Balance

Four weeks out from vacation and things are really starting to fall into place.  Getting up at 4, taking my nap at 1 and picking up the kids at 3:15 have started to become easier and easier.  Getting little chunkets  (made up word!) of sleep is finally working and I have more energy than ever.  A little patience and a lot of stamina go a long way with little ones in the household.

Case in point.  This past Saturday we had to drop Daddy off at work at 10:00 and then we were on our own the rest of the day. Normally this would have been fine but we have seen this man for maybe 30 minutes each day the last few weeks so we were all missing him.

But I digress.

So we dropped him off and hit Caribou because I completely understand and listen to that little voice that says "a vanilla white mocha will make it all roses and gumdrops."  You don't want to tempt that little voice so Caribou it was.  With the liquid strength we proceeded to hit up Jared's for a much needed ring cleaning. We trekked over to Ulta which on an unrelated note Lyssi Lu loved.  She is all girl.  We walked to Pottery Barn cause big girl will need big girl sheets and a bed soon.  Unrelated news...oh my gah, the cuteness in that store makes your ovaries flip.  Luckily each one of my children was firmly holding onto either side of my shirt just close enough to each ovary in turn keeping them in check.  I kinda kid.  No pun intended.  Anyways, Riley really, really, really wanted a lamp for his room.  That whole store and my child was begging for a lamp.  Practical?  Check!  We managed to completely pick out Lyssi's new big girl room and catalogued it for later when Daddy was in tow.  We slid on down to Baby Gap and managed to eat up the next hour very quickly.  Riley asked which size he needed I told him to hunt down 3's and he was off.  He picked out 8 pairs before he came hobbling over to me looking like he was going to fall over from the weight.  We headed over to the changing room and proceeded to try everything on.  Baby Gap is for us notoriously bigger than the listed sizes so and unfortunate side effect is trying everything, everything on.  When Riley stripped down Lyssi wanted to strip down, okay, whatev.  We tried a few pairs on, tried a new dress on for girlfriend and kept moving through the pile.  Someone had pushed the assistance button which worked because we needed a different size in a few pairs anyways.  Nice lady comes to the door, both kids got excited and started squealing with joy a little bit.  Squealing made them realize it echoed and they rightly squealed for the entire rest of our changing room visit.  Now when nice lady came back to the door (and I am pretty sure Alyssa had this planned out the whole time) little lady escaped in nothing but a diaper and sister is fast and was free from any clothes slowing her down so the crazy lady in the tiny changing room with 2 kids squealing for the last 10 minutes has now let one of her children out on the loose, in just a diaper because well, she is crazy and has clearly no control over her kids.  So I finally grab her slippery little self we get everyone dressed again and we make our way over to check out.  Both of our kids like to "pay" by signing their name so more chaos broke out for a short time over who got to "sign" first but I don't even pay "those" people eye contact back.  Clearly no one remembers what it can be like with two younger children who have a zest for life.  It was lunch time and so be it that signing was the most important thing in their little lives for those five minutes.  The moral of the story is that Riley was made for skinny jeans (no, not the ridic skinny kind) and sometimes the circus life is in any given moment is quite funny and calls for a cupcake shop visit pre-lunch.

Nadia cakes?  Cute shop, fun decor, pretty cupcakes.  Way too heavy, too much sugar and just not good.  Womp, womp, womp.

Our last stop was a carwash which the kids had been begging for all day long.  Of course there was a wait but the tri-color foam makes everything worth it so wait we did.  We finally dragged ourselves in the door at 1:45 had PB&J and hit the sack.

I kept thinking how could it only have been 3.5 hours since we dropped Daddy off?  It felt like 8.5!  A lot more work with 2 but the rewards are greater.  We had fun.  We had a big bag of new clothes and even Lyssi scored a few things.  Her big fall/winter shopping trip will come another day.  I can only handle one big score at a time!  : )  We had a fun night, capped off with the bebes going to bed and a workout for me.

This is the perfect time to interject that I have the nicest brother ever.  He got off work ran to the grocery store for me cause after all those errands I forgot milk and the ingredients for the taco dip I promised my husband and he then sat at our house so I could pick up a slightly inebriated D.  It was a trip in pj's, no bra, no makeup and sweaty hair.  I assumed a quick call would get D off the bar stool and into the truck.  Turns out an almost 30 year old, sweaty, tired mama of 2 was the most happenin thing going on in New Brighton that night.  I was there in the truck for over 30 minutes as each person had to tell me how much they either loved me or D.  I had multiple people on my truck.  On the roof or the hood.  I had to spray multiple people with washer fluid numerous times and finally we were able to exit.

I finally flopped in bed around 12:30 set my alarm to 7:30 and slept, soundly and peacefully.

Sunday routine was a nice change of pace after a sporadic summer.  It was good and all kinds of needed.  Sunday School for Riley, nursery for Alyssa, adult bible study for Mommy and a quick pick up for Riley, a quick spy on Lyssi and then church for us.  It was a great sermon and combined with my Jesus Calling devo and I feel balanced, content, happy, secure.

Real quick I want to share with you September 8th from Jesus Calling...this has gotten me through everyday.

"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you, by that I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body.  Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.  

On some days your circumstances and physical condition may feel out of balance.  The demands on you seem far greater than your strength.  Days like this present a choice-giving up or relying on Me.  Even if you wrongly chose the first, I will not reject you.  You can turn to Me at any point and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement.  I will infuse my strength into you moment by moment, giving you all you need for this day.  Trust Me."

Powerful.

He is so "a little me", sickness comes fast and easy.  

Church cuties, does she look all grown up or what!?

sick cutie

Alyssa's first ponytail!  Can you see the disgust on her face from me pulling at her hair and then making her sit still for pictures?  Haha, love her!

fall lyssi lu must haves!

Kids bowl free rules, a celebratory hug!  

Ain't she purdy?

Totally random Lu lu shots but her thighs are too cute!

tackle box saturday morning show and tell, these sweet things slay me

keeping it real, tears and a total brain dump

These last few weeks have been hard.  Work has been emotionally and physically draining.  What's that you ask?  What exactly do I have to do going in at such an obscene hour?

Basically I am an air traffic controller for phlebotomists around the cities.  I go in at four and get the routes set for the morning runs.  We outreach to nursing homes and in order to be efficient it is required of us to beat the nursing home staff getting residents up and about so we stalk them early and get most of our work done before they are at breakfast or bingo.  The state requires us to draw blood in a private area and our insurance company requires us to not transport patients so as soon as they have left their room we are at the mercy of the staff to transport them back to their room which is alot easier than it sounds.  Every nursing home we serve has a "lab day" where they try to get the majority of the tests for the patients done that morning.  PT/INR's and fasting labs are always given morning priority and then there is timed draws for medication administration and the obligatory STAT's that come in when the NH staff forgets to put in an order for the morning.  It's dispatching 15-17 phleb's and another 5-6 couriers who deliver medication to hospice patients and pick up samples and making sure everything comes in before it goes "bad".  It's training all the new staff and going out with the current staff to make times faster and help with hard sticks.  It's making sure that everything is tight procedurally speaking and that we are upholding and keeping with the Hippa, CLIA and CAP regulations.  It's researching the numerous problems that come up everyday and catering to the picky customers while listening to them eat our people alive and then giving into their demands.  We have homes everywhere including the notable Buffalo, Waconia, Woodbury, Forest Lake and my personal favorites Anoka and CR.  Most of our staff run 5-9 a.m. so we cram alot into those early hours and hope for the best.  It's alot of knowing who you have on and making everyone happy.  It's starting at 4 and hoping to get a break at 10:30.  Lately we have been running on empty between not having a supervisor present for the last 11 weeks to having a manager "resign" because of budget cuts.  Our team lead was stepped up to interim supervisor and I was stepped up to team lead.  It doesn't mean much except that I appreciate the token and have always cared passionately about the office running smoothly and in turn appreciate that they have noticed.  I don't do anything with half my heart and this office is no exception.  To make the staff happy we granted one too many vacays over the last 3 weeks so our 17 routes has been manned by like 10-11 people.  In layman terms: STRESSFUL.  Add in the nearly everyday sick call and you have yourself a scheduling nightmare, every.single.morning.  Bored yet?  haha, I wish it was boring!

I haven't taken a break in more than 2 weeks.  I run on a Mt. Dew and granola bar everyday.  The upside?  I only have to pack my lunch for Monday and it's still sitting there waiting for me to someday actually eat it.  The downside?  One can only run on a Mt. Dew for so long before the proverbial $h!% hits the fan.

I have a sidekick.  Her name is TJ.  We don't even have to speak, mostly because who wants to speak at 4 a.m. but anyways we work insync without words spoken to get the work done.  We run, we don't walk.  We laugh and pick eachother up.  She has become a dear friend and we may or may not consider ourselves the "A" team.  She has been gone for 10 days and her ying to my yang finally gave way Thursday when I opened my inbox only to discover once again that everyone asks everything of TJ and I and I could simply not do it all on my own.  I cried, big fat alligator tears and I slowed down to a crawl.  I dropped a few unflattering words and when one of my phlebs walked in whining over the fact that she only slept for 4 hours the night before I might have started giggling.  Giggling in a way that only crazy people who never get more than 4-5 hours every.single.night. do.  Eventually I collected myself and by Thursday I finally got a break.  I love it when my co-workers say "just take a break" unfortunately I am not wired like that.  I cannot leave things hanging or people waiting.  I am always striving to do more, work faster, be more efficient and on top of everything.  It's always been like that.  In school I was always the first the one to put their pencils down 10 minutes into a 70 minute exam.  I would rather push through and be done than sit down and have anything staring at me.  I also might have a touch of OCD but nothing has been diagnosed.  : )

This last week or so we have watched both the RNC and some of the DNC...we are equal opportunity in this house ; )  Mostly we watched the DNC just for Michelle Obama.  You can't not like her.  She seems so nice and so perfect.  Futhermore, after hearing Mitt praise his wife for staying home all those years with 5 boys while he was away and then seeing Michelle and how much she does for her own kids I realized that I am a complete and utter failure.

We are so hard on ourselves aren't we?!  I wished and wanted more for my kids in those moments and then I went to work to the next day and just got pounded on again.

It was also a combination of Daddy being gone so much and me being the everything at home.  I done good but I tired.  Nice English eh?  I like rising to the challenge and being successful as the "single" mom but every "super" mom has an event that within seconds can break them.  Mine was, once again, feeling like a failure of a mom.  I served pizza for the second time this week and after an emotional day of dropping Riley off for yet another first day in turn catapulting him toward leaving the house for college I lost mine marbles.  I had a good, old fashioned, soul cleansing, ugly cry.  It was crying over how big my baby is (she is saying new words everyday, today was "jump" and "cup") to crying over how big my other baby is ("mommy I loved everything about today") to missing my husband so much to dreading the weekend because honestly it's way too busy.  It was remembering Aeon and how pitiful my own problems are.  So we put on pj's at 5:24, snuggled up and sat together on couch cushions awaiting Daddy.  I vowed to be a better mommy tomorrow.  I started a checklist in my head of what we needed to do before the snow flies.  I started a list of things we can sign up for this winter to keep us busy and then I lost my marbles again.

We spend so much time pinning and googling new and cool ideas to make us the ideal, picture perfect mom and for what?  Cause all I see when I look at my Pinterest page is a whole bunch of super cool stuff that I have never even come close to attempting.  My husband sighs when I explain and yet he still doesn't understand "pinning" and I gawf at his ignorance.   But tomorrow I promise to be gawf at myself for being as ignorant as thinking pinning will make me a better mom.  I will gawf at thinking signing Riley up for swimming and Awana will make me a better mom.  Once again, tomorrow I will be better...I swear we just can't win.

So I throw up my hands and admit that we eat pizza alot and when I am too lazy to cut up fruit I hand my kids gogo squeezes.  It's how we roll.

As much as I/you can pick apart everything we/others do, deep down we must know we are good mommies who love our children dearly and even in those moments where we just want to scream.  All of this is so much easier said than done but eventually, maybe, someday it will sink in.

If there is one thing that is good about Pinterest it is finding little gems like this...

Love today, put away yesterday and forget about tomorrow.  

(someone remind me about this the next time I have a "the kids are so big, I am a failure" moment.  k-kthanks!) 

Only for a short time are you mine to hold.

There has been horribly sad news in my family this past few weeks.  My cousin Erin and her husband Eric lost their 3 year old daughter Aeon unexpectedly.  The details are few but we know that she wasn't feeling good and just stopped breathing.  The paramedics were unable to resuscitate her and just like that the world stopped spinning for them.

Our hearts and minds have been on sweet Aeon everyday since we heard the news.  They live in FL so there was little we could do but send money and prayers their way.

We have been hugging fiercer, kissing more often and telling our children how much we love them, intentionally, every chance we get.

Eric and Erin are very lucky to have a very strong faith and Eric had a vision I would like to share with you before I move on.  It brought me to tears.

“ In my vision. I saw myself standing in the River of Life. Erin was there to my left and Aeon was with us in from of us…..As soon as we saw Him (Jesus), we knelt down right there in the River before Him. We stood up and He walked over to me and hugged me. But instead of simply hugging me, He stepped inside of me. Then, Jesus stepped out of me and walked over to Erin and hugged her. Again, He also stepped inside of her. He walked out of her and went over and picked up Aeon into His arms out of the River……then Jesus said, ‘ Stay here as long as you like. And even when you leave, you are still seated with me. This is a place of rejoicing. Tell them I am coming back. Tell them I am coming back.’ Then, Jesus started to cry. And with tears streaming down His face He continued, ‘Tell them I’m coming back and I don’t want them to miss it. I want them with Me and in Me. I want to be in them. I want to play with them in the River of Life. I don’t want it to be too late. Don’t wait! Don’t’ Wait! The time is short. I come back for My Bride who is gorgeous and sparkling white. She longs to see Me. She longs to be with Me; to be in Me and I in Her forever. It pains me. It pains Me that people choose Darkness rather than Light. Come to the Light. Come to Me. I love you….’  Jesus continued ‘Aeon Zoe (Eternal Life). I have your daughter with Me. She is safe. I am her Lift-Giver. Do not be afraid. For I will use you in way your haven’t yet imagined. Just yield to Me’ then He reaches inside of Erin and He pulls out pain. He said ‘I carried your grief. I carried your sorrow. I carried your pain. Then He reached inside of me (Eric) and pulled out all the pain and He continued, ‘….so you don’t have to.’”

This gives me such reassurance.  I love the picture it paints of Jesus holding little Aeon and the peace that it gives knowing she is in the best arms being so loved and so well taken care of.  

Meanwhile, the children and I have been getting in lots of quality time.  Daddy has been uber busy working the fair every other day and then booking appointments every free moment he has.  We have created a sort of routine that is working better everyday.  We play, we eat, we workout, we play outside, we bathe/shower and we snuggle before bedtime.  It's been carefree and actually quite easy.  Routines can be so good at times with 2 young littles.  Don't get me wrong, raising children is not exactly a piece of cake but a little perspective, a lot of patience and the ability to go with the flow take you a very long way to sanity.  There has been moments where I am counting down the minutes til Daddy gets home but these really are the best days of our lives.  

Riley and I spent a special day together at the fair, visiting Daddy and doing everything the kid could possibly want to do.  Yes, we stood in line to fish at the Northwoods exhibit.  We shared mini donuts, we loved alphabet forest and we walked through the pet center remembering and reliving Deuce together.  He was such a trooper walking around in the heat all day long and even though I didn't get to do anything I really wanted to do (shop, eat everything (I only had pickles :( ) and just sit down to people watch) it was a special day that wore us out down to our bones.

We've been preparing for 4 year old pre-k and he's been so excited to start back up this year.  He is going to be in the 3-4 year old class for one more year because of his summer birthday.  It's either repeat a year or have him only be 17 when he graduates and always being the youngest.  We opted for one more year of childhood because frankly we aren't ready for him to grow up anymore and we would rather him have the chance to be a leader as one of the oldest than a follower at the one who can't drive for a whole year when everyone else can.  It's a personal decision and one we are very comfortable with.  I had to explain to D over and over again that it's not holding him back it's giving him back one more year of carefree childhood.  He isn't repeating a grade, it's pre-k and it's 3-4 year old pre-k not 2nd grade or something.  He is completely ready and able to move up to the 4-5 year old classroom but I don't think anyone would ever say that they wish they had one less year of the carefree state of mind.  #amiright?!

Alyssa and I dropped off Riley today and she was not happy she couldn't have a backpack and stay in school.  In her words "no go, no go".  Sweet little lady.  I had teary eyes while we walked out as I knew I would.  But we jetted off to meet friends for coffee and once again my girl proved to be so chill and so much fun to be around.  She just sat in a chair and nibbled on my lemon poppy seed bread interjecting "hi's" and "mommy's" every now and again.

We were both eagerly anticipating picking the boy up and she ran down the hallway shouting out "riwee, riwee."  We met "Nanny" for lunch and scooted back home for naps.  This is the good life.  It's a such a good life.  I love my days off with these two.  I love my front seat at their personalities unfolding and watching them figure out life.  This is a privilege.  I pray everyday in thankfulness for this life and for forgiveness for the things I fall short at and the patience I should have had.

The obligatory first day picture and yes, I missed the memo about the chalkboard picture frames ; )

couch cushion movie night, so worth the mess!

nature hike ending up in being rained on, so worth the laughs

reading loft fake smile, so worth the teeth pulled to get 

our "On Golden Pond" evening walk, so worth the sweat

fall dreaming, so worth the chalky mess

fish pond, so worth the wait

park play date, so worth waking her up for although she disagreed for awhle

Him, so worth the lack of sleep, the tears of frustration and the utter chaos that comes with parenthood.
Oh how I miss this little boy with those chubby wrists and tiny features.  It's been a good 4 years.  

Put the world away for a minute

and pretend I don't live in it.

Did the Olympics have you obsessed, couch driven and utterly drained from nearly no sleep like me?  4 years ago I was on maternity leave with a fresh newborn that didn't sleep all evening/night so the Olympics was a blast.  I watched everything.  This time around I get up at 3 a.m. after not going to bed until nearly 10:30 and then have to come down after the high that is Phelps winning the gold or the Fab Five taking it all.  I can't help it.  I LOVE the Olympics.  The opening ceremonies were weird to say the least but I can't stop watching when the athletes come marching in.  It's rather surreal to watch Afghanistan march in and to remember that they are human and not just terrorist monsters waiting and plotting to take out our Western civilization.  It's refreshing to watch the flags and the smiles that sparkle from each person, so much pride in one huge stadium.   By the second week I forward to wrapping them up about as much as I look forward to them every 4 years.  It's caused a "stall" in my normalcy and routine.  It's been alot of no sleep, not picking up a book, no down time, ice cream eating in the dark.  Amazing how the best athletes in the world inspire you and at the same time transform you into the biggest couch potato, junk food fanatic, laziest person ever.

I finally broke down and just had to put the world away for a minute or 60.  I needed to breathe, move, be on my own for more than a 2 minute bathroom break.

I am normally the one who looks past the mess and sees that our kids had fun.  I am the one who is quick to point out that they are only 4 and 18 months once.  I smile while I potty and have Alyssa handing me TP and Riley asking me where my weiner is.  I can usually handle the chaos and chatter easily.  This last week of the olympics I had done anything but.  It came down to an utter lack of sleep and losing myself a bit.

I am a reader.  I haven't picked up a book in 3 weeks and apparently that really throws me off.  I sit at lunch and just eat.  I need a book to propel me out of the office and into the surrounding beauty of the creek or the gardens.  Reading before bed relaxes me and signals that it is time to shut down.  Shouting as quietly as possible and jumping up and did nothing for relaxation.

So I started putting the world away for short beats at a time.  I take walks all by myself.  It's weird.  Like really weird.  I kind of feel like a stalker/predator out there on the loose with no hands to hold or a stroller to push.  It's good but still really weird.  I can take our 2 mile walk in about 30 minutes flat or at least I think I looked at the clock correctly, maybe not.  With the kids it's all, look there's a frog or a duck, let's feed the frog/duck, can I pick a flower, throw a stick, go pee pee in the woods?  Yes, we have had to relieve a certain someone in the woods, sometimes being a boy makes all the difference : )!

I got a pedicure, a 2 hour pedicure and they surprised me with a "you get a design fo free today, we like seeing you come back."  It was a nice surprise and the best pedicure eva!

We sent the boys up north for the weekend and even though I had big plans to really clean the house I ended up sitting down with my girl for most of the weekend and playing.  She is fun and cute and really loves babies these days.  Bestill my little mama heart from 1989, sometimes life is just too sweet to believe.  We Ikea'd and dinnered and eventually put her down to bed to take in Hunger Games.  Ack, so worth the long wait.  LOVED it!  We slept late and played hooky on Sunday to actually get some housework done.  9:30 baby girl alarm, yes please!

I have been slowly but surely working out again because 130 doesn't feel good or even come close to looking good on me.  My mind tells me 130 is not to shabby but the mirror screams otherwise.  A little tightening up is in order.  It's always nice also when I don't have to do abs with an 18 month old riding me like a horse or do punches with that same 18 month old limbo-ing under my legs.  It's just makes us both laugh and then my abs ache even more, no good, but still very funny.

It's been nice to actually want to go outside with the cooler weather.  I had been getting really stir crazy by only being able to go outside if it involved water play.  This crazy hot summer has been exactly that.  I am a breezy 70's kind of gal and this change has brought new vibrancy into my bones.

We went to a park, a really huge, awesome park and ended up running bases, chasing eachother around like a bunch of kids.  Is that not the best part of having littles around or what?  You can act like a kid again!  We even went on a quick nature walk through the woods and Daddy was all "don't touch that, it might be poison ivy" only to have our Springbrook trained 4 year old cite that poison ivy has 3
leaves.  Yep, the funniest most random of times to remember that bit of field trip trivia.  We walked up just past our block for a neighborhood meeting which included firetrucks, police cars, bulldozers and ice cream treats.  You want us to join you at a neighborhood meeting...include the above and we are sold.

It birthed a new appreciation for our surroundings.  No, maybe we don't want to live in this house much longer but CR has really awesome trails and parks and so many are within walking/biking distance.  It connected our couple blocks of neighbors and the cute kids I was toting certainly enjoyed themselves.

It was calling in sick on Thursday because my boy was sick.  He needed me and using my Mom as the only one better to care for him just didn't sit right with me this time.  Yes, I had just taken two funeral leave days but I needed to be the one there for him and that was a huge step for me.  I don't call in sick to work often so it felt a little traitor and a little "no, no" but I did it anyways and we sat on the couch all day long watching TV and snuggling until we both zonked out for naps.

I need a really good devotional and some serious Jesus time also.  My parents and my private school education gave me a solid foundation of belief and knowledge but now I am all grown up (almost) and needing to find out with my own two feet my spiritual path and it involves a heck of alot more than teaching SS, bringing my son to our church school and attending church on Sundays.

I am making it my mission to totally check out for at least 15-20 minutes everyday.  It won't be everyday but I am dreaming everyday right now.

I need to be able to take pictures without my inhibition scaring me into keeping the camera on the shelf.  Somewhere along the way I lost myself in not appreciating the not so perfect pictures and not even pulling her out, using my phone instead.  This is ridiculous.  I am not a photog, I have no desire to be one.  I bought old faithful for my own pleasures and taking natural, real life shots of my children is what I love the most.  So a few pretty on point pictures later I have some confidence back and am reaching for the beast a little more often.

Everyday day check out, maybe not but putting a conscious, healthy effort in, fo sho!

When you lose yourself...you find the key to paradise.  (Says Zac Brown)

Um, yep, new favorite picture eva!

She is such a pretty little petite thing!

He's just the perfect contrast to my blondie!

Sista striking her best magazine pose...good thing we added that bloomer!

Sick couch 

I don't think they missed us too much?