I first read this phrase in another blog I read regularly and I thought "that's it, that is exactly how I feel when my heart aches beyond words and I can't seem to get it to beat steady again." My Wednesday was a perfect clash of anything and everything that makes my particularly sensitive, easily broken heart spill and it was all I could do to stop crying and get it beating again.
It started Tuesday night when Derrick and I finished up The Pursuit of Happyness. I now understand why I never saw that movie. To see a man struggle to make it time and time again was painful to watch and when his son lost his Captain America toy because they were rushing to catch the bus to the homeless shelter my eyes unleashed a fury of tears and Derrick who I noticed had been watching to see when I started crying actually looked like he could start crying to (although he didn't)(I think he was shocked that it took me that long to actually start crying also). So we went to bed feeling drained and completely guilty for not donating more and not appreciating what we have and for complaining about things that we shouldn't. It was not a good night of sleep which made my Wednesday morning a little rougher than usual. During my lunch break I finished The Last Song which was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad choice to finish at work. Let's just say (I don't want to ruin the book for anyone) that her Dad reminded me so much of my own.
I had already been wrestling with the fact that Riley doesn't get to see Grandpa Bob anymore and that he sees pictures of him and Bob and gets really excited as he points to his G-pa with a smile on his face. These moments so soon after Easter knocked the wind right out of me. I thought of how proud Bob would be at Riley's enunciation of "Bobby" and how he would think it's the greatest thing to hold Rileys' little hand as they walked. I thought of the pride in his face as he saw Riley casting a fishing pole in the driveway and reeling it back in like an old pro. I thought about how I would love for us all to have one more bear hug from Bob and how his grandchildren will miss him. I thought about my Dad having cancer and how close Riley has come to having no Grandpa's at all and I just started panicking, at work, in the dead center of my busiest time of day. My heart was pounding and I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I remembered acutely the first time that I realized my Dad wasn't invincible and that he would one day die. I cried in our kitchen and I was maybe 8 or 9. I cried until my Mom got home from work at the Vineyard and I cried some more. I was a hot mess and I can still feel the shock and sadness that I felt that day. Sometimes it feels like forever ago that my Dad was sick and sometimes I am waiting for it all to catch up to him again. I started thinking about Aleah and how she was here one day and gone the next because the cancer wasn't done with her 5 years later.
I missed my son so bad that it is reminiscent of going back to work after maternity leave. I am shocked at the aching and brokenness that hit me. I felt guilty over not saying good morning to him. I felt guilty about not holding him after his nap time. I felt guilty about not feeding him lunch and I felt guilty about being so tired at 3:00 that I need to rest my eyes for 20 minutes. I felt guilty for my Riley Man having an upset tummy and I could hear him saying "mommy" and I ached to snuggle with him and make him better.
This was not a good day. It was a perfect emotional storm for me and I took the advice given to me came home, snuggled with my Little Man, did some shopping and ended with a bath and 3 episodes in a row of Grey's...for once I was out of tears and couldn't muster up one!
What I have learned is that
1. a person needs more than 4 hours of sleep at night.
2. if your not going to eat anything you will go crazy.
3. if your head is pounding so bad you want to cry you should really take some Advil.
4. tons of green frosting between 2 graham crackers is a great pick me up.
5. thank goodness for sound proof walls in my office and the fact that no one walked into my office for a good 60 minutes.
6. you will have days like this, there is nothing shameful about it and beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. Try again tomorrow after sleeping for 8 hours, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner and taking your Allergy meds and some extra Advil.
