Only for a short time are you mine to hold.

There has been horribly sad news in my family this past few weeks.  My cousin Erin and her husband Eric lost their 3 year old daughter Aeon unexpectedly.  The details are few but we know that she wasn't feeling good and just stopped breathing.  The paramedics were unable to resuscitate her and just like that the world stopped spinning for them.

Our hearts and minds have been on sweet Aeon everyday since we heard the news.  They live in FL so there was little we could do but send money and prayers their way.

We have been hugging fiercer, kissing more often and telling our children how much we love them, intentionally, every chance we get.

Eric and Erin are very lucky to have a very strong faith and Eric had a vision I would like to share with you before I move on.  It brought me to tears.

“ In my vision. I saw myself standing in the River of Life. Erin was there to my left and Aeon was with us in from of us…..As soon as we saw Him (Jesus), we knelt down right there in the River before Him. We stood up and He walked over to me and hugged me. But instead of simply hugging me, He stepped inside of me. Then, Jesus stepped out of me and walked over to Erin and hugged her. Again, He also stepped inside of her. He walked out of her and went over and picked up Aeon into His arms out of the River……then Jesus said, ‘ Stay here as long as you like. And even when you leave, you are still seated with me. This is a place of rejoicing. Tell them I am coming back. Tell them I am coming back.’ Then, Jesus started to cry. And with tears streaming down His face He continued, ‘Tell them I’m coming back and I don’t want them to miss it. I want them with Me and in Me. I want to be in them. I want to play with them in the River of Life. I don’t want it to be too late. Don’t wait! Don’t’ Wait! The time is short. I come back for My Bride who is gorgeous and sparkling white. She longs to see Me. She longs to be with Me; to be in Me and I in Her forever. It pains me. It pains Me that people choose Darkness rather than Light. Come to the Light. Come to Me. I love you….’  Jesus continued ‘Aeon Zoe (Eternal Life). I have your daughter with Me. She is safe. I am her Lift-Giver. Do not be afraid. For I will use you in way your haven’t yet imagined. Just yield to Me’ then He reaches inside of Erin and He pulls out pain. He said ‘I carried your grief. I carried your sorrow. I carried your pain. Then He reached inside of me (Eric) and pulled out all the pain and He continued, ‘….so you don’t have to.’”

This gives me such reassurance.  I love the picture it paints of Jesus holding little Aeon and the peace that it gives knowing she is in the best arms being so loved and so well taken care of.  

Meanwhile, the children and I have been getting in lots of quality time.  Daddy has been uber busy working the fair every other day and then booking appointments every free moment he has.  We have created a sort of routine that is working better everyday.  We play, we eat, we workout, we play outside, we bathe/shower and we snuggle before bedtime.  It's been carefree and actually quite easy.  Routines can be so good at times with 2 young littles.  Don't get me wrong, raising children is not exactly a piece of cake but a little perspective, a lot of patience and the ability to go with the flow take you a very long way to sanity.  There has been moments where I am counting down the minutes til Daddy gets home but these really are the best days of our lives.  

Riley and I spent a special day together at the fair, visiting Daddy and doing everything the kid could possibly want to do.  Yes, we stood in line to fish at the Northwoods exhibit.  We shared mini donuts, we loved alphabet forest and we walked through the pet center remembering and reliving Deuce together.  He was such a trooper walking around in the heat all day long and even though I didn't get to do anything I really wanted to do (shop, eat everything (I only had pickles :( ) and just sit down to people watch) it was a special day that wore us out down to our bones.

We've been preparing for 4 year old pre-k and he's been so excited to start back up this year.  He is going to be in the 3-4 year old class for one more year because of his summer birthday.  It's either repeat a year or have him only be 17 when he graduates and always being the youngest.  We opted for one more year of childhood because frankly we aren't ready for him to grow up anymore and we would rather him have the chance to be a leader as one of the oldest than a follower at the one who can't drive for a whole year when everyone else can.  It's a personal decision and one we are very comfortable with.  I had to explain to D over and over again that it's not holding him back it's giving him back one more year of carefree childhood.  He isn't repeating a grade, it's pre-k and it's 3-4 year old pre-k not 2nd grade or something.  He is completely ready and able to move up to the 4-5 year old classroom but I don't think anyone would ever say that they wish they had one less year of the carefree state of mind.  #amiright?!

Alyssa and I dropped off Riley today and she was not happy she couldn't have a backpack and stay in school.  In her words "no go, no go".  Sweet little lady.  I had teary eyes while we walked out as I knew I would.  But we jetted off to meet friends for coffee and once again my girl proved to be so chill and so much fun to be around.  She just sat in a chair and nibbled on my lemon poppy seed bread interjecting "hi's" and "mommy's" every now and again.

We were both eagerly anticipating picking the boy up and she ran down the hallway shouting out "riwee, riwee."  We met "Nanny" for lunch and scooted back home for naps.  This is the good life.  It's a such a good life.  I love my days off with these two.  I love my front seat at their personalities unfolding and watching them figure out life.  This is a privilege.  I pray everyday in thankfulness for this life and for forgiveness for the things I fall short at and the patience I should have had.

The obligatory first day picture and yes, I missed the memo about the chalkboard picture frames ; )

couch cushion movie night, so worth the mess!

nature hike ending up in being rained on, so worth the laughs

reading loft fake smile, so worth the teeth pulled to get 

our "On Golden Pond" evening walk, so worth the sweat

fall dreaming, so worth the chalky mess

fish pond, so worth the wait

park play date, so worth waking her up for although she disagreed for awhle

Him, so worth the lack of sleep, the tears of frustration and the utter chaos that comes with parenthood.
Oh how I miss this little boy with those chubby wrists and tiny features.  It's been a good 4 years.  

Put the world away for a minute

and pretend I don't live in it.

Did the Olympics have you obsessed, couch driven and utterly drained from nearly no sleep like me?  4 years ago I was on maternity leave with a fresh newborn that didn't sleep all evening/night so the Olympics was a blast.  I watched everything.  This time around I get up at 3 a.m. after not going to bed until nearly 10:30 and then have to come down after the high that is Phelps winning the gold or the Fab Five taking it all.  I can't help it.  I LOVE the Olympics.  The opening ceremonies were weird to say the least but I can't stop watching when the athletes come marching in.  It's rather surreal to watch Afghanistan march in and to remember that they are human and not just terrorist monsters waiting and plotting to take out our Western civilization.  It's refreshing to watch the flags and the smiles that sparkle from each person, so much pride in one huge stadium.   By the second week I forward to wrapping them up about as much as I look forward to them every 4 years.  It's caused a "stall" in my normalcy and routine.  It's been alot of no sleep, not picking up a book, no down time, ice cream eating in the dark.  Amazing how the best athletes in the world inspire you and at the same time transform you into the biggest couch potato, junk food fanatic, laziest person ever.

I finally broke down and just had to put the world away for a minute or 60.  I needed to breathe, move, be on my own for more than a 2 minute bathroom break.

I am normally the one who looks past the mess and sees that our kids had fun.  I am the one who is quick to point out that they are only 4 and 18 months once.  I smile while I potty and have Alyssa handing me TP and Riley asking me where my weiner is.  I can usually handle the chaos and chatter easily.  This last week of the olympics I had done anything but.  It came down to an utter lack of sleep and losing myself a bit.

I am a reader.  I haven't picked up a book in 3 weeks and apparently that really throws me off.  I sit at lunch and just eat.  I need a book to propel me out of the office and into the surrounding beauty of the creek or the gardens.  Reading before bed relaxes me and signals that it is time to shut down.  Shouting as quietly as possible and jumping up and did nothing for relaxation.

So I started putting the world away for short beats at a time.  I take walks all by myself.  It's weird.  Like really weird.  I kind of feel like a stalker/predator out there on the loose with no hands to hold or a stroller to push.  It's good but still really weird.  I can take our 2 mile walk in about 30 minutes flat or at least I think I looked at the clock correctly, maybe not.  With the kids it's all, look there's a frog or a duck, let's feed the frog/duck, can I pick a flower, throw a stick, go pee pee in the woods?  Yes, we have had to relieve a certain someone in the woods, sometimes being a boy makes all the difference : )!

I got a pedicure, a 2 hour pedicure and they surprised me with a "you get a design fo free today, we like seeing you come back."  It was a nice surprise and the best pedicure eva!

We sent the boys up north for the weekend and even though I had big plans to really clean the house I ended up sitting down with my girl for most of the weekend and playing.  She is fun and cute and really loves babies these days.  Bestill my little mama heart from 1989, sometimes life is just too sweet to believe.  We Ikea'd and dinnered and eventually put her down to bed to take in Hunger Games.  Ack, so worth the long wait.  LOVED it!  We slept late and played hooky on Sunday to actually get some housework done.  9:30 baby girl alarm, yes please!

I have been slowly but surely working out again because 130 doesn't feel good or even come close to looking good on me.  My mind tells me 130 is not to shabby but the mirror screams otherwise.  A little tightening up is in order.  It's always nice also when I don't have to do abs with an 18 month old riding me like a horse or do punches with that same 18 month old limbo-ing under my legs.  It's just makes us both laugh and then my abs ache even more, no good, but still very funny.

It's been nice to actually want to go outside with the cooler weather.  I had been getting really stir crazy by only being able to go outside if it involved water play.  This crazy hot summer has been exactly that.  I am a breezy 70's kind of gal and this change has brought new vibrancy into my bones.

We went to a park, a really huge, awesome park and ended up running bases, chasing eachother around like a bunch of kids.  Is that not the best part of having littles around or what?  You can act like a kid again!  We even went on a quick nature walk through the woods and Daddy was all "don't touch that, it might be poison ivy" only to have our Springbrook trained 4 year old cite that poison ivy has 3
leaves.  Yep, the funniest most random of times to remember that bit of field trip trivia.  We walked up just past our block for a neighborhood meeting which included firetrucks, police cars, bulldozers and ice cream treats.  You want us to join you at a neighborhood meeting...include the above and we are sold.

It birthed a new appreciation for our surroundings.  No, maybe we don't want to live in this house much longer but CR has really awesome trails and parks and so many are within walking/biking distance.  It connected our couple blocks of neighbors and the cute kids I was toting certainly enjoyed themselves.

It was calling in sick on Thursday because my boy was sick.  He needed me and using my Mom as the only one better to care for him just didn't sit right with me this time.  Yes, I had just taken two funeral leave days but I needed to be the one there for him and that was a huge step for me.  I don't call in sick to work often so it felt a little traitor and a little "no, no" but I did it anyways and we sat on the couch all day long watching TV and snuggling until we both zonked out for naps.

I need a really good devotional and some serious Jesus time also.  My parents and my private school education gave me a solid foundation of belief and knowledge but now I am all grown up (almost) and needing to find out with my own two feet my spiritual path and it involves a heck of alot more than teaching SS, bringing my son to our church school and attending church on Sundays.

I am making it my mission to totally check out for at least 15-20 minutes everyday.  It won't be everyday but I am dreaming everyday right now.

I need to be able to take pictures without my inhibition scaring me into keeping the camera on the shelf.  Somewhere along the way I lost myself in not appreciating the not so perfect pictures and not even pulling her out, using my phone instead.  This is ridiculous.  I am not a photog, I have no desire to be one.  I bought old faithful for my own pleasures and taking natural, real life shots of my children is what I love the most.  So a few pretty on point pictures later I have some confidence back and am reaching for the beast a little more often.

Everyday day check out, maybe not but putting a conscious, healthy effort in, fo sho!

When you lose yourself...you find the key to paradise.  (Says Zac Brown)

Um, yep, new favorite picture eva!

She is such a pretty little petite thing!

He's just the perfect contrast to my blondie!

Sista striking her best magazine pose...good thing we added that bloomer!

Sick couch 

I don't think they missed us too much?  

The Deuce

I will always remember going to pick Deuce up from a small town down in Southern MN.  We drove D's old Beretta and I had just had surgery to remove cysts from my chest.  The big Mama jumped up on me and caused a few of my stitched up wounds to ache and bleed.  There were puppies running around everywhere and one in particular kept eating every apple it could grab from the surrounding apple trees, he was our dog.  He was one of the smallest and he was adorably clumsy.  We paid for him and giddily hopped back into the car.  Poor little guy hid his head in D's lap and wouldn't come out or look up for anything.  When we brought him into the house he hid behind the couch and wouldn't come out.  He was devastated to be ripped away from his family and it broke our hearts.  We cuddled him, carried him and loved on him until he retreated back to his hiding spot.  Eventually he started trusting us and soon he was chewing on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  Our chairs took a beating, our shoes didn't survive, even the carpet was no match for this dog.  He managed to destroy everything in a matter of weeks.  We resorted to giving him milk cartons and plastic bottles because he was going through chew toys in a matter of hours.  Luckily the house was still a bachelor pad and the guys couldn't really care less.

Derrick worked with him and he trained really easily.  We taught him to stay in the kitchen and TV room and he never crossed the threshold that was the living room.  He ran after the dummy and retrieved it every time with excitement.  He was a good dog, kind of a first "baby" for the group and he got lots of attention and love.

Eventually the guys moved out and I moved in.  With me joining house the rules relaxed a bit.  He joined us in the living room and finally moved up to the couches.  He laid on us and watched tv.  He lounged while we were at work.  He had the good life.

From what I hear he was an excellent hunter.  Pheasant hunting was his favorite.  D said he moved in front of him perfectly and would get the birds up and then retrieve like an old pro.  He always came home so exhausted after those long South Dakota weekends and for a good 2 days he would do nothing but lay down too tired to even get up and go outside to pee.

He was a good listener but we had plenty of adventures with him.  One time after duck hunting we let him outside only to come back out for him and find an empty yard.  We had a shock fence but occasionally he would run full speed through it.  Finally, after driving around calling his name we found him at the park a few long blocks away down by the pond watching the geese and ducks intently.  Every time we took him to the vet was an adventure.  He actually squeezed through the partially open back window and ran while we were at a stoplight on Foley Blvd just minutes from the vets office.

He was a horrible walker.  Because of the pheasant training Deuce was used to walking way ahead of the guys and a collar just never worked out well.  He would pull and pant until he was choking himself out and by the time we made it home we were all exhausted.  He hated the rain.  He always hid himself away in one of the bedrooms or even the bathtub and was a hot shaking mess of fur when we would pull him out.  As he got older he was even scared of the dark clouds.  He could definitely sense a storm brewing and took cover earlier and earlier every time.

One time I while D was away after hunting he got so sick he couldn't even walk.  I had to drag him outside and eventually ask our neighbor for help loading him into the car.  He hadn't eaten anything and he looked horribly sick.  The vet took blood and diagnosed him with Lyme's disease.  I boiled hamburger for him and we had to shove huge, expensive, pills down his throat to help with the muscle pain and fatigue.  He was better after a few weeks but to say I was tired of boiling hamburger was an understatement.

When Riley came around Deuce watched over him as an infant.  They would take long naps together and many times Deuce would be in Riley's room sleeping by the crib.  It always irritated us because the jingling of his collar would wake the sleeping Riley and new parents did not want to have the sleeping baby awoken.  When Riley started sitting up Deuce was always by his side and they exchanged many kisses and hugs.  Riley followed Deuce around and Deuce never batted an eye as Riley tugged on him, pulled his hair or jumped on his back while he was sleeping.  He was such a good boy to our boy.

The burden of a dog with children hit me hard.  I can honestly say I didn't like Deuce much after Riley came and the constant licking from Deuce to Riley just drove me mad.  It should be noted that if Riley wasn't our first I wouldn't have cared.  Isn't it amazing how much the 2nd child calms you down!?  Riley was always covered in black hair and it bothered me immensely.  Finally Alyssa came into the picture and she didn't bond as strongly with Deuce but he was a fierce guardian to her.  He would sneak in her room at night and sleep by her crib when it was storming out.  We had learned to take off his collar and appreciated the gesture at that point but the dog hair still was an annoyance.  I was tired from taking care of two kids and the last thing I wanted to do at night was to pet him.  He was getting too old and tired to hunt anymore and walks were a thing of the past as a double stroller was more than enough to handle for me.

Finally in December 2011 right before we left for Vegas Deuce started throwing up.  He threw up everything he ate.  It had been going on for a few weeks so D took him to the vet.  They couldn't really see anything on x-ray except fluid and instead of sending the fluid out for testing we took him home with big, huge, expensive pills that stopped the vomiting for a few days but eventually we just started recognizing the signs of his impending pukes and would hurry him outside.  When spring sprouted we thought that it had gotten better, maybe even he was on the road to recovery.  We went outside to check for puke piles after the snow melted and they were literally everywhere.  You couldn't walk more than a few steps without running into another one.  By May he was down to skin and bones.  He had been back to the vet but we knew there was nothing else short of thousands of dollars of treatment they could do for him.  He stopped eating altogether and was puking up pure bile.  We finally came to the decision that it was time to put him down.  It was not an easy decision and the whole week leading up to July 7th we could hardly sleep.  We had been slowly but surely preparing Riley for Deuce dying and finally Riley had stopped praying for Deuce to get better and started praying for Deuce to be comfortable.

My parents took Riley to a trout farm for his birthday that Friday and we drove Deuce to the Humane Society in Golden Valley.  I think if I would have told D to turn the truck around he would have but we didn't.  We walked in, paid and waited.  She came back in and took our dog.  He walked out of that room and took all the air with him. I think if Alyssa wouldn't have been with us I would have gotten sick.  After what felt like hours she came back to get us so we could say our final goodbye.  D went first cause we didn't want Alyssa to see Deuce like that.  I went second.  I just lost it in that room.  I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't stop my tears and my heart just literally broke in half.  We will never erase that moment of Deuce from our memories.  He looked like he was sleeping, he was still warm but his tongue was hanging out.  It was surreal and it was the most horrible thing we have ever had to decide to do and I am quite positive we will never make that decision again.

We cried the whole way home, picked up Riley and sadly told him that Deuce had died while he was gone.  He was such a rock that night.  He hugged us and told us that we would see Deuce in heaven again.  I went to bed at 5:30 and just cried and cried and cried.  We have never felt so guilty in our lives.  It is too weird being in our house without Deuce.

After a week or so I stopped crying every time I walked in the house expecting to see Deuce wagging his tail at me begging for attention.  Riley woke up only once crying in the middle of the night saying how much he missed his Deuce.  Exactly a week after saying goodbye to Deuce we walked in the house and Riley called out "Deuce, Deuce,  oh wait, my Deuce is dead."  We both cried together and went to the computer to look at the pictures of our Deuce.

It's taken me a long time to write Deuce's story.  He would have been 11 this week.  He has taught me that I should have been more attentive and appreciative of him in the last 3 years.  He has taught me that having to vacuum everyday is a small price to pay for a dog as good as he was.  It should also be noted that we still have to vacuum everyday, now we have no dog to clean up after the kids dropped food and snacks.

We are dog people.  The boys want another dog bad.  I just want Deuce.  It still strikes me that for all my impatience with him in the last 3 years how much I miss him to my core every time I walk in our house.  It's still so weird.  We are still so sad and we will never forget him.  Deuce, we are so sorry and if we could do it all over again we would.

There is so many pictures of Deuce with Riley that it is hard to narrow down our favorites.  I am so glad I have always been so obsessed with clicking picture after picture.

It's gonna be a long hot summer...

and we should be together...

Together is exactly where we have been. 
It's been a really hot summer.  We have been perusing sprinklers nearly everyday.  Ice cream cones are eaten frequently and the ac has been on nonstop.

I have taken a computer break.  No facebook (ahh (that was a relief)), no Pinterest and obviously no blogging.  It's amazing how much of a time suck these things are.  With the age of smartphones I constantly see everyone, myself included, with that skinny technology up to their faces.  It made me realize that a break was a good thing.  Time to redirect and see exactly how much time I had.  I still use Instagram and I still play Words with my faithful friends but I have managed to finish 3 books in just 6 weeks, I have stopped checking FB but every few days (if that) and I just relax with my husband and kids kicking it in the yard or on the floor playing baseball in the house or dancing in the living room.  It's a good change.

Work has sucked alot of energy out of me recently.  3 a.m. comes all too soon when one doesn't go to bed until 10:00 or later and my days spent at work go by so fast in a busied blur that Ican't escape needing a 2 hour nap everyday. Things like dinner at my parents, walks with my sister (and children) and gin rummy with my husband make my head clear.  I can look more certainly now at what is important.  I am slowly but surely forgetting about work once I pull into my driveway and I don't dread (as much ; ) my alarm every night.

Since we last spoke we have been busy, fun busy with fieldtrip fun, birthday fun, 4th fun, anniversary fun and new words fun.  Our sweet girl says "thank you" perfectly and you can't help but "aww" after each time it comes out.  She shouts out "mommy" when she doesn't have me an arm lengths away and it is hilarious.  She puts her arms up in the air in celebration as she calls out "daddy" when he walks through the door and she says "riwey" every time brother walks into the room.  She has stolen our hearts.  She is the perfect compliment to her brother and she is just enough spice to even out all that sweet.  She loves family hugs, dances every time even a note of music is played and is the perfect little shopper.  She busies herself with pulling out every toy in the house and talking on the "phone" while doing it.  She always choses to talk to Papa and she babbles away having quite the conversation that no one really understands.  When you make her happy or merely suggest something she might like to do, go outside, go to the lake, take a walk, go shopping, she cries out "yay" and does a little celebration jig.  I crave holding her.  She is a lover.  I could seriously take her everywhere with me.

Riley turned 4!  Four years old is big.  He's such a little grown up now.  He talks patiently (most of the time) to his sister and tries to help her out.  He gets to stay up "late" with us when he takes a nap and we enjoy that time with him so much.  He continues to busy himself with "boating" and fishing around the house.  Costco size diaper boxes are all the rage in our house and can entertain Riley for hours.  He still plays with every.single.lure he has ever been given and show and tell tackle box edition still contintues nearly everyday.  4 years old and such an avid fisherman already. This boy gets to go fishing with Daddy and his uncles nearly every weekend. He continues to play with every lure and fishing.  He has such a good heart, has been loving VBS and summer school in the last few weeks and had a fabulous birthday week complete with a special trip with Nana and Papa to a trout farm.  He is such a lucky boy and we love him something fierce.

Speaking of love and family, you know you don't get out much sans children when your nearly 4 year old son gets worried about why he can't go out on your "date" with you.  Up north Nana came down to watch the kids so we could get out for even just a few hours and all day leading up to our quickie excursion Riley kept asking "why can't I go, I will be good, why is it for adults only?"  Poor kid really is used to doing EVERYTHING with us.  Must be rough!?  : )  We did get out alone to see a movie (Avengers=Awesome) and D was really happy that my constant adoration of the bacon popcorn wasn't all hype!  YUMMO!  If that wasn't enough for us we also enjoyed a quiet dinner and a stroll, holding hands and talking about our time together thus far.  7 years of marriage and 11 total years together goes by incredibly fast.  Marriage is still so easy with my D.  Even my Auntie's have to comment to him how "good" he is at fatherhood, husbandhood.  #iamaluckywomanandiknowit.

Mini-D, she cracks us up!

Worm dig at Springbrook to feed the fish in the tanks, this boy was in heaven.

Little net + pond + Riley =One fine day.

HOT 4th, outside play was short and sweet.

Does he look like a turtle here?

Peanut in her jazzercise outfit.

Sister is done. 

I will sign off with a "hope to see you soon" and here's to writing regularly for the sake of memories and keepsakes, oh and a picture of our boy with his indoor "boat".  For the love of fishing.