation that was ALS entering our lives we had a conversation about being done and I started the last 21 days of pills I could find in my cupboard.  I was so depressed and so overwhelmed with life that I could not fathom bringing another life into the mess that was grief and heartache.  I have never been real good at taking the pill and I know I missed a night or two but after struggling to conceive both kids didn't think anything of it.  I even proceeded to bring up the "V" word (vasectomy) in January because why be on hormones if I don't need to be?!  Anyways, I took the test January 29th and I almost hit the floor in shock and awe.  Turns out we are pregnant.  SURPRISE!  Surprise just barely touches the surface of the utter shock I felt.  I had closed the book on that chapter of life.  I was moving forward confidently er not always so confidently but resolving to be confident in the closure.  I had many talks with different friends about it and my response was always the same, "I'm already in over my head, I'm sad to be done but it's for the best and we don't really want to start over now."  And honestly, my sister only has one so I knew at the least one more baby would be in our futures that we could hold and love on and then give back!

After weeks of not really eating, drinking more than I ever have and intentionally ordering drinks at restaurants and stopping to buy wine for consumption after the kids went to bed I was in a total panic about what the heck I had done to this baby.  I was already 8.5 weeks in and had done nothing healthy in regards to myself except for working out.  I had taken no vitamins, was drinking caffeine like my life depended on it and was lucky if I choked in a bite or two of dinner.  All of this was calmly and confidently pushed aside from my midwife who assured me that if the baby was still in there and doing good that I was okay as long as I started making pushes now to get on a healthy track.  I heard the heartbeat yesterday at 10.5 weeks, 150 BPM and strong.  I left with no ultrasound but have my first one March 4th.  We are due to have our third baby September 12th.  Just 10 days after we send our first baby to Kindergarten.

To say this is a sign for us is a given.  Where there is grief and heartache over the future, He says there is joy and excitement for tomorrow.  Where there is pain and regret over how fast time has flied with one child, He says there is still today with that child and even more I am giving you the chance the do it all again.  When you think you have life figured out, He says, NO, I do, rest soundly in my assurance that I am in charge and you will not be given more than you can handle.  This was a direct answer to my prayer of taking away the pain and replacing it with joy.  I have never felt so taken care of before. It amazes me that just weeks ago the future was black and now it's bright.  It's still shocking, I mean we forget sometimes and have to remind ourselves that this is real.  Florida was interesting, I was so excited to do the rides until I remembered, "if you are pregnant, you should not ride".  I was so excited about the seafood, oops, no shellfish well you are pregnant.  I was so excited for margaritas and sunshine until I remembered, no drinking while pregnant.  I almost ordered a margarita until I had a mental head slap that I was, surprise pregnant.  We've told the kids and my family.  Riley is excited, Alyssa got a little weepy but she is onboard and excited to be the little mama come fall.

We think it's a boy but only because we always envisioned one more boy if ever it happened.  If it's a girl or a boy it's an absolute miracle and we'll take it.

I feel at times completely overwhelmed at the thought of three and at the same time so lucky to get to do it all again.  I have honestly loved pregnancy with both kids and giving birth is so fun and such a rush.  Who cares that it hurts a little, it's the best kind of pain when it's all said and done.  We are trying to figure out where we are going to house the little babe and we think Riley will move down to the 3rd level with some persuasion of bunk beds or a built in bed with a fort/desk area underneath.  We've thought about moving Lyssi and Riley in together and I like that idea but I love her room so much and I just don't want to change it already.  Although some of my best memories are sharing a room with my sister and I think they would really like it.  I know after carrying my Lu around that 40 weeks goes by faster and faster each time.  This time it will be during Derrick's very busy season and it will be a challenge but I am hoping after I hit 12 weeks some energy will reappear and I'll feel almost human again.

Life certainly gives you whiplash and when you least expect it.  It's beautiful and painful and always, always you can find joy when you think it's all but lost.  Baby #3 is a testament to that.  Our beautiful reminder that life goes on.

Whew, it feels good to get that out, we have bursting since January 29th, absolutely bursting with this surprise news.  I have never wanted to blurt out pregnancy news before like I have with this one.

I will find some time soon here to type out some thoughts on our vacation.  It was so good and so tiring and so fun.  I have a few ;) pictures to go through and then I want to get it down for memories sake while the emotions and highs are so fresh.

Love and unexpected joys to you today and tomorrow!

Life will look alot differently come this fall than it did last fall!

Darkness lifted

When I look back on the last few months of last year all I see is utter despair and gut wrenching heartache.  I take note that I needed that time to grieve and grow at the same time.  Sadness still finds me but it's a far cry from what it was even a week or two ago.  I have been lifted out of that darkness by  my Mom especially but by my personal devotion time and through the devotion and love that has been shown to her and our family.  It is absolutely inspiring to see and feel that we are not alone in this.  We are not alone in the pain or shock.  We are not alone in being resolute to finding a way around this.  I will expound on that a little later.

I remember the start of 2013 clearly.  I had just gone back to work on the 2nd, a day earlier than I should have after my Mom had some surgery.  I was quite bitter about it and on my way home I rear ended a work truck in front of me because of icy roads and one of those complete slam on the brake sudden stops that 169 is so famous for.  How a highway can all of a sudden come to a complete stop right when you get over a hill is beyond me but it was done.  I had smacked him and his truck was fine, Derrick's Corolla was not.  I was so mad and so scared that I lashed out.  It was all Derrick's fault for making me go back to work and this was his birthday, he should have just let me stay home and make a nice dinner.  Now 2 hours later in freezing temps I was still sitting in a freezing cold car waiting to be picked up.  I could not and would not go into the tow shop because I could just envision the stares from the men about the "stupid" woman who was paying no attention and obviously following too closely to care.  When D finally did arrive we were utterly silent.  He knew that I was blaming him and because of the person he is he just didn't go there.  We spent the next two days in total silence.  Ha, can you imagine how awkward it is to move around your new house, try to find things, care for your children together and then go to bed together and still not be talking?  I look back on that and just find nothing but Grace.  My husband is the most forgiving person I know.  He bends over backward to just make things better and stays calm all the while I act a fool.  I completely ruined our car, his birthday and the start of a fresh new year.  I had so much anger that I couldn't just take it out on myself, it branched out to everyone around me.  This was also about the time that my Mom just couldn't seem to muster up any energy.  She was exhausted after having the kids for 3.5-4 hours and many times I would rush over there at 12:30 and round them up as fast as I could to be on my way home by 12:40.  I kept that up for months.  I couldn't understand her change and I was mad about it.  Mad enough that I was silent again about it.  I let things snowball and eventually we came to a blowout, I believe more than once.  I never stopped and listened.  I never looked beyond my own circumstance to really, really care what her's might have been.  That again is my biggest challenge in life and my biggest regret.  I can look back now and see that although 2013 was trying and at times frustrating, it ended with such love and shared passion.

The prospect of a fresh new year for 2014 scared me to the core.  I was jealous that everyone else had a fresh, clean slate to look forward to and we had a stained slate full of uncertainties and pain.  Each new day potentially bringing us farther and farther away from the woman we knew as Mom.  I looked into the future and projected it's appearance.  I did this for a few days and then my mind and body just couldn't do it anymore.  I started feeling urges and prayers started breaking through my thick head.  I had to sit down and do a bible study.  I had to start believing, really believing.  I had to keep living, enough so that smiling and laugher were the norm, not tears and being alone.  When you start to actually glimpse the face of Christ and allow Him to honestly infiltrate your life there is no doubt that a peace that surpasses all understanding finds you.  I've never had to do this at 31.  I have lived a safe, easy life.  The simple, childlike Bible stories were enough for me.  I am surrounding myself with glimpses of Heaven.  A great book that my husband finally read after years of me telling him he should is "Forever Ours", Real stories of immortality and living from a forensic pathologist.  Janis Amatuzio, MD.  It is so well written and so compelling.  I have read it at least 3 times but this 4th time I feel it.  I feel the anticipation and excitement for Heaven.  I believe that God's plan is greater than ALS for my Mom.  I believe that He can heal her.  I believe he is using this to His glory and I have finally stepped in line with that.  I also now know that if she does perish any sooner than I thought (95) I will be okay. I will be able to pick myself up and I will see her again.  In my dreams, in the stars, in the clouds, in Heaven.  No, this does not make everyday so easy but this life will never be easy.  That is why you surround yourself with people that have your back when you falter.  The day after Christmas Boston's in CR held it's ALS fundraiser with 10% of all food orders going to the ALSA.  My Mom's dear friend Jan organized it by sending massive emails out and spreading the word.  We walked into the restaurant that night and were surrounded by friends and family.  It was overwhelming in a good way.  Jan had made necklaces that either had our family picture on it or said "We Love the Hutchinson's".  My Alyssa thought Grandma was a celebrity along with her little friend Mila.  Every minute someone new seemed to walk through the door.  All in all, 83 total people showed up with some kind of connection to my Mom.  Some of my dearest friends showed up, Tim, Deb and his whole family, Keith, Sica and Mila, Jeff, Apryl, Avery, and Eric, Kim, Luke, Carter and Graham, Rob, Carrie, Logan and Layla.  Countless dear friends to my parents and all the while I watched my Dad shine and feed off of the support that was lavishly handed out to us that night.  All it took was showing up and just saying "hi".  No words were needed.  No sympathies, no awkward pauses.  All they did was show up and it said everything to us.

Right now the most common question I receive is "how is your Mom doing?"  Honestly, I answer with "really good, she is strong in mind, body and faith."  What I have been listening to now is the nitty gritty.  She struggles with frequent muscle cramps all over her body, especially her legs and her abdomen.  When she finally lays down at night, her muscles twitch and dance all over making it nearly impossible to fall asleep or stay asleep.  She has told me that she tires easily and that she can tell when she overdoes immediately.  She always has to use the handrails on the stairs.  These are very specific prayers that we are adjusting to now.  Life isn't the same as it was just a year or so ago.  Birthday dinners are now cut down to just the birthday person and their family because she just can't do big, elaborate dinners anymore.  And while this was too scary to face just a few weeks ago, I feel strong in knowing now.  I feel more compassion and more responsibility to do life better.  Not just towards my Mom but to everyone that I call "friend" in life.  It's time that I make meaningful connections of my own, ones that require leaving my safe little box that is now 9101 168th Ave.

We went up north and rented a cabin for my birthday this year and I noted to my husband how very adult I felt.  I mean, my parents weren't with us!  Ha, he quickly noted that we did invite them, they just weren't able to come.  I will always want my parents close by.  That is reality for most of us.  If ALS progresses and starts to tear my Mom down more, it will not be easy, there will be very dark days.  There will be self pity and more grieving.  I just don't envision them as I did a week ago, it's not just my Dad, Mom, Sister, Brother and I facing this.  It's a strong village that seems to come through at just the right moments.  It is being held by a mighty hand.  It is making a very conscientious choice to live for TODAY, for these three.

My nephew Jaxson.

My sweetheart.

My comic relief.